u/Fragrant_Charity_835

TL;DR: I’ve been in an abusive on/off relationship for almost 3 years. There’s currently an active criminal case and restraining order, and we weren’t supposed to be seeing each other, but after weeks of him contacting me and begging for another chance, I agreed to see him. We had consensual sex, but during it he strangled me until I was close to losing consciousness. I couldn’t breathe, was extremely lightheaded/seeing stars afterward, coughing and crying, and my throat still hurts 48 hours later. I went to urgent care today and they documented it as strangulation. I feel a lot of shame for seeing him again and guilt about potentially getting him in more trouble. I honestly don’t think I’m going to call the police, but I’m scared and struggling to make sense of what happened.

I’ve been in an on and off relationship with a man for almost 3 years. He is abusive. He’s gone to jail for DV several times, and there is currently an active criminal case and restraining order. Over the years there have been threats to hurt and kill me, punching holes in walls, destroying my belongings, shattering my car windshield, screaming, intimidation, name calling, blocking exits, etc. But he’s never actually outright hit me. We weren’t supposed to be seeing each other. I know that. But he had been contacting me for weeks, begging for another chance and telling me how sorry he was, and I agreed to see him. We ended up having sex. The sex itself was consensual. What happened during it was not.

I’ve allowed very light choking during sex before, basically a hand there without real pressure. This was completely different. His grip got progressively tighter until I could not breathe at all. It happened very quickly, 30 seconds or less. I became extremely lightheaded and felt like I was getting close to losing consciousness. When he stopped, I was seeing stars, coughing a lot, my throat hurt, and I had tears in my eyes. There weren’t any visible bruises, but he’s very strong, and I don’t really know how to explain how tight his grip was other than that it was scary.

This happened about 48 hours ago. My throat was still hurting and I started reading about strangulation and how there can be injuries without visible marks, which scared me enough that I went to urgent care after work today. They took it seriously, told me what I described was strangulation, examined me, documented everything pretty thoroughly and gave me DV resources.
I think I’m only now processing what happened, and I feel extremely ashamed. There was already a criminal case and restraining order. I knew I wasn’t supposed to see him, and I did anyway. I know how contradictory that looks, especially when I’ve said that I’m afraid of him. But it’s so fucking hard. Despite everything, I still feel deeply, deeply attached to him, and I hate that I do.

The other thing messing with my head is that he wasn’t angry. Usually when something scary happens, he’s already raging. This time we weren’t fighting. We were having a good day. So my brain keeps going to: maybe he didn’t mean to hurt me, maybe he got carried away, maybe he didn’t realize how hard he was squeezing. I haven’t even told him that he hurt me.

But he did. I couldn’t breathe. I was almost unconscious. A big part of me genuinely felt like he was trying to choke me until I passed out, and he almost did. I don’t know what his intention was, and I think that’s part of what I’m struggling with.

I’m also very aware of how significant strangulation is as a risk factor in DV, especially because this is someone who has threatened to kill me before. I know that, and it scares me. At the same time, I’m already carrying a lot of guilt about getting the police involved again in the first place. I know he doesn’t deserve any sort of protection from me, but I would still feel guilty if I reported this and it got him in even more trouble.

Honestly, I don’t think I’m going to call the police right now. I don’t even know if they would have a case for this particular incident. There aren’t bruises, it happened during otherwise consensual sex, and I don’t know how any of that would be viewed. I do have the urgent care documentation, but I genuinely don’t know what would happen if I reported it.

I keep thinking, I literally got strangled. I think?…..And then almost immediately my brain starts finding reasons why maybe it wasn’t actually that bad. I don’t know if that’s me being reasonable or me minimizing something really serious.

So I guess my question is: what do I do here? What do I make of this? The sex was consensual. The strangulation wasn’t. I didn’t ask for it, I couldn’t breathe, it hurt me, and it scared me. But I still feel deeply attached to him, guilty about the consequences he’s already facing, and ashamed that I saw him again in the first place.
I’m having a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings and honestly just looking for some guidance.

