u/LiiA_Snss

Hello everyone,

I just need to have some closure as I keep questioning my own judgment. The decision was made to leave this man and I would like to know how bad it is when a guy jokes about how easy it would be choke you and somehow have an obsession to hold your neck even when you walk in public? Is this as bad as I think it is. Please be kind.

Hello everyone,

As the title says. I am struggling to make the call and breakup. I don't know what to tell him. I am terrified of his reaction. I don't know when is the best timing to do it...

For more context: I have been in a long distance relationship with my partner for 4 years. We live in the same country so we met very often. I sensed he wasn't a good person since the first months but I kept ignoring the warning signs. Long story short, he was abusive in all possible ways except physically. Although he was sexually forceful sometimes. We never had sex because of both our beliefs but he would sometimes undress me forcibly until I would start crying from fear and then he will stop. I also ended up with FND and I get PNES seizures now. Never had them before.

I decided to leave him 4 months ago. When he triggered another PNES seizure in me while we were on a video call. He saw me falling on the floor and screaming for help. I was calling my dad. But he kept yelling at me over the phone and saying horrible things. Like I am insane. I am controlling. I don't let him have fun with his friends. I want a slave not a partner. All because I was sad he kept prioritizing time with friends who live in the same city than time with me. Every single time. Never did he say no to plans with friends but our plans always got canceled. Postponed or forgotten. While still asking me when we will marry and wanting access to my body and showing me off to his friends and family. Anyway back to that event, I asked him to please call my dad on the phone. As I was starting to lose consciousness and tremors started but he said " I can't help. I am gonna eat. Bye. ". The next 2 weeks he never called me and he never apologized and acted as the victim. Next time we met he acted as if he never knew I experienced seizures. So I understood how utterly horrible of a person he is. And decided to break up with him once I finish an internship I was doing at his and his brother's startup. It been 4 months. I am done with the internship. I am just waiting for him to send me the certificate. I can't wait to break up and be free from this horrible man but I can't find the strength. Idk when and where to do it. Sometimes I want to do it in the most hurtful way but I fear his reaction. and sometimes my brain tells me " what if I was wrong all this time? What if I was the problem? What if I will regret it?" and sometimes I get thoughts that make me feel terrible " what if he is reverse discarding me? what if leaving won't give me back control because that what he wanted all along? what if he has someone new and I am just gonna give him what he wants while he gets to act like the victim?"

Any advices?

Hello everyone,

So I am writing this post just to get some feedback from strangers about my relationship. I am almost sure I was emotionally abused. My family and friends confirmed it. And everyone is on my side. They can't wait when I will finally leave him. But for peace of mind I would like to know your opinion. So I will mention several behaviors and events that happened between us and please let me know what you think.

1- He chased me in the beginning. I found him attractive but I saw him as a friend until he confessed and I gave it a chance. We were long distance and most of our relationship was online. The day after he confessed he went back to his city. I didn't hear anything from him the whole day until I contacted him myself. He was having fun in some nearby city with his friends and acted as if it was normal not messaging me even once. This is how our communication was for the rest of the relationship. I had to push and beg him to send me a good morning message and call me at least 15 minutes a day. The moment I would stop complaining he would revert back to barely talking but if I don't call he gets mad at me and tells me " you never call. You never initiate". His communication was very inconsistent. So was his mood. Hot and cold.

2- He lied about how long he was single after breaking up with his ex in the beginning. He said it was one year then he told me it was 4 months. When I asked him why he said one year in the beginning, he told me " it felt like one year. I forgot how long it was".

3- After 2 months he told me he finds all attractive women hot and gets excited by them.

4- He told me " you are lucky I prefer older women. Despite young women being the preference of most men which makes a lot of sense to me too but I prefer someone mature". I was 27 when we met . He was 29 and in the beginning he told me he thought I looked 23. Then with time he kept telling me how I look very mature despite majority of people telling me that I look much younger than my age. He would just say that they probably meant a year or 2 less not more.

5- When I was defending my Ph.D. he didn't attend it despite me begging him to. He traveled with his friend "for work" (he works remotely). Then when he congratulated me he told me that another of his friends defended his Ph.D. on the same day but he finished it in 3 years which he thinks is the real impressive achievement ( I finished mine in 6).

6- I want to not have intercourse before marriage. When I rejected his advanced he turned cold and silent. As if I didn't exist. When we would get intimate ( just kisses ..etc). He would later act as if I don't exist and need some space.

7- His friends' list on Facebook was always hidden. I had to beg him for 2 years to show it and delete all the girls he had that were not related to him in any way. Girls he added when he was looking for a new gf , before we met. He is very secretive with his online activity and wasn't eager to add me on social media. One time so I won't create any more "drama" he deactivated all his accounts only to activate them later during one of my worst periods in life, when I was extremely sick and we weren't talking because I was getting treatment and he was traveling with his friends. But the thing is that he blocked me. I only knew about him activiting his accounts because my dad showed me something my partner posted on his fb.

