r/OSDD

How is everyone experience with either co fronting or co consciousness? I always get the two confused

My fiance has been very slowly coming to terms with the fact that he has a form of osdd with a lot of help from a therapist.

I have bipolar 2 and rsd myself so I understand how hard it is to come to terms with having a diagnosis that is that heavy.

I had a manipulative best friend in middle and high school who “had did” but years later told everyone that they were faking it for attention and to get away with their shitty actions. Because of this I feel like I get very defensive whenever my fiance brings up his osdd.

What are some ways i can support my fiance? I want to be able to help him as much as i can. Are there any influencers or books people recommend that are about what it’s like to actually have osdd?

I’m suspecting and awaiting my formal assessment.
I hear voices and think I do switch but have amnesia so it’s hard to track.
Im starting to explore the voices and coping strategies with my psychologist to prevent them taking over.
I’ve tried journalling and will have a lot of thoughts in my head or wanting to write down what the voices are saying to process it but by the time I pick up the pen, I’m blocked and my head goes empty of everything.
Sometimes I freeze due to conflicting demands in my head (e.g 1 of my voices forces compulsive exercise, another is incredibly paranoid. If they’re both active I get stuck at the door between going for a run and being afraid to leave). I’ve found talking out loud sometimes help me leave the door and unfreeze.

This morning I tried journaling in the form of recording a voice memo and just talked out loud stream of consciousness. I felt like a weight had lifted afterwards and my mind was so much clearer. I’m thinking of trying to make this a regular habit and see if I notice changes or switches or thought differences.

Has anyone else tried this form of processing? Did you find it helpful? Have you got any other advice for processing when you are blocked from physically writing in a notebook?

Yea that’s really it. Im a therapist - I remember and could basically recite entire sessions with my clients. It’s weird to me that I legitimately can’t remember what I did in my own therapy session- I do struggle with denial- so this seems like the most clear case of amnesia I’ve ever experienced, which makes it extra jarring….Bc I know I went and I know it was helpful- but I don’t remember what we talked about or why I felt better after. This is the second time this happened.I had to ask her what we did in the last session at the beginning of the most recent session- I kind of remembered when she told me but honestly it didn’t jog my memory like you would think be reminded of the main points would.

I did recently start with her (3 months) and she is an excellent therapist and we are doing good work. This ever happen to any of you?

Some background … I’ve been at this for about 6.5 years. I looked like I had strong signs of DID for quite some time. I have a very good sense of myself and a very strongly developed subject-object approach to seeing myself. Incredibly high metacognition and ability to self examine and grow quickly using tools that would be classified under the contemplative arts, yogic philosophy and responsible spirituality (a lot of spiritual environments can be very harmful). Autopsychotherapy (Debrowski’s work) works very well for me. Traditional therapy has not just been largely ineffective, it has harmed me to a degree that I could have never envisioned, left me in a horrific spot. I have been accurately labeled as PG (profoundly gifted) by two credibly clinicians (one with over four decades of working intimately with moderately to profoundly gifted individuals of all ages). In this time frame, I used a ton of cannabis (which was initially pushed on me by my abuser as I began to try to get away from his control) over the years and am so thankful to be off that addiction (wildly difficult to break). I was being diagnosed while both being in a state of chronic heavy cannabis use AND while being immersed in an INESCAPABLE abusive environment (described by my doctor as torture) that are beyond the comprehension of most people in my very privledged community/circle, where my life was continually under mortal threat. Both of those situations, in my very strong opinion, should give pause to the diagnosing clinician, who ahoupd not be moving quickly to a diagnosis. Additionally, I was working with clinicians who grossly lacked knowledge of severe domestic abuse. And the clinicians who worked with me on trauma exploration were not trained in my neurodivergence - being PG places me at five standard deviations beyond the norm. Being PG, I will maintain, is a massive asset and has given me gifts to stay alive and allowed my mind to remain in tact and not break. However, it is dangerous to work with those that do not understand this way of being … as I assume with other neurodivergences, misdiagnosing is a very likely scenario.

It took an immense amount of effort to escape my spouse. I had no one I could really rely on to assist for the most part (my monstrous mother has what one clinician called “a wildly weird enmeshed relationship with my ex”) and I had one particular clinician that frequently spoke to my now ex, an ex who would fully meet the criteria of the framework of a Persistent Predatory Personality by Dr. Karen Mitchell (her work is a game changer in the field). This clinician is Barette Estess out of Santa Fe, NM. Any work with this man for those that have abuse in their lives should be proceed with extreme caution. He was violating not just the rules of ethics for his profession but also committed violations for which he could be held legally liable. I believe he operated out of good intentions, but extreme ignorance. So much so that I question whether he should have his license revoked, not be in practice, without a significant amount of work to remedy his practices and understanding.