TL;DR: I’ve been in an abusive on/off relationship for almost 3 years. There’s currently an active criminal case and restraining order, and we weren’t supposed to be seeing each other, but after weeks of him contacting me and begging for another chance, I agreed to see him. We had consensual sex, but during it he strangled me until I was close to losing consciousness. I couldn’t breathe, was extremely lightheaded/seeing stars afterward, coughing and crying, and my throat still hurts 48 hours later. I went to urgent care today and they documented it as strangulation. I feel a lot of shame for seeing him again and guilt about potentially getting him in more trouble. I honestly don’t think I’m going to call the police, but I’m scared and struggling to make sense of what happened.

I’ve been in an on and off relationship with a man for almost 3 years. He is abusive. He’s gone to jail for DV several times, and there is currently an active criminal case and restraining order. Over the years there have been threats to hurt and kill me, punching holes in walls, destroying my belongings, shattering my car windshield, screaming, intimidation, name calling, blocking exits, etc. But he’s never actually outright hit me. We weren’t supposed to be seeing each other. I know that. But he had been contacting me for weeks, begging for another chance and telling me how sorry he was, and I agreed to see him. We ended up having sex. The sex itself was consensual. What happened during it was not.

I’ve allowed very light choking during sex before, basically a hand there without real pressure. This was completely different. His grip got progressively tighter until I could not breathe at all. It happened very quickly, 30 seconds or less. I became extremely lightheaded and felt like I was getting close to losing consciousness. When he stopped, I was seeing stars, coughing a lot, my throat hurt, and I had tears in my eyes. There weren’t any visible bruises, but he’s very strong, and I don’t really know how to explain how tight his grip was other than that it was scary.

This happened about 48 hours ago. My throat was still hurting and I started reading about strangulation and how there can be injuries without visible marks, which scared me enough that I went to urgent care after work today. They took it seriously, told me what I described was strangulation, examined me, documented everything pretty thoroughly and gave me DV resources.
I think I’m only now processing what happened, and I feel extremely ashamed. There was already a criminal case and restraining order. I knew I wasn’t supposed to see him, and I did anyway. I know how contradictory that looks, especially when I’ve said that I’m afraid of him. But it’s so fucking hard. Despite everything, I still feel deeply, deeply attached to him, and I hate that I do.

The other thing messing with my head is that he wasn’t angry. Usually when something scary happens, he’s already raging. This time we weren’t fighting. We were having a good day. So my brain keeps going to: maybe he didn’t mean to hurt me, maybe he got carried away, maybe he didn’t realize how hard he was squeezing. I haven’t even told him that he hurt me.

But he did. I couldn’t breathe. I was almost unconscious. A big part of me genuinely felt like he was trying to choke me until I passed out, and he almost did. I don’t know what his intention was, and I think that’s part of what I’m struggling with.

I’m also very aware of how significant strangulation is as a risk factor in DV, especially because this is someone who has threatened to kill me before. I know that, and it scares me. At the same time, I’m already carrying a lot of guilt about getting the police involved again in the first place. I know he doesn’t deserve any sort of protection from me, but I would still feel guilty if I reported this and it got him in even more trouble.

Honestly, I don’t think I’m going to call the police right now. I don’t even know if they would have a case for this particular incident. There aren’t bruises, it happened during otherwise consensual sex, and I don’t know how any of that would be viewed. I do have the urgent care documentation, but I genuinely don’t know what would happen if I reported it.

I keep thinking, I literally got strangled. I think?…..And then almost immediately my brain starts finding reasons why maybe it wasn’t actually that bad. I don’t know if that’s me being reasonable or me minimizing something really serious.

So I guess my question is: what do I do here? What do I make of this? The sex was consensual. The strangulation wasn’t. I didn’t ask for it, I couldn’t breathe, it hurt me, and it scared me. But I still feel deeply attached to him, guilty about the consequences he’s already facing, and ashamed that I saw him again in the first place.
I’m having a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings and honestly just looking for some guidance.

