u/livingbylight

I’m going to be sick from the anger and grief and sadness that is threatening to consume me. My husband and I are currently separated and I am 4 months postpartum. My baby has been my saving grace and I thank God every day that I have him because he woke me up to just how bad it really was.

Since I’ve been away, I’ve been staying busy to avoid the insane intensity of all these different emotions (not healthy, I know) but the moment I slow down, they are right there. I didn’t realize this until last night. I’m dissociated a lot of the time because my brain literally won’t let me feel my emotions, probably because it would overload my entire system. I need therapy stat.

Anyway, my husband and I were getting in these massive fights and circular arguments before I left and he actually screamed at me to “keep my mouth shut” and wouldn’t stop yelling even after I told him to and said “fuck you” to me for calling him selfish for trying to earn money to get himself a four wheeler when finances are tight and we are barely getting by. The fights were all because I didn’t agree with his reckless financial decisions. He told me he doesn’t feel one bit bad for yelling at me because “a man can only take so much.” That was when I said, enough is enough, and we separated.

Since I’ve been away, we had a phone call where he started going off on me yet again and said “you don’t get to tell ME no” with so much contempt in his voice that it actually scared me a little. Those words have been ringing in my head ever since. Fast forward to a few days ago and he asked me to take out $10,000 car loan in my name and said we can pay it off as soon as we get the money that is coming from his mom soon. I calmly said “I am not comfortable doing that.” We’re currently separated. I don’t want to be responsible for that kind of money. Keep in mind, he had alternative options. He didn’t need my good credit score or my money. That led to him telling me I’m “not willing to put any skin in the game,” that “I’m taking advantage of him” and waiting for the money to come through before I leave him, and finally that I don’t love him and finally that he feels like I don’t love him and I clearly have no hope or desire to “make this work (referring to our marriage). Not to mention, he’s the one who abused and manipulated me for years and still continues to treat me like crap.

So this is what I get for standing my ground and saying “no.” He claims I have a voice and say in decisions but every time I disagree with him, I’m verbally attacked and all hell breaks loose. And he wants me to “make it work.” I have no desire to be with him at all anymore. The trauma bond is finally breaking and I am very grateful but also scared.

I’ve posted in here a few times and now, my husband and I are currently separated after 3 years of mistreatment and abuse from him. He told me repeatedly when we were dating (there were already red flags then) and since we’ve been married that he is who he is and he is not going to change. Especially not for me. When a man tells you who he is, believe him.

It has been so peaceful and such a relief to not have to be in the same house as him. We are separated until September and then I will likely be leaving because he clearly has no intention of changing. Which I know before marrying him but believed in his potential to change, as I’m sure many others have. He’s already gone off on me two more times since we separated. Once on the phone and once over text.

For some context, he decided to quit his job and do Uber in a car with a failing transmission a month after I had my baby. I am a stay at home mom now and strongly advised against doing Uber in a failing car because it would only lead to us needing a car sooner and we didn’t and still don’t have the money for a new car. He didn’t give a crap about what I had to say and sure enough, the transmission is struggling even more now and he wants me to take out a 10k-11k car loan in MY name while we are separated so he can keep doing Uber. I said no and he basically had a meltdown. He has a terrible track record financially and we are already barely scraping by. I’m not going to put my credit on the line if we are potentially divorcing which would leave me solely responsible for the loan.

Here are some things he has said to me since we’ve been separated and after I told him no on the car loan. Are these abusive? Manipulative?
- “You don’t get to tell ME no.”
- When I told him I don’t want to take out a loan in my name in our current circumstances: “You came in with a 3k beater and >5k debt. You’re unwilling to put any skin in the game as far as a car.” When in fact, I paid cash for my car, it got totaled by a deer after we were married, we got 3k from it and my husband decided to put that 3k into his truck for a brand new engine when he could have got a used one for free. He also had over $50,000 of debt coming into our marriage and still doesn’t own his truck.
- When I said no to the loan and told him I have no income to put on an application and they wanted to see my own income last time I applied for a car loan: “Ok you know best. Apparently. I don’t know shit. Just a dumbass 53 year old with no experience. Whatever. You don’t and won’t trust me. I’m used to it.”
- Because I mentioned our separation and unsure future and he was trying to manipulate me into telling him I want to leave: “I’ll tell you where I stand. I don’t feel any love from you or hope or real desire to make this better and make it work. I know what your parameters are for this marriage. I understand I have to change but I have bad news for you. I’m 53 and I’ve been through all the shit like this and worse. I am who I am. I try my best. It’s not enough for anyone and I accept that.”
All of this because I said I don’t want to take out a car loan because we are separated and (I didn’t say this to him) I’m not willing to protect him from the natural consequences of his own actions anymore. His Mom has given him over $30,000 over the last year and a half to bail him out of financial crises he was in as a result of his own action.

I told him clearly that I won’t come back unless he can treat me right and he tells me outright that he can’t/won’t change and continues to treat me poorly and then tries to say I’m the one who doesn’t love him and I don’t want to make our marriage better.