8- when we would argue, at night, he would make me panic , to the point that I couldn't stop crying for hours, and he would just shut down and leave me to go to sleep and act as if nothing happened the next day.

9- one time we were hanging out and i started having an asthma attack but i forgot my inhaler. He got so mad at me that I forgot it and became very distant. Instead of calming me down. Then when I managed to somewhat stop it. He was cold all the way back home. He didn't even hold my hand. When i told him why he can't even hold my hand he said " we have been together for a year now. That's for new couples" . I started crying again but he ignored me and walked in front of me as if I didn't exist. Even passersby pitied me but he didn't care.

10- He has a wandering eye and watches porn. When I told him it hurts me. He blamed me for not wanting to sleep with him and that he will keep doing it because he has needs.

11- After all the stress, I started experiencing PNES seizures. One time I was sad about the whole relationship, so I couldn't keep faking that I was okay( something I learned to do overtime. Because whenever I talked about something that hurt me in his behavior he would shift the blame and we would end up in a very heated argument) so he assumed I was mad about some random thing , which wasn't the case, and started yelling at me, knowing very well that stress causes my seizures. It got so extreme. So we were in a video call and I started feeling the start of the seizure. I fell on the floor. he saw it. Yet he kept yelling at me and saying the most hurtful things. How I don't let him travel with his friends in peace, how I am insane, how I am sick in the head, that I want to enslave him, that the world doesn't revolve around me and that he won't see me as the centre of the universe like I wish him to do ( never asked him anything like that)...etc. I couldn't answer him because my state was getting worse and worse so I started calling my parents with the little energy I had left. Yet he still kept yelling then he told me " i can't help you. Goodnight ". I tried to call my dad but he didn't pick up. So I called my partner in order for him to call my dad because I was afraid I would lose consciousness any moment. He didn't pick up and sent me the following text " i am at a cafe eating now. I can't answer " and for the next week he completely changed. He became very cold and distant and didn't call me for 2 weeks.

12- Last time we met. I experienced the start of a seizure. We were in his car. He told me " since when did you have seizures? You never told me " . Despite me telling him about it 4 or 5 times already and him seeing me having one in a video call. He tried to comfort me. Then right after when I was still very weak after the pre seizure state. He started touching me. Forcibly. I couldn't push him away. He knew I was weak but he kept pushing and I told him to please stop bcs people might see . To which he answered " I don't care". He also was holding my hand a lot that day with force because he saw that I didn't want to. When I came back home. I threw up 6 times from all the stress.

13- In the beginning he used to compliment me a lot. And my looks is the first and main thing that attracted him in me. But with time he kept pointing out some issues in my appearance that I myself didn't even notice. " oh look at that wrinkle"; " you would look like a boy with short hair"; " oh your butt is actually so flat , did you wear pads the first the day we met or something?", " you are so bony", " oh your eyes look beautiful today, they are usually hollow"...etc. to the point that I started hating myself.

14- He would not celebrate my birthdays or anniversaries unless I begged him to and reminded him. He would be very distant during those days and even forget to wish me a happy birthday.

15- In the first years he used to control my clothes. He would even tell me that I am ruining his reputation because I wore a dress that is short ( a bit above the knee). Telling me that I was showcasing my A$s online in innocent pictures with friends to seek attention from men ( on whatsapp!!).

16- He will makes all kind of promises and never keep them. He admitted he was bad and hurt me like 4 times and did some changes for a few weeks only to treat me much worse after.

17- He lied about his family. About his roots. He also promised me that he will get me a job in his brother's startup if I wanted to. And when I said Yes I want to. He told me I am not qualified and that he hired someone else already.

18- One time we had a big argument, and I got into a very bad state. I was crying and having breathing issues due to asthma. He helped me calm down but then became very frustrated with me. I asked him if he could hug me because I was terrified and feeling very sick. He did. I was crying on his shoulder only for him to suddenly starting to undress me. Which made me freeze in the beginning then I started panicking and having breathing issues again. Only then he stopped and said " you have such a nice body but it is useless. You cry so much" stood up and left . Leaving me in that state.

19- He has the tendency to hold my neck "playfully" even in public. With time he stopped because I started moving his hand away everytime.

20- He blamed me for 80% of the problems in the relationship and disagreed to take responsibility or accountability. He says I wasted his time. he could have been married with kids already if not for me. that I gave him grey hair. That I am extremely demanding, selfish and very ungrateful.

There are still many things I can think about but these are the ones that affected me the most. What do you think?