My previous posts have the story. I feel like i have to go back again I left on Sunday but I feel like a bad wife she was mean but I wasn't perfect either the last time I went back i ended up apologizing over and over again. Maybe if I go back and apologize she'll change and take me back. The abuse she did wasn't even that bad.
My story is decently documented in my former posts. I left on Saturday during an argument my wife had revealed a major secret about my childhood abuse to my parents without telling me for 4 years on top of the physical emotional and sexual stuff. Anyway I have 2 questions. I'm currently ignoring their communication for now to maintain my sanity am I wrong for doing so? The second is what should I expect from the divorce process is it difficult I don't have kids or any real shared property.
TW: physical, emotional, and sexual abuse
Hello I'm MtF 24 this is the story of how me and my wife F24 have fallen apart.
We started out great as tends to happen started dating the summer we graduated and everything was a dream. I was still very much unknowing of my gender identity at the time but she was pan and had been with trans people in the past. I went to college and missed her bad enough that I actually dropped out after my first semester. We moved in together not terribly long after that. We had moved in together before we hit one year but we were madly in love. This is where things started going down hill. Slowly she started pulling away and I started feeling more alone. I fucked up majorly and made an incredibly stupid decision. This decision was all mine and I have taken accountability for it continuesly. I started flirting with girls online on and off that's as far as it progressed but is still cheating.
She blew up at me reasonably so but had almost a smile through all of it. Some of the actions following it probably are abusive but I will not list them because I simply do not want to give myself an out on the responsibility of my actions. I have attended therapy for years to fix what was in me that lead to that namely hypersexual tendencies from bipolar and ptsd.
Power started shifting after i started recovery and I had issues coping with it. I do have ptsd from childhood sexual abuse from a female relative and from csam abuse from the same person. I say that to help frame where my head was. My wife started demanding sex and in these sessions she would tell me every way I was bad at it until I would be crying. She would then tell me i don't deserve to cry about it and that I was being manipulative. Eventually about 3 months after I was discovered cheating i attempted on my own life. While I was in the hospital my wife without my consent told everyone in my family about my sexual abuse and who did it. She also would use this attempt as a way that i was abusive and taking away her ability to seek mental health help and would routinely be used in fights as a way i hurt her.
We got married not long after that because i figured it would be a way to escape the constant onslaught of berating me. It did for a few months then things got bad again. The biggest catalyst for abuse was trying for a kid. We are infertil and this added stress that would be taken out on me. Every time a negative test would happen id be closed out or yelled at. There was no level of support that was enough. When it came time for trying my safety slowly became a non factor and I was punished if I couldn't perform or if I needed to stop for trauma reasons through stone walling, and insults.
This all came to head at the single instance of physical violence. She has a tendency to throw her arms around when mad at me and yell which makes me freeze. I had to stop sex the night prior to the incident because she had yelled at me prior that day and I didn't feel overly safe when I stopped she rolled over and huffed and puffed at me I apologized repeatedly and was made to promise sex the next day. The next night came and fear and anxiety made me feel unsafe but knew i had to perform. I asked if she would kiss me a little to warm up and she pushed me away from her hit my leg and stormed to the bathroom where she wanted me to follow her to comfort her. She never apologized and I cried myself to sleep.
My transition has also been a catalyst where she would say she's supportive but show no real support and would even use other people's proper pronouns then proceed to not use mine. On 2 seperate occasions she told me i would never be a mom, and a few times told me i can't come out because it would hurt her reputation as a teacher so I suppressed myself. I cried a lot over this as well.
I finally left after I realized id been used in my sleep multiple times (I take seroquel because of bipolar and it sedates heavily) she would toych me while i sleep and blame me for it after I woke up with bruises the night I discovered it. I had ptsd symptoms for the rest of that week and left that Sunday. I stayed away for 2 weeks but every time we'd meet I would be blamed for everything until I finally came back and stayed for a week until I took a nap and she had asked me for consent while I was passed out and in a stooper I said yes. She was fully on top of me when I woke up. The breaking point is my mom told me that she let them all know about my trauma and lied about it for 4 years. I left that day and have been on my own for a few days at my parents. I'm fighting every urge to go back there's probably more but thats a good start leave some words I guess.
I left my wife 3 weeks ago and came back this past Monday we've had 2 fights where I've apologized for leaving but they seem nicer. They aren't pressuring me for sex right now or berating me. They even got me some clothes for our anniversary. The past actions included emotional abuse for refusing sex one instance of physical abuse. Some giving up of control through joining banks and tracking me through my phone. And sexual abuse while I was sleeping on a few occasions. She has apologized after I told her I wanted an apology I'm not sure she really meant it but I got yelled at for saying it wasnt heartfelt. I've apologized for my behavior and leaving a lot since leaving and coming back.
Now the actual questions I have 2. First one of the boundaries set by her is that I have to show her affection physically. I'm not sure I'm ready as I'm still jumping when I'm touched by her. Is that a realistic thing to have issue with and how do I make myself trust her? The second question is I'm scared to tell her I want to skip this cycle of trying for a kid because I think she'll get mad at me. How do I not feel bad for saying no to trying for a kid again so soon as I'm not sure trauma will let me at this point?