TL;DR: During consensual sex last night, my boyfriend choked me for maybe 30 seconds at most, with his grip getting progressively tighter until I genuinely thought I might pass out. When he stopped, I was coughing badly and had tears in my eyes, and my throat still hurts today. I’ve consented to very light choking before, but never anything like this. We weren’t arguing or fighting beforehand. It honestly scared me, and the more I’ve thought about it today, the more unsettled I feel.

My boyfriend and I have been on and off for almost three years. It’s a very toxic relationship, and I would consider him abusive verbally, emotionally, and mentally. He has threatened violence and threatened to hit me before, but he has never actually hit me.
Last night we were having sex and he started choking me while he was on top of me in missionary. We weren’t arguing beforehand or anything like that. He has lightly put his hands/arms around my neck during sex before, and I’ve been okay with that, but this was completely different.

It was short, maybe 30 seconds at most, but his grip got progressively tighter. At some point it went from something I wasn’t really thinking about to genuinely scaring me. He was squeezing hard enough that I thought I might pass out. When he finally stopped, I was coughing badly and had tears in my eyes. My throat still hurts today. I don’t have any visible bruising, but he is a very strong guy.

I didn’t really know what to make of it immediately afterward, but I’ve been thinking about it more today and I keep coming back to how scared I actually was in that moment.

I think what’s messing with my head is that the sex itself was consensual and I’ve consented to light choking/touching around my neck before. But I did not consent to that level of force. Because it was brief and there wasn’t an argument or obvious anger leading up to it, part of me keeps wondering whether he genuinely didn’t realize how hard he was squeezing or whether I’m making it into something it wasn’t.

Was this physical abuse? Sexual assault? Has anyone experienced something similar? I feel like I should know how to categorize this, but I genuinely don’t.

TL;DR: For those who have survived abusive relationships, did your abuser eventually move on, or did they stay revenge-oriented? Did they ever come back months or years later to retaliate, or did they eventually find someone else to focus on? I’m trying to understand how common either outcome is because I’m struggling with a lot of fear.

I’m really hoping to hear from other survivors because I know every situation is different.

My ex is about to be taken into custody again. He currently has an active warrant for violating a restraining order after going out of his way to download multiple fake phone numbers so he could contact me. In those messages, he was threatening me not to go to the police. This is someone who has previously been physically violent toward me, and we’ve been on this roller coaster for almost 3 years.

The hardest part is that his behavior has always been incredibly unpredictable. He swings between putting me on a pedestal and telling me I’m the love of his life, to absolutely hating me and blaming me for everything that’s happened. When he becomes angry, he can be impulsive, explosive, obsessive, and intimidating. Throughout our relationship there were repeated violations of boundaries, attempts to control me, stalking-type behaviors after we broke up, repeated unwanted contact, and an inability to accept that the relationship was over. Even after court involvement and restraining orders, he continued finding new ways to reach me.
Because of that history, I can’t seem to shake this fear that one day he’ll decide to get revenge. Part of me worries that after he’s arrested or serves time, he’ll feel like he has nothing left to lose. Another part of me worries about the long game…….that maybe he disappears for a while, waits until I’ve finally moved on with my life, maybe even years from now, and then decides he wants to come back and retaliate.

I know no one can predict what one specific person will do, and I know every abusive person is different. I’m not asking anyone to tell me what my ex will do. I’m just trying to understand what others have experienced.

Did your abuser eventually move on and find someone else to obsess over? Did they continue trying to contact or intimidate you? Did they disappear for months or years and then suddenly resurface? If they were particularly revenge-oriented, what did that actually look like?

I’d especially love to hear from people who are several years removed from the relationship. Looking back now, did your fear eventually prove to be unfounded, or did your abuser continue trying to insert themselves into your life?

