Update: I (37F) left again, he (49M) is dangerous
I (37F) posted here a few months ago after my boyfriend (49M) exploded because I looked at him for too long when I was worried about him. Everyone told me to leave. I wasn’t ready then.
We’d been together just over a year. When things were good they were amazing: chemistry, travel, sex, affection, future plans, I became close to his small child. But he has a horrible temper and would go from 0-100 over tiny things: shouting, swearing, telling me to f off/get out, mocking me, slamming things, punching himself in the head, then later apologising but still blaming stress, weed, grief, me “pushing” him, etc.
I left once, the pain was enormous. The domestic abuse helpline confirmed it's abuse and he could be dangerous. So I put all my stuff in storage whilst he was at work. I then went back after he admitted his behaviour was abusive and promised therapy/change. But I kept my belongings in storage because I didn’t fully trust him. I always had horrible anxiety. Things got better for a couple of weeks, then got worse than before. It's like he was poking me to get a strong reaction so he could blame me. I did some research and recognised he frequently used darvo, stonewalling and gaslighting.
He kept talking about his birthday and how he couldn't wait to organise something, so I was surprised when he forgot mine. He only got me a mug and paid for dinner once I reminded him. He blamed me for not reminding him. Then his dad passed away. I was there and I supported him as usual. He had been saying how he couldn't wait for him to die and how he was looking forward to inheriting a lot of money because his dad didn't appreciate him.
We came to Italy, where I’m from. I introduced him to my family. They loved him, gave us places to stay for free, paid for meals. After two lovely days, he exploded because I needed a bit of time to deal with an important work email before we left. He shouted about why I was on my "f'ing phone" (he's addicted to his phone, I'm barely on mine), complained we were wasting his holiday he had paid so much for, then while driving he went the wrong way, nearly crashed, clipped a parked car mirror and started screaming. He called me a cunt, said “fuck your family” then tried to take it back, punched himself in the head again and kept blaming me, his dad’s death and quitting weed. I recorded the conversation on my phone just in case but he doesn't know.
Something just clicked. I made him drive back, took my bags and left. I offered him the keys to the house but he refused. He was mostly upset because "you're embarrassing me in front of your family". Not once did he express empathy towards my feelings. All about appearances. I think he might be a true narcissist.
Since then he’s become coercive and threatening about the rest of my belongings in London. He’s said I’m not allowed back into the house despite me having paid rent until the end of the month, talked about “karma”, said he’d make me as unhappy as I made him, said I had “no choice” about him handling my stuff and even said he could throw it out if he wanted. He said his next girlfriend won't make him so angry because she won't be as annoying at me. That the only thing I gave him was a headache. It's not true, I have him everything. I stayed through his back operation that could have left him paralysed, morphine addiction, child custody drama, bereavement, financial crisis, erectile dysfunction. He doesn't see any of this. He says I'm a horrible woman for dumping him on holiday a week after his dad's death. He doesn't care that my own dad is ill with cancer again and his behaviour has been enormously hurtful and ungrateful. Then he flips back to saying he loves me and wants to talk.
My constant anxiety has lifted massively since leaving. It comes back when he contacted me, then drops again. I'll miss his kid, the good times, being around motorbikes (I'll start riding myself when I'm ready but not now). But this is who he truly is. I wish I could warn others who think he's popular and a great guy.
I’ve blocked him everywhere now.
It was so hurtful to realise he genuinely only has fake empathy and doesn't care about anyone but himself. Him disrespecting my family shook me so much. I can't believe I put up with all of this and much much more. I'm worried about collecting my belongings now, I don't think I should go alone.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
TL;DR: I went back after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship because he admitted the abuse and promised to change. He didn’t. He exploded again in my home country after my family welcomed him, frightened me in the car, insulted me and my family, and blamed me. I left. He’s now being coercive and threatening about my belongings. I’ve blocked him and my anxiety has dropped dramatically.