My therapist advice was that i should leave again as I'm not really sleeping and it's not good for me to feel unsafe. My dad begged me to leave as well. I feel bad leaving at a good time though. I know that's probably the answer I just am having trouble making myself do it.
I'm mtf24 my wife f24 has had fertility issues and has been somewhat supportive at least says she is but her actions don't really follow. I came out to her 2 years ago she doesn't really use pronouns and still calls me husband. I also told her my name and she refused to use it. On 2 seperate occasions she's told me I won't be a mom i have to use a different title and once even jokingly said i should just use my name. I cried for months after that. I left and came back and all of a sudden it's no problem to use my pronouns and name the leaving is a long story you can look at my posts I made yesterday to get a good picture. My question i guess is this okay am I okay being upset about it I also came out to my parents and she said that I put her in a bad spot because now attention is on me if that's important.
Update: I just want to thank everyone and say that I now fully acknowledge the abuse that occurred she denies all of it and blames me for a good portion. The sexual abuse is because "i don't meet her needs" and she's claimed the physical stuff was accidental but because she was upset that after having to stop intimacy due to trauma the night before I was making it hard to enjoy by asking for a warm up. The amount I've been blamed for being hurt has made it hard to trust. My ptsd has back slid a lot as well.
I moved back in with my spouse after fleeing. They just say I'm not putting in the effort so I came back to hope that the conversation would finally be about my pain but it's not. It's about how I hurt her by leaving. She doesn't remember abusing me and won't call it abuse but backed me into a corner and made me say I abused her. Now she's made comments about self harm in a way that I'm prone to and has made repeated comments and jokes and stories of an abusive partner killing their spouse. I look mortified every time and they just giggle about it. I could use some words.
TW:physical and sexual abuse
I left 2 weeks ago and went back Monday because I was being made to feel like I was obligated to give a second chance. I'm 24 (mTf) I've made a million mistakes and I'm still apologizing after I left and now that I'm back. I'm slowly starting to think it's all my fault. Sexually assaulted in my sleep but I've done it too a few times so it's okay for her to do so. Hit after asking for foreplay to get in the mood for sex it was my fault because they didn't mean it and I made them upset. Being guilted for turning down sex it's my fault for making them feel undesirable. When i point out manipulation I'm told I did the same thing. When I point out control my suicide attempt is thrown in my face and how it negatively impacted her. Maybe I really am the abuser she's upset because I'm not showing affection yet but I'm scared I'm sleeping all of like 2 hours. All I see when I close my eyes is me being hit or her touching me while I was asleep or on medication. Do I deserve this? If I'm the abusive one I want to get help and change i don't want to hurt anyone.
I'm not perfect far from it my wife keeps me informed of this fact. I've come to realize some of what I'm expierienceing may be abuse I'm not certain. We started out perfect head over heels for eachother frequent sex and constant long conversations. She slowly changed me I molded to her dropped out of school and confided in her all of my shameful past without hearing much of hers. Things slowly started changing when I was convinced to move in with her. There was a small pulling away from me we were both stressed out so I get it. She started being a little meaner and more critical of me our sex slowed down a lot. I got caught with messages to another woman i did not go through with anything and shut it down she made me say I cheated though i didn't it just seemed like a way to avoid more pain from her. I know I'm in the wrong very much in the wrong. But things changed a lot i was she threatened to kill herself if I leaved berated me for hours made me disclose everything to my parents and forced me to have sex that night while she told me every bad thing I did in bed. She continued these sessions along with hours long sessions of insulting me for months to fix our relationship. I did attend therapy during this time to work on myself and have resolved the issues that lead me where I was at that point. I attempted at one point during this time and during this she was upset that my family was focused on me and didn't focus on her. Fast forward a while we get married things are great for a while but then when my libido gets lower her emotional support is withdrawn and insults are more common fights start nothing physical but slamming fists and stuff like that start. Gaslighting over small things start if she mis hears something I say it's me who misspoke there is no arguing I am wrong. I'm constantly made to doubt my intelligence. I'm told that not having sex is me not caring I feel terrible I make myself have sex when I don't want it if I say no I'm given the cold shoulder or insulted. We start trying for a kid and this means I have to have sex as often as she wants. I come out as trans around this time and support is withdrawn when I'm not good enough. She only uses feminine language during sex but I'm not treated feminine. In a joke one night she tells me I'll under no circumstances be called mom. I'm told constantly that I don't care enough made to cut off my family as they were able to have kids before me and I'm not allowed to support them. There was also an incident that turned down sex due to ptsd i had to stop in the middle she got angry and when she got up her hand slammed hard onto my leg i made audible sounds of pain she didn'tapologize. Now here i am in a house with a bank account I was guilted into combining and gaslighted into thinking it was my idea, I'm tracked through my phone and every conversation I have she listens to I'm a sex slave in my own house... did I deserve this. Is this the price I pay for my infidelity.
There's no groups in my area for hellenes but I think there's a some intrest. the problem is I'm kinda new so I'm a little nervous to try to start a group I would love advice from anyone who's tried to do this before. I would also welcome anyone advising against it. Other challenges I face are living in a rural area where this kind of stuff doesn't get greeted with open arms.