I’m trying to better understand what the range of experiences looks like from people who have actually lived through it.

TL;DR: My ex cheated, begged for a second chance after 6 months apart, then abruptly dumped me and hard launched a new girlfriend the very next day. I never reacted or contacted either of them. About five weeks later, they split up, and suddenly he was blowing up my phone telling me I was “the one that got away.” The audacity is honestly unbelievable.

I need everyone to laugh with me because the audacity is actually insane.

My ex and I were together for about a year and a half. I found out he was cheating, so I ended the relationship. We stayed apart for about 6 months. He came back promising he had changed, telling me I was the love of his life, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life making it up to me, and begging for a second chance. Against my better judgment, I gave him one.

Then one day, he completely switched up on me out of nowhere. No explanation, no conversation, just dropped me. The very next day, he hard launched a new girlfriend on social media. She obviously didn’t just appear overnight.

I didn’t say a word. I didn’t call him, I didn’t text him, I didn’t confront him, I didn’t message her. I even accidentally ran into the two of them in public. We made eye contact, and I just kept walking.

Then about ~5 weeks later, I noticed they had removed each other from social media. And wouldn’t you know it… suddenly my phone starts blowing up. He’s calling me, texting me, telling me I’m “the one that got away,” that he misses me, adores me, and never should have treated me the way he did.

Like… are you serious? Weren’t you just showing off your new girlfriend a month ago?

I’m genuinely disgusted and completely done with him, but I cannot help but laugh because the audacity is absolutely unreal. The fact that he thought I’d just be sitting around waiting for him after all of that is actually insane. Please tell me someone else’s ex has pulled something this ridiculous.

TL;DR: I left my abusive ex and pressed charges. We spent eight months apart while everything went through court. He came back into my life, we got back together for almost another year, and I eventually filed charges again. Now I’m waiting for him to be arrested and start the court process all over again. I know I made the right decision, but I still miss him every day, and I hate myself for it.

I’m really struggling today and just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced something similar.

My ex and I were together for about a year and a half before I got the police involved for the first time. Our relationship was incredibly abusive, and he was absolutely horrific to me. Looking back, I know I was completely within my right to press charges and end the relationship. But doing the right thing didn’t make it hurt any less. For the next eight months while everything worked its way through court, it honestly felt like my soul had been ripped out of my chest every single day.

About six weeks after our last court date last summer, he started reaching out again. He was posting about me constantly on social media about how much he loved me and missed me, and then he started contacting me from fake phone numbers. (I have a restraining order against him.) Against my better judgment, we got back together and stayed together from August of last year until May of this year.

Eventually I looked around and thought, Why the hell am I still doing this? I had invested almost three years of my life into someone who just kept hurting me over and over again. There wasn’t anything healthy left to hold onto, so when the relationship ended, I filed charges again.

I filed in early June. He still doesn’t know. Then, in late June, he downloaded yet another fake phone number. At this point it’s probably the fifth or sixth fake number he’s used since I’ve known him. He started telling me I was the one that got away, that he loved me so much, and how sorry he was. I know it shouldn’t have affected me, but it completely fucked with my emotions. It made me miss him even more.

Now there’s an arrest warrant, and I’m talking with his probation officer and the victim advocate while I wait for the court process to begin again. I feel so much guilt, shame, and embarrassment, and I don’t even know why. I shouldn’t. He cheated on me. He manipulated me. He abused me. There have now been five or six criminal cases because of the way he’s treated me, yet somehow I’m the one sitting here feeling guilty.

I think what has me feeling so stuck is that after I pressed charges the first time, there was always a small part of me wondering if I’d overreacted or if maybe things could be different. Getting back together answered those questions once and for all. I didn’t overreact. If anything, I underestimated how deeply ingrained this behavior was. The second time around didn’t fix anything. It confirmed everything. He kept hurting me, and he kept showing me exactly who he is. Logically, I know he cannot have a place in my life anymore.