I finally was able to achieve a divorce 4.5 years into this journey, after nearly twenty years of marriage. However, to my shock, after loosening the legal bonds of my ex over me I still found myself in a terrible state, with him still able to exert control and terror over me (it is clear that society doesn’t understand severe coercive control, domestic violence and this ignorance is reflected in the institutions purporting to keep us safe). After the divorce, my mind was FULLY trapped in it still. In an attempt to use body centered work, I found a clinician trained through the U of Michigan who seemed naturally attuned to her field. She departed on maternity leave and placed me with a clinician named Beth Chapman, also out of Michigan’s MSW program, due to the believe I had DID. Beth was terrible but not harmful in the ways Barrett was. Accomplished nothing and brought me up to 4x/week out-of-pocket! I spent the price of a car with her in a pretty short period. I eventually asked to take MID-218. Beth was really difficult to deal with after the results came in. She said it showed I was nowhere near having DID and she proceeded to question if I answered truthfully and stated that she had a long waitlist of clients “who actually need help”. I departed from her, gaining nothing but debt due to literally spending every penny I took in through alimony and child support during my months with her. The financial situation I have created through my entire journey has placed me in a situation where, from a practical and logical sense, I was frequently considering suicide over the last two years, including researching the program in Cananda through physician assistance to accomplish such. My financial situation is the worst it’s ever been but now I feel I can work through anything and have very recently found myself thinking much less about such.

What did change everything was KETAMINE. I can’t overstate how it was THE game changer. I am happy to answer questions regarding what it gave me, that no other work could.

In the process of using Ketamune with an ER trained physician who has an amazing ability to empathize and provide a relational setting that was unmatched by any of my several clinicians in therapy previously, I decided to try therapy again, this time using a clinician through insurance. This clinician had two graduate level degrees relevant to delivering therapy, one from NYU and one from UC San Diego. In no way do I want condemn her, as I think she exhibited wonderful dispositions of curiosity and tried to be relationally attuned. However, talk therapy was not useful and, unlike other therapists who for the most part continued to keep me on when it was not working, she expressed a concern over the lack of progress and questioned whether we should continue together. She was ethical and professional, attributes that I have seen lacking in many clinician partnerships I previously had. We parted ways due to it not being effective to date, paired with my insurance ending. I asked her about her impressions of Michigan trained clinicians and she said “terrible”. This matched my experience (I had a total of three from the program). I asked her about Wayne State and Oakland U clinicians and she had detailed and becoming comments about those she had worked with from there. Years ago I knew I wanted to move into social work or counseling as a profession, that it’s an exceptional fit for me. Although I graduated in the nineties from Michgan and was aware that for a long time U of M has been listed as the number one school in the national in Social Work, I have realized that being a clinician in this field is not about schooling but rather the natural fit and dispositions of the individual. Years ago, I saw a quote out of a social work program in London that I will never forget. It was something like, social work is the easiest job to do poorly and the most difficult job to do well.

Just before I ended my relationship with that above clinician, the one on insurance, I intersected with a clinician who studied counseling out of Oakland University after reconnecting with the domestic abuse services of Haven in Pontiac, Michigan. I had previously received individual counseling there, as well as in-person group work. I was in such a state at that time where I couldn’t keep so much of my life straight and ended up missing enough sessions that I was removed from the individual counseling program, understandably. I live in one of the wealthiest communities in the nation/world, in a county of immense privledge and heavy population. Despite that, there is only one facility deeply fit to house and provide services to DV victims in Oakland County. I rejoined the program as a group participant. The waitlist for individual sessions for both myself and my children (who need help and I can finally feel safe enough to get it for them - before I was convinced their dad was too risky and I’d end up dead if I tried) had a waitlist way too long. I was instructed to look through a list of private clinicians that Haven suggested to use to find help. This time, one of the clinicians from the list who was going on maternity leave was abundantly helpful. She suggested a clinician, not on the list, but trained and skilled in domestic violence. I was seeking help for my daughter at that time. In talking to this Oakland U and Haven trained clinician, I realized I wanted to talk to her myself. We have only met about eight times. However, with an immense amount of work on my own via my skills and practices in autopsychotherapy, a new way of showing up for myself totally propelled by the magic of ketamine, and the wonderful dispositions she approached me with (strong curiosity, respect for the boundaries I was able to show, a perspective that came from training in working with giftedness, and her wonderful training at Haven), I am doing great. I do not NEED therapy but I recognize it as a useful tool/journey/augmentation/complement to ketamine that motivates me to find the funds to support work with her. I’ll share that it was ketamine WITH an ATTUNED DOCTOR, whom I vibe with very well, that did the trick. It was also realizing that I needed to take steps of integration, including reporting to the Ann Arbor police about a rape with a Somatic Experiencing practicioner in October 2020, that pushed along my progress (at that time Ketamine had hit a plateau, about two dozen sessions in it occurred to me that just going and meditating deeply during heavy dosed sessions might not be the total package of care I needed). I began Ketamine in January 2025 and am still using it, about 30 sessions in.

