u/y0sch3

Hello. I’m looking for some advice/support/help in deciphering what just happened to me. I am still reeling and feeling extremely low.

This is a long one. So I (26F) met this guy (28M) on Hinge, and we’ve been seeing each other for the past 2 months. We had a great first date and really hit it off. We get along well, share interests and a sense of humor, and align in our values. Everything was AMAZING up until one week ago today. It was actually shocking to me how well it was going (dating is a struggle as I’m sure most of you know), and I remember telling him at least twice that I was surprised he was single and I was so glad I found him. We’ve gone on lots of dates including two dates with my friends which I thought was a great sign. One of them was a wine bar with my best friend and her boyfriend, and the other was an MLB game with 2 of my close friends and their boyfriends. All of my friends really liked him as well. He also loves my 2 cats (B and Chai). Lately he’s been coming over and we watched a miniseries together as well as several movies. He’s brought me thoughtful little gifts too including a bottle of my favorite wine, movie theater popcorn, my favorite candy, and a blind box which I thought was SO sweet because it showed he was really listening to me (I told him I love vanillamace and her blind boxes and that I was looking for a cute bag charm for one of my purses). The only “red” flags I had noticed (“red” in quotations because I genuinely didn’t find them that bad) were that after our first date he didn’t text me back for a while and I thought he was ghosting me but he did end up responding and it was so early on that I thought I was overreacting. The only other one was that he couldn’t stay hard while we were hooking up and he never finished. I asked him if that was a common thing for him and he said yes and that it’s frustrating. I didn’t push him because I didn’t want to make him feel bad. He apologized, but I wasn’t upset/didn’t blame him because I didn’t think he could help it. So not that that’s even a red flag, just something a little off that I noticed.

Fast forward to the breakdown of this relationship. We last hung out a little over a week ago when he came over to my apartment and we watched a movie (Obsession, which we had both been really wanting to watch and both loved) and then he stayed the night. The next day he hung out until about 1pm which I thought was a good sign because he didn’t want to rush out the door. I work in an elementary school and was going back to work last week starting Wednesday, so I told him that things were going to be very busy for me but I could see him the following day or the next weekend because I was going out of the town this past weekend. He said maybe about the following day and then left. I texted him the following day asking if he wanted to hangout and he said he forgot it was a friend’s birthday and he would have to rain check. I said no worries, to have a good time, and that I missed him. Following this message, I didn’t hear from him for 6 days straight which was very odd because ever since that incident after the first date we had been texting nearly every day consistently. As the week went on, I grew more and more anxious each day I didn’t hear from him as I started back at work, had a work meeting that I was very very stressed about, and traveled to a city 6 hours away all while not hearing a word from him (while also getting a notification that he was active on TikTok so I knew he was on his phone). For added context, my work has been EXTREMELY stressful, last year was my first year out of grad school working as an SLP in an elementary school and it was honestly the worst year of my life. I started going to therapy for severe anxiety as last year was somewhat traumatic for me. I had an extremely inflated caseload and worked around the clock (nights, weekends, and breaks) to keep up. I had explained all of this to him, even cried to him over it and he was very supportive and kind. I told him I was very nervous about going back to work and that I would likely be very busy but I still wanted to make as much time for him as I could because I really liked him. As a result, I found it very off that he didn’t check on me when I went back to work.

I finally texted him on the last night of my trip as I was literally going crazy. I texted him “Hey is everything ok?” and got this response:

“I’m so sorry I’ve been distant. There’s something I never told you, Mandie, and I think you deserve to know because it’s a big part of why I feel like I have to do this. For the past two years, I’ve been dealing with a lot internally. I’ve been on five different antidepressant and anxiety medications trying to find something that helps, and throughout all of this I’ve struggled with dissociation and derealization.

For me, it’s hard to even explain what that feels like. I don’t always feel like I’m fully present in my own life. Sometimes I look in the mirror and it genuinely doesn’t feel like I’m looking at myself. It’s like I’m watching my life from the outside or going through everything on autopilot. My emotions can feel dulled too. Things that should make me really happy or really sad sometimes just don’t reach me the way they normally would. I know I’m feeling things somewhere inside, but I don’t always feel connected to them.

I’ve tried so hard to feel normal again, and I’m still trying. But the truth is, I don’t feel like myself right now. And as much as I care about you, I’ve realized that I’m not able to give you my full self. You deserve to be loved by someone who can be completely present, emotionally available, and able to give you everything they have. I don’t want to give you only part of me while pretending that I’m okay.

None of this is because you did something wrong. You’ve been so incredibly good to me, and that honestly makes this even harder. I care about you more than I can properly put into words, and I hate that I have to let you go when the last thing I want is to hurt you. I love spending time with you and B and Chai. Allowing me into your home and getting to meet your friends.

I just need to take a step back and figure myself out. I need to work on becoming myself again before I can honestly give someone the kind of love and relationship they deserve. You mean so much to me, Mandie, and I hope you never think that ending this means I stopped caring. I care about you deeply. I just know that right now, caring about you also means being honest enough to admit that I’m not capable of giving you all of me. 💛”

He sent me this response around 11:30pm. I was with friends and didn’t want to become emotional so I didn’t initially read the message and planned to read it before I went to sleep. When I finally read it, I was very sad because I didn’t want things to end but I also had a tiny bit of hope because I had not been fully transparent yet about my struggles with severe anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation the previous year as well as losing my alcoholic dad at age 19. I thought I could explain this to him and offer him support and grace. However, when I woke up he had sent me another message at 3:50am (which was uncharacteristic for him, we have never texted that late before):

“The true honest reason I stopped talking to you is because I met someone and I’m in love and she’s my girlfriend now”

After reading this, I felt EXTREMELY hurt and depressed. I texted him expressing my confusion about the direct opposition between the two texts and called him but I have received no response. However, my calls will not ring/go through but my texts are blue and delivered. So I believe I may be blocked but I am not sure. He did block me on Instagram and TikTok, the only 2 social media platforms we had shared with each other. I cried the entire day yesterday including the 6 hour drive back to my city and just generally felt extremely depressed and sick. I REALLY liked this guy.

Right now my mom is visiting me from 2 hours away because my mental health is so terrible. I still have to work however and I’m really struggling. I can’t believe he would do this to me right as I am returning to work. It feels like he’s kicking me when I’m down, and I think this is the lowest I’ve ever been in my life (and my life has not been easy). Looking for any help/advice/thoughts to get through this extremely difficult time. Thank you for reading!

TL;DR: I (26F) was seeing a guy (28M) from Hinge for 2 months and it was going very well. He randomly ghosted me for a week then sent a long message about how he’s experienced severe anxiety/depression and has been on several medications for it and thus is not ready for a relationship. A few hours after sending this message he told me the real reason he stopped talking to me was because he met someone else and is in love and they are now boyfriend/girlfriend. He then blocked me everywhere. I am shocked and feeling extremely devastated.