u/emiangelxo

I left my abusive relationship from 16-18 he would call me names cheat on me constantly and physically hurt me but I left in the end . I met another guy and things were good at the start but then he started slowly insulting me calling me annoying and stupid . Recently I forgave him for blocking me for the 3rd time because i genuinely just thigujt id give him another chance because he’s always said he’s just saying all this to help me . Anyway tonight we met up n we had a argument about him being depressed n me saying that its mostly in your head because there are people who like you and he switched up on me n started screaming insults just like my abuser did . How im so stupid I am annoying I don’t do anything right . I don’t know how to recover no more because after my abuser I thought maybe he’s the only one who thinks im like this but after another man I’ve let my guard down for has said the exact same I feel like maybe there’s some truth in it .

I’m in a cycle now where I’m drinking going on benders speaking to absolutely everyone and then not being able to sleep at all . All I want to do is call him n try and speak things out or apologise but I’m blocked on everything. He was my situationship and he ended up blocking for the 3rd time because I was drunk again and was asking him why he can’t love me or help me:( I’m a mess I’ve ruined it. Wish i could die idek how to fix this . I wish he cared but he never will. And I always ruin everything and then complain about being alone his friends find it funny how upset I am too.

I can’t be normal . I hate this so much . All my life all I do is get obsessed with people and let myself be used and treated like shit just because I love them or I don’t want to be alone . Maybe I’m asking for it at this point . I just genuinely can’t take this this is so stupid how much can someone even hate themselves ? And obviously I know this isn’t right but I love them too much to even care to leave . I let myself be abused , used all over again what’s the point even they don’t like me or stay anyways . I feel empty . I feel disgusting 24/7. My life feels like it’s over I’m only 18 and I just feel dirty disgusting . The pain of people leaving is so bad that I just put up w this shit instead but there’s really no point because they all leave in the end anyways . Why can’t I just be normal . What god would ever make someone live like this ???? What life is this even ?? No one will ever love me or like me if they knew what I’ve done .

Seriously asking after I was groomed at the age of 15 by a 26 year old man who wanted sex for drugs I ended up just sleeping w anyone who gave me attention (mostly older ) I am aware that some of them was rape and I couldn’t consent but idk how to live w myself I feel like I’ll always feel dirty . I’m 18 now and I feel like it’s all hitting like idk what was going through my head when younger . I feel like maybe I’m the messed up one . If anyone relates please tell me how you live w yourself and forgive yourself .