Has anyone else experience this kind of projection/manipulative behavior? What happens to you when you say no and don’t do what they want?

I’m finally getting out after 2.5 years of pain, hurt, and emotional and verbal abuse. But I didn’t expect it to hurt this much. Realizing how much he actually resents me and hates me after I gave so much of myself and actually loved him and tried to make him happy, hurts. So much.
My heart is shattering for the woman that blindly walked into this relationship. I fell for the lovebombing and forgave him way more times than he ever deserved. When someone shows you who they are the first time, please walk away. It’s not worth wasting another minute of your life on them.

I just posted on here but I need to know what to expect.

My husband and I had a massive fight on the way to church yesterday where he yelled at me, used a birthday gift from his mom against me when I confronted him about frivolous spending on himself when we’re broke, accused me of being controlling, told me to keep my mouth shut, and whipped the car around and parked it and got out and walked home because he was so angry and exasperated by me saying I’m allowed to have an opinion and say what I think.

He gave me the silent treatment yesterday and half of today and then texted me to say “Hope you have a good day. Hope we can figure out how to get along. Love you.” Trying to reset without accountability or an apology. He’s done this after every single time he’s hurt me by being verbally or emotionally abusive. That or crying about how he’s a broken man and then never changing long-term. Usually he says something along the lines of “I’m sorry. I’ll try harder. Love you.”

Now, he’s home and he tried making small talk but I’ve been yellow rocking him - keeping it very polite, factual, and neutral. I refuse to pretend that didn’t just happen. We haven’t said a word other than him mentioning how fussy my son was today because I had mentioned that when he asked how he was doing earlier. I came to make dinner and he picked up our son and went and sat in the living room and we haven’t said a word since. Normally we talk about whatever daily things.

This is extremely uncomfortable and slightly nerve wracking but I can’t live in his toxic cycle anymore. What can I expect his behavior to look like?

I’ve tried posting on here twice with a separate account and got zero response but I decided I don’t care if people I know see this.

I am currently 2 months postpartum and some of this behavior was before I ever got pregnant and has just been continuing. But the silent treatments, name calling, blowing up at me because I’m bringing up our financial reality, and the car incident were all during pregnancy or postpartum.

To be honest, all I’m looking for is validation because I’m experiencing massive cognitive dissonance and feel like I’m going crazy. My husband’s gaslighting has really started to mess with my head. I’ve talked to my sister and plan to tell my parents what has really been happening in my marriage recently. I feel like I need to get out and I can see that clear as day now.

Some things he’s done over the past 3 years:
-Berate me for an hr on the phone when he was drunk and tell me all the things I’m doing wrong in our marriage.
-Yell at me at a restaurant
-Most recent: Call me “bossy,” “stingy,” and “controlling” because I don’t want to be in more debt or completely broke. Meanwhile, he’s spending $300 on himself (part of trading his bike for a four wheeler) when our bank account went into the negative last week. He promised to provide and I’ve had to put groceries on a credit card and can’t put a full tank of gas in our truck because he cares more about doing what is fun than actually supporting his family. But he doesn’t want me to work.
-Blown up at me multiple times for bringing up our financial situation
-Stormed out of the house and given me the silent treatment for days (currently happening). Told me to “just leave if I’m so unhappy” or “just leave if I don’t respect him because he doesn’t want to be in a marriage like that.” But I only don’t respect him because of his mistreatment of me. This has happened more times than I can count. Even when I’ve been 2 months postpartum.
-Turns everything I bring up into something I’ve done wrong.
-Takes zero accountability. He just says “I’m sorry. I’ll try harder.” But nothing ever changes.
-Whipped the car around in the middle of a busy road with my 2 month old in the back and proceeded to yell at me. When I told him to stop yelling at me he just kept saying “well keep your mouth shut.” He doesn’t want to hear about how his financial decisions are selfish.
-Does all these things and then says I’m so mean and he’s unhappy in this marriage. Does big dramatic deep sighs when we’re arguing in a fight he created and says “this is SO unhealthy” like I’m the one being toxic.

I could go on and on. It’s scary how subtle it can be sometimes.
How could I have not seen the signs? I can’t raise my sweet baby in this toxic environment and I’ve created my own little business thrifting and reselling clothes so I can provide some financial security for me and my baby. I have a separate bank account where that money is going.
He’s totally messed with my head and I keep questioning if I’m in the wrong. If I’m the problem.

Just for context: I’m currently 4 weeks postpartum and my husband is the sole provider. I pretty much take care of the baby 24/7, no complaints, so he can get a good night’s sleep after work. He’s gone almost every day but is barely making enough to make ends meet since his pay was cut at his current job and he refuses to get a new job because he “doesn’t want to work for anyone.” Instead, he’s planning to do Uber. I’m hardly sleeping right now due to my baby waking up and fussing 2-3 hrs straight every night. Most nights I get 4-5 hrs broken sleep so I’m almost always running on empty, which is normal postpartum.

