I really need help and advice!!!!
[Just warning this may be long but I'd appreciate anyone who reads it out that can give me advice] I'll start by saying I've (F22) been with my partner (M27) for 9 years this October. We have two children together a 3 year old girl and 2 year old boy and I was done having kids. I'm going to try my best to make this easy to read and understand because I've been through alot in my life and only recently have realized how bad it has been. To make the beginning short when i was a child all the way until I was 13 my mother was very emotional and physically abusive she is a bad narcissist and eventually I gotten taken by dcf at 13-14 and it was the best day so I thought, when i look back now i realize how niave i was to think any of it was normal and all the way up until now i thought It really was normal. I started dating my current partner when I was 14 and I was on Xanax and he did lots of different drugs I remeber not wanting to be with him at first and he lured me in which I now know as love bombing, we had a pretty bad relationship in the beginning I know now that we was emotional cheating on me alot and verbally abused me all the time I always have a gut feeling he physically cheated but I will never know, he lived in florida the first 4 years of our relationship and was on drugs and he got on probation and we had to move to alabama, well I thought things were getting better atleast we weren't on drugs anymore and the fighting went down bc we lived at his mom's property for a year or so we still fought through out that whole time mainly because he would talk to other girls and even sexually flirt with them infornt of me somtimes which resulted in me getting beat later that night for crying about it like wtf, anyways I stayed and thought there was always somthing I could do to fix him like most people think, we moved into our now house and have been here for almost 5 years and have my 2 babies, well when we first started having our kids everything was good we had some rough patches he was cold and mean often but helped more and was just different from before and seemed to be trying to become better for us and had been sober for 3 years when our daughter was born,and still is but he's changed for the worst recently and there's hoenslty no excuse for it, i just wanted to clarify he's always be a mean hard headed man but I use to blame it on drugs and I was very young and dumb somthing opened my eyes after i had my kids and I can't look at him the same anymore, he finally stopped working with him step dad which was his choice because he treated him badly so he got a new job about 9 months ago and has been there ever since, now things have always been on edge but I still use to look forward to him coming home and we'd have a great weekend and actually enjoy time with him now he's so horrible and mean 90% of the time I don't even know why and it's like the nice side of him has completely left for good, he wakes up and yells at me if I don't make his lunch which I never did before just all of a sudden he wants it and I feel forced bc if I don't he's mad all day he only wants me to give him head most of the time now he gets mad almost like he doesn't want to have sex which us very offensive if i say I'd rather have sex with him bc I've done that to finish him most of the time (he has a porn addiction but it use to be way worse) he blames everything on me and I mean Everything like hourly jokes if somthing falls "why did you do that", the kids do somthing wrong "why are you letting them do that" his phone isn't plugged up "Why didn't you charge my phone" his towel not being ready by the shower which I use to do bc he'd never ask and I wanted to and now I literally get yelled at and called a bad "wife" for not having the towel ready after his shower bc I don't want to anymore and I will never be his wife I've already came to that conclusion he likes to call me that tho idek why, let me continue anytime and I mean ANYTIME I try to talk very calmly normally I try my absolute hardest to talk as calm as possible about him yelling and screaming at me names and stuff over not wanting to take care of him like he's my child he will lay there if we're in bed and repeat over and over and over again "shut up mental bitch,shut up mental bitch, shut up mental bitch" and so on until I'm like balling my eyes out and that whole time I'm just trying my hardest to get a word our and stay calm and try to just communicate with him bc I'm not a bad person and I don't treat people that way, somtimes I've begged him to lay with me and just calm down please stop yelling at me and he would grab me by my hair almost ripping it out and scream shut the fuck up in my face all because I was begging him to "just stop and calm down and why are you doing this to me I literally haven't done anything" and this is daily for example tonight right when he wanted to go to bed he gets mad that I wasn't tired so I go to bed with him he say "plug my phone up" while he's standing right next to it I say" you plug it up" bc wtf, and he literally said "then don't ask me to do anything for you anymore" just bc I'm tired of being yelled at over his phone not being charged in the mornings which is understandable right? So we lay down and he gives me the silent treatment and I did plug his phone up anyways and I ask if he can come lay with me and is he mad at me even tho I did was he asked, and he continues to say shut the fuck up so I'm stunned like usual and say really why are you doing this again I didn't think that would make you mad please don't, and he started doing his thing we're he literally repeats "shut the fuck up mental bitch" over and over until I break down and can't handle it anymore and leave he's also says nobody cares about me bc he uses the fact i have no family or friends to help and my mother is abusive as well I didn't see it for what it truly was until I had my kids and now I call him out about it and he has never been the same just absolutely horrible everyday we degrades me talks down on me disrespects my name, goes to work and makes me look bad so he can seem like this great guy like for