Something else has been weighing heavily on me lately. Recently, a young woman my exact age was killed by her ex just a couple of towns over from me. She had a restraining order against him, and he had active domestic violence charges pending in court. The similarities hit me harder than I can describe. It was a sobering reminder that this isn’t a fairy tale. It isn’t romantic, and it’s not okay. As much as I still love him, that case forced me to confront the fact that while the love I have for him may be real, whatever version of love he gave me wasn’t.

I’m just in this strange waiting game now, knowing he’ll be arrested soon and preparing myself to go through another criminal case. I’m angry about everything this relationship has cost me, but more than anything, I’m scared.

I know this relationship has to be over forever, but my heart just hasn’t caught up yet. Has anyone else felt this way? Does it ever get easier to stop missing someone who repeatedly showed you they were incapable of loving you in a healthy way?

TL;DR: My abusive ex has been arrested for domestic violence 4 times involving me, we got back together for 9 months despite a permanent protection order, and after I finally left and reported his probation/protection order violations, he now has 2 active arrest warrants. He also hard-launched a new relationship the day after we broke up. Once he’s in custody and I’m safer, do I warn the new woman, or do I stay out of it?

Hi everyone. I could really use some advice from people who have lived through this.

I was in a highly abusive, on-and-off relationship for nearly 3 years. During that time, I had to call the police and have him arrested for domestic violence 4 different times.

Most recently, and I’m not proud of it, we got back together despite there being a permanent protection order against him. We ended up being together for another 9 months. The abuse continued, but I was terrified to call the police because I knew we weren’t supposed to be in contact, even though I know it’s not illegal for me as the protected party. I was trauma bonded, scared, and ashamed.

During the last month of the relationship, he started acting really differently. I already knew he had cheated on me before, and then I found out he’d been cheating again. We broke up on May 21, and on May 22 he publicly announced a new relationship. It became painfully obvious that he had lined up the next woman before he discarded me.

After we broke up, I finally reported the probation violations and protection order violations. He now has 2 active arrest warrants in 2 different counties, and because he’s already on probation, I’m expecting he’ll be taken into custody soon.

The new woman is younger than I am, and from what I’ve seen on social media, there already seems to be instability. They posted each other, deleted the posts, unfollowed each other, and now they’re following each other again. I know social media isn’t reality, but that push-pull dynamic is exactly how things started with me. It’s difficult not to see the same pattern repeating while we haven’t even been broken up for a month, and he’s simultaneously facing eviction and 2 new domestic violence arrest warrants.
I’m waiting until he’s in custody because I don’t feel safe doing anything beforehand. But once that happens… do I warn her?

Part of me feels like she deserves to know there are multiple victims, that this is his 5th domestic violence-related arrest in less than 3 years, and that this pattern didn’t start with me and almost certainly won’t end with me. I would never tell her what to do. I would simply tell her the truth and let her make her own decisions.

The other part of me worries she’ll think I’m just the bitter or “crazy” ex trying to sabotage their relationship. I also know that if someone had warned me in the beginning, I’m honestly not sure I would have believed them.

For those of you who have been here before: Did you warn the next partner? Do you regret saying something, or do you regret staying silent?

TL;DR: My abusive ex has been arrested for domestic violence 4 times involving me, we got back together for 9 months despite a permanent protection order, and after I finally left and reported his probation/protection order violations, he now has 2 active arrest warrants. He also hard-launched a new relationship the day after we broke up. Once he’s in custody and I’m safer, do I warn the new woman, or do I stay out of it?

Hi everyone. I could really use some advice from people who have lived through this.

I was in a highly abusive, on-and-off relationship for nearly 3 years. During that time, I had to call the police and have him arrested for domestic violence 4 different times.

Most recently, and I’m not proud of it, we got back together despite there being a permanent protection order against him. We ended up being together for another 9 months. The abuse continued, but I was terrified to call the police because I knew we weren’t supposed to be in contact, even though I know it’s not illegal for me as the protected party. I was trauma bonded, scared, and ashamed.