My sisters were just here for 5 days to hang out and meet the baby and they left this morning. When I woke up, I asked my husband if he wanted me to make him anything for breakfast and he said, “We have no food in this house. I don’t know why you guys couldn’t have gone grocery shopping once.” But I had gone grocery shopping and planned meals for the time my sisters were here before they came. The only thing we ran out of was bananas because my 1 year old nephew eats them everyday and I didn’t notice because I’m obviously busy. But I apparently should have noticed and bought more because “my husband eats one every day.” He also had the audacity to say “you guys didn’t make one meal when they were here,” which is completely untrue. We made 2 dinners and one night was my sister’s birthday, so us girls went out to eat kind of last minute. And then yesterday, we went on a day trip and got back late so we stopped and got fast food on the way home. But he just had to “fend for himself” because I/we didn’t make dinner. We never once agreed to me taking care of all of the dinners and grocery shopping prior to the baby.

I dropped the subject and then later asked, “so what should I have bought from the store?” And the only thing he could come up with was bananas. But he could have just as easily bought those himself. He then said, “I would just GREATLY appreciate it if you could take care of all the grocery shopping and food because I’m always gone.” And I said, “well I’m 4 weeks postpartum and completely exhausted and can barely feed myself some nights, so that’s not realistic for me right now.” Keep in mind, we have never previously discussed this and he’s putting these expectations on me out of nowhere. I ask him all the time what he wants for meals for work and he never gives ideas and then complains that he has no food for work. He told me I “should just be creative” and figure it out for him. No empathy for where I’m at physically, mentally, and emotionally right now. I don’t have space for more mental load. Then he brought up my Mom and said “I bet she makes food without asking your Dad what he wants.” Actually, my Mom asks my Dad for dinner ideas all the time. He then said, “I see how it is. Well, I’ll just take care of myself then. I’ll go get burgers but don’t complain and say we shouldn’t eat out to save money then.” I told him he was being rude and passive and I won’t be talked to like this and he said “oh so you just get to talk to me however you want?” And I said “no, but I can call you out when you’re being rude and unfair.” Then, he said “I’m leaving” and stormed out and left because he can’t handle being told he’s wrong and can’t take accountability.

TL;DR: I’m 4 weeks postpartum and my husband is gone a lot working. He got mad at me because we ran out of bananas and I didn’t get more for him and also because I didn’t make enough meals for him for dinner and to take to work when my sisters where here. According to him, he would GREATLY appreciate it if I could just be in charge of making all the dinners and doing the grocery shopping in our house. Even though I’m running on no sleep, while he gets to sleep every night, and I’m just trying to survive while taking care of me and the baby right now.

I just had my first baby 1 month ago and I’m now a SAHM, which I honestly love, as tough as it is taking care of a newborn. The problem is, I’m no longer working and I was bringing in an extra $35-$40K of income and my income was all gravy or it covered bills when my husband didn’t have enough work. Without my income, we’re struggling. We are basically broke now and we did have a decent savings and solid income before baby.

Our health insurance is half of my husband’s income every month and he also got a $10/hr paycut right after the baby was born. We were already struggling to get by even on his normal wage without my income. Not only that, he has 2 lawsuits filed against him by his ex so we already had to pay thousands for a retainer on one. We can’t afford a lawyer for the other lawsuit and he wants to use MY personal credit card to pay for it. I have perfect credit right now so I’m not comfortable with that. Especially if something happens, I don’t want his debt in my name. I guess I’m coming on here looking for advice on what to do because he absolutely refuses to get a different, more stable full-time job even temporarily to get us by. He’s not making enough at the job he has anymore and it’s been problem after problem with new management where he works. Today, he said he’s thinking about quitting his job and working Uber full time and doing photography. He hasn’t had one job yet with his photography business (because these things take time) and I already gave him the months leading up to birth to try. I get he wants to do what he loves and I have no problem with him doing it on the side but a business that’s making no money as part of our income? Why can’t he make a temporary sacrifice to support his family and make sure our bills are paid instead of two unstable jobs? “He doesn’t want to work for anyone else, he wants to be his own boss” were his words to me today when he texted me about maybe quitting. So, two unstable incomes being the sole provider because he can’t make a little sacrifice to provide for us and do something he doesn’t love just to make sure we’ll be okay. He told me I wouldn’t have to go back to work and insisted I quit my job a month before baby but now he won’t put in the work to keep us afloat. I just want to be able to take care of my baby and I’m under EXTREME stress because every one of our bank accounts is quickly running out. I refuse to be homeless with my baby because he can’t make a sacrifice. I just sacrificed my body through pregnancy along with my career postpartum and now I’m sacrificing my sleep, mental health, and body to keep my baby alive. And apparently I should also sacrifice my credit for him, too. This feels very unfair and like he’s being selfish and irresponsible but am I being irrational or reading this wrong? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

TL;DR: I’m currently 1 month postpartum and now a SAHM and my husband isn’t making enough money anymore because everything went downhill fast after baby. He refuses to get a different full-time job where he can actually make enough to pay our bills and instead wants to work 2 jobs (Uber and photography). Both are completely unstable and he has no photography work. Not to mention, 2 lawsuits from his ex and he wants to use my personal credit card to pay for an attorney for one and I have perfect credit.