no reason to everyone acts weird around me at his work which is usually bc he talks bad about me which I didn't know for years until I had my kids, he does the typical narcissist thing when he's extra nice to everyone else but the devil with me, and I still do most stuff for him bc I'd rather not argue and get yelled at and he still finds any reason at all to yell at me, the other day we went to Walmart so I could get our daughter some presents for her birthday it was Saturday and a great day and I was happy I brought my son in and the lines were long and the machine kept messing up so it took me awhile, I got out and everything seemed fine we loaded the truck up and went to leave he made a comment like "Why do you always take so long" and I said " there was a long line in there" with a smile on my face and he said " you were taking forever before you even got in line" and or course I said "can I ever do anything without you rushing me and being mad when i get mad" and that caused a whole argument to where he hit me in the truck infront of our kids just bc I took forever in Walmart and was confused why he was that mad about it. He use to apologize too and hold me and say how sorry he was anytime he upset me with made a huge different and he doesn't do that anymore this is the 3rd time in this year he's hit me while driving over somthing very small and stupid, he then ignores me for the rest of he day while I cry and never says sorry he says " I deserve it" and I dint know why he think that he never said or acted this bad before like this emotionless and cold hearted, no recourse at all, a week before my brithday which is in February we were drinking and I asked him to go to the store we were very happy that night I thought and he left, miniutes later he calls and yells the store is fucking closed and why would I send him up there even tho there was another store he just turned around and hung up on me so I tried calling him back and he scream "im not coming home" like wtf right? I soon realized this was a weird excuse to watch porn, i found his truck down the road and when I go to talk to him he dragged me down the road for a 10 seconds fast to the point I couldn't let go of the window and then drove off when I let go finally all because I wanted him to go to the store and didn't know they just closed, anyways he hits me alot now mocks me while I cry which is honestly terrifying and horrible abuse bc my MOTHER use to do that to me when she's call me a whore at 7 years old and say things I didn't even know what it meant I would cry and she would mock me back in this mean tone of voice like "wha wha wha, shut up" and come hurt me so when my partner started doing it to me it was very traumatizing and one of the things that changed how I looked at him, I feel stuck and have absolutely no family to help me, he makes very little money and we only have 1 vehicle but I pray everyday I really want to leave he's mean to our children and when I interfere and stay stop doing that he turns it on me and is 10× worse to me bc I didn't let him punish a 2 and 3 year old for accidentally spilling a drink he'd scream they know what there doing and they need to learn which scares me bc how can they learn if your screaming and whooping them for evrry little mistake instead of teaching them what happened, he generally thinks I'm wrong when i say stuff like that and he's right and I'm mental and crazy he says that alll the time now every day every hour anything i do wrong and mistake I make anything I say that he doesn't like even if it's a normal comment he calls me mental and crazy it's becoming really bad when nobody at all knows he's likes this, he doesn't love me anymore and it obvious I dont think he ever did, I feel stupid for not leaving before we had kids bc all the signs were there but there somthing telling me he knows I'm not in the position to leave and now that we have kids he could finally let the beast out and I'm scared I will never see that nice side of him the one that atleast felt bad and apologized or tried to change and make things better he's given up completely on anything to do with changing and I've never seen him like this bad our whole relationship until now I really want to leave I've tried talking to him and saying we need to communicate and what's wrong and I'm here for you and all the things you could say to make someone feel comfortable and he would just say" shut up stupid bitch" he would say that after EVERYTHING I'm not even lying it's messing with my brain I can't handle it anymore I can't even work on things with him bc that's his reply to everything nothing matters to me anymore he's pushed me to a point I can't take it and have nobody to talk to, anytime I say how I feel about anything I could say I'm hot or I'm tired and he always competes with me and says he's more hot then me or more tired even if he's not it's ridiculous he doesn't belive anything I say anymore like literally says I'm lying about everything unless I look it up on Google and then he believes it, and doesn't do anything with ours kids he mad all the time when he is home every weekend there's always a new reason even if I stay silent and do nothing wrong at all he will find a reason to lay him bed all weekend and ignore me and the kids even if I'm begging him to come help and play with them he doesn't want to he says "shut up mental bitch" so I do everything by myself again and he still only come out to make himself food like he's a roommate or somthjng and thus isn't just every now and then it's every single weekend for the last 9 months every weekend every day after work even if dinners made Everything's perfect he's just mad about nothing and cusses me and and says I deserve it and he doesn't need to be greaful about dinner or anything at all just is mean as fuck I could go on forever saying stuff bc I've had years of nobody to talk to but this last 9 months have become unbearable and I can't even breathe wrong without him cussing me our and hitting me then sitting in the room at night or weekend never wanting to be around the kids unless he's drunk, idk what to do but it defeating me at this point....