During the last month of the relationship, he started acting really differently. I already knew he had cheated on me before, and then I found out he’d been cheating again. We broke up on May 21, and on May 22 he publicly announced a new relationship. It became painfully obvious that he had lined up the next woman before he discarded me.

After we broke up, I finally reported the probation violations and protection order violations. He now has 2 active arrest warrants in 2 different counties, and because he’s already on probation, I’m expecting he’ll be taken into custody soon.

The new woman is younger than I am, and from what I’ve seen on social media, there already seems to be instability. They posted each other, deleted the posts, unfollowed each other, and now they’re following each other again. I know social media isn’t reality, but that push-pull dynamic is exactly how things started with me. It’s difficult not to see the same pattern repeating while we haven’t even been broken up for a month, and he’s simultaneously facing eviction and 2 new domestic violence arrest warrants.
I’m waiting until he’s in custody because I don’t feel safe doing anything beforehand. But once that happens… do I warn her?

Part of me feels like she deserves to know there are multiple victims, that this is his 5th domestic violence-related arrest in less than 3 years, and that this pattern didn’t start with me and almost certainly won’t end with me. I would never tell her what to do. I would simply tell her the truth and let her make her own decisions.

The other part of me worries she’ll think I’m just the bitter or “crazy” ex trying to sabotage their relationship. I also know that if someone had warned me in the beginning, I’m honestly not sure I would have believed them.

For those of you who have been here before: Did you warn the next partner? Do you regret saying something, or do you regret staying silent?

TL;DR: My abusive ex has been arrested for domestic violence 4 times involving me, we got back together for 9 months despite a permanent protection order, and after I finally left and reported his probation/protection order violations, he now has 2 active arrest warrants. He also hard-launched a new relationship the day after we broke up. Once he’s in custody and I’m safer, do I warn the new woman, or do I stay out of it?

Hi everyone. I could really use some advice from people who have lived through this.

I was in a highly abusive, on-and-off relationship for nearly 3 years. During that time, I had to call the police and have him arrested for domestic violence 4 different times.

Most recently, and I’m not proud of it, we got back together despite there being a permanent protection order against him. We ended up being together for another 9 months. The abuse continued, but I was terrified to call the police because I knew we weren’t supposed to be in contact, even though I know it’s not illegal for me as the protected party. I was trauma bonded, scared, and ashamed.

During the last month of the relationship, he started acting really differently. I already knew he had cheated on me before, and then I found out he’d been cheating again. We broke up on May 21, and on May 22 he publicly announced a new relationship. It became painfully obvious that he had lined up the next woman before he discarded me.

After we broke up, I finally reported the probation violations and protection order violations. He now has 2 active arrest warrants in 2 different counties, and because he’s already on probation, I’m expecting he’ll be taken into custody soon.

The new woman is younger than I am, and from what I’ve seen on social media, there already seems to be instability. They posted each other, deleted the posts, unfollowed each other, and now they’re following each other again. I know social media isn’t reality, but that push-pull dynamic is exactly how things started with me. It’s difficult not to see the same pattern repeating while we haven’t even been broken up for a month, and he’s simultaneously facing eviction and 2 new domestic violence arrest warrants.
I’m waiting until he’s in custody because I don’t feel safe doing anything beforehand. But once that happens… do I warn her?

Part of me feels like she deserves to know there are multiple victims, that this is his 5th domestic violence-related arrest in less than 3 years, and that this pattern didn’t start with me and almost certainly won’t end with me. I would never tell her what to do. I would simply tell her the truth and let her make her own decisions.

The other part of me worries she’ll think I’m just the bitter or “crazy” ex trying to sabotage their relationship. I also know that if someone had warned me in the beginning, I’m honestly not sure I would have believed them.

For those of you who have been here before: Did you warn the next partner? Do you regret saying something, or do you regret staying silent?