Is it emotional abuse if it only happens a few times a year and your life is otherwise idyllic?
My partner (39m) of four years is great 99% of the time. I (34f) feel like I read that a lot, but let me explain:
I was a single mother when we met; my son is now 7, so 3 when we met. He didn’t judge me. Didn’t want kids of his own, but said he saw the value in having a family. We have a ton in common. Great chemistry. Shared interests and goals. He’s intelligent, attractive, successful, and generally kind. For the first two years we basically never fought. He never raised his voice.
He started calling us his family around that time, and we started going on more family trips, having sleepovers, etc. He hasn’t proposed yet, but he said he’s “committed” to helping me raise my son and sees us getting married soon. His patience and kindness with my son is part of why I fell in love with him. He’d stay calm and help if he was hurt or sick or upset. Hug me afterward.
We developed little rituals. He tucks in my son at night after I read a bedtime story, builds a “wall of stuffies,” plays made up games, and they have inside jokes and nicknames. We moved in together last year, and my son started calling him dad. This year for Father’s Day he even made him a card. Plus his family is our family. My son never knew his bio father (he died during Covid) or paternal grandparents, but now he has both.
The financial stability is also nice, I’ll admit. My partner has taken us to Disney for the past two years for my son’s birthday. He took us to Europe this summer. Flies us home for the holidays. He’s paying 2/3 of our rent now so I can go back to school and work part time. He pays for all of our dates. All of our travel. My son’s extracurriculars.
He’s a great adventure partner too. He taught my son how to ski and play ice hockey. We hike, camp, play video games, watch movies and shows. We cuddle and laugh and have a really lovely life most of the time. Our holiday traditions are magical. We have so many beautiful memories.
But occasionally… a few times a year, maybe more frequently since moving in together, he loses it.
Let me preface this by saying that my parents screamed and threw things, slammed doors, made threats, and hit us daily, so that was my normal. Most of my relationships have been closer to that (never physical abuse but very toxic). It’s hard for me to know what boundaries are healthy aside from the obvious (no spanking or anything like that).
So now… I have this man who is calm and patient most of the time, but he has gotten extremely angry a few times; it scares me. Especially the last one.
- The first time, we were in the car on the way to ski. My son was taking too long to pick a breakfast from McDonald’s, then he changed his mind after ordering. My partner screamed for him to hurry up and said “I’m so done with this”. Very brief ordeal, but shocking. He just wanted to beat traffic. Never apologized.
- Ha year later we were on vacation. Fishing trip. I complained a few times because it was raining, cold, and my line kept getting snagged or snapping. We didn’t stop for lunch. My son was miserable. Eventually, my partner yelled that I ruined his happy place. Said none of his exes were like this. I got upset. It turned into a shouting match that lasted a 15 minute drive home with him yelling the entire time. Never called me any names, but he was loud. Banging the steering wheel. Saying he wished he could send me home early. He apologized later when drunk (he’s a very nice/cuddly drunk).
- Six months later. Ski day. Got frustrated with my son for getting tired and complaining. Yelled at us. Left us on the mountain and skied alone.
- Only a few months later, he slammed a dish into the trash, yelled, then left the room and slammed the door because I was “nagging him” about not cross-contaminating raw chicken (he was touching it, the utensils, and the air fryer without washing his hands). A fairly long argument (raised voices but not shouting) occurred when he came back and I asked WTF that was. Then he stonewalled me for the rest of the night.
- Six months later, right before our Europe trip was the worst. We almost broke up. My son scratched his ear a little after bedtime so he was sleepy, and it was bleeding. I was trying to clean it, and he freaked out. Didn’t want me to touch it. Started crying. My partner came in yelling. Instead of calmly holding my son down or letting me (and doing the cleaning part himself) he grabbed my son and sort of pushed him down on the bed because he was flailing and kicking. Screamed in his face to stop crying and be still. I panicked and froze for a second before screaming for him to stop for about ten seconds before he listened. Then he shouted at me that I made it worse and slapped the first aid supplies out of my hand (hurting my hand in the process).
In the argument that followed, he tried to DARVO me, but I held my ground. I said what happened was a dealbreaker. He said “fine I guess we’re done” and walked out, yelling “FUCK!” loudly before slamming the door. I followed and told him I didn’t mean we had to make any rash decisions, just that if he ever hurt either of us in anger again (even on accident, because I don’t think he meant to) it would be over.
Finally got him to apologize but he seemed to think what happened with my son wasn’t a problem, that sometimes you have to “get physical” with a child that’s freaking out. He compared it to holding him down for a vaccine, which has happened. But I made the distinction that we did that while calm, not angry. He finally agreed, but said he’s going to be “more firm” verbally because I’m “too soft with my gentle parenting.”
I told him it’s okay for one parent to be more firm, but we need to agree on things ahead of time. I asked him to consider anger management classes, but he refused. I asked him to read some parenting articles on authoritative vs authoritarian, but he said he’s too busy. That he agrees our parents shouldn’t have spanked/hit us but yelling is fine.
I’m not perfect, and I have occasionally yelled too. But I always feel terrible and apologize to my son if it happens, and I actively strive to prevent it from ever happening again. He doesn’t think that’s necessary.
Anyway, that was a month ago.
We did go on the trip. It was mostly fine (at times even wonderful) especially while his family was with us, but once they left, he became more impatient with walking places, meal times (my son is a picky eater so that’s another source of conflict), and any time we have to ask him to do things more than once he’s just instantly angry. Not necessarily shouting but he raising his voice a little. Once he threatened to get on the train without us because we were too slow. Of course I called him out. No apology.
I told him it feels like he doesn’t even like me or my son in those moments and that I’m worried my son will start to feel that too. He said we’re fine outside those moments, that he still cares and wants a life with us, and he used our parents as examples. Like even though they yelled and hit us, we still love them and have a decent relationship as adults.
Is he right? He does yell a lot less than my parents or even my exes ever did, and he’s agreed not to spank or “get physical.” But are these moments too much? Especially for my son? Is it emotional abuse?
I’m feeling anxious now, like I have to prevent tantrums not just from my kid but from my partner too. I told him I want to work together and compromise on parenting styles, but so far it seems like most of the compromise is on my end. But I also feel like I’d be foolish to leave him and take away my son’s only chance at having a dad (I’m NOT dating again after this, at least until he’s in high school). And no one is perfect. I’m not a perfect parent (although I am a better one, and I try harder and apologize easier, I have still messed up). I know my son’s childhood will still be far better than mine or my partner’s, so is that enough? Or would I be a bad mother for tolerating this kind of thing?
It would be difficult to leave, but I sometimes miss how peaceful our life was before we moved in with my partner. At the same time, overall I do still think our lives are better. I know we’d be in poverty for the first year if we left now, but I could do it.