Back in 2023, I expressed to Barrett Estess that I discovered three things and I was certain all fit my situation to a T. First, the work of Miranda Frinker in Epistemic Injustice while reading Rachel Aviv’s book Strangers to Ourselves. Second, Evan Stark’s work in Coercive Control via Emma Katz work in the field with children and mothers. Third, the article Trauma-coerced attachment: Developing DSM-5′s dissociative disorder “identity disturbance due to prolonged and intense coercive persuasion” in the European Journal of Trauma and Dissociation, June 2023, describing the mechanism by which my dissociation was created and maintained in a deeply accurate way. Barrett reacted in a very odd manner to my confidence and insistance that my then spouse fell under this label, and that my presentation was one of severe coercive controlled. I do not like to operate on stories and narratives, I’ve lived around that too much with the dysfunctional abusers in my life. I try to stick to facts. I cannot say what was in Barrett’s mind but I can say it looked like a defensive posture when he told me that he didn’t feel safe with me, a sentiment he never expressed previously. In fact I’d often ask him if he felt we were a good fit to work together and he’d always answer that he really liked me … Following that phone call, during which I ended the therapy relationship, Barrett sent a text apologizing and stating that he believed my estimate of my ex was correct and that my abuse fell under the coercive control characterization. Barrett’s wife is a smart and successful attorney, who has previously deposed Larry Ellison, whom Barrett stated is a sociopath. Prior to my marriage, I too was an attorney. I reflect on how Barrett, having crossed ethical and professional standards by a mile with my sociopathic/predatory ex that doesn’t seem to pale in severity to any of those we currently see appearing in the news these days, was likely feeling at risk from my discovery due to his communications with my ex and the way he handled so much.

I know this is a long story, but I thought I’d share it in the lead up to stating that this past week I was given the diagnosis of OSDD-2 by this Haven trained private practice clinician. I had passed her the journal article some time ago, along with a bunch of my experiences, via our Simple Practice platform. She took time to go over it and responded this week with a few things. First, that this is already what she diagnoses in a sense (although without an official label). Second, she had never been introduced previously to this DSM diagnosis and that it is not taught in any grad program she is aware of (I can very clearly see that is the case). Third, that she has since passed it along to several clinicians in her circle (she does training) and will continue to. Fourth, that she is labeling/diagnosing me with it formally (yay).

I could write an article titled “The Therapists are Not Alright” and talk in length about the damages so many create. I could also spend my studies in grad school and work in the field solely on severe domestic violence, predatory personalities and specifically the mechanisms of dissociation that result and create OSDD2. Interestingly, I am receiving this diagnosis following largely working through it with immense success almost fully enabled by Ketamine. Ketamine literally has saved me. That and the gifts that I was born with which allowed me to not break in other ways.

I have a beautiful friend with autism and needs to finish the conversation before moving onto another. I switch in the middle of the conversation and go back and forth between the new and old subject Puts her mind in a spiral. And sometimes, I am so far into my new part that I just can’t go back to the other part of me to finish the conversation. I really don’t give a shit because I’m a different part who lacks some empathy. How do we both get our own needs met in this kind of circumstances?

I don’t want to be a dick to her.

I've been suspecting myself of having OSDD for a long time. I'd brought it up with my current psychologist but she's not a specialist in this field. Or to be fair, I didn't really give a good explanation, probably? She regarded it as some sort of 'extreme defense mechanism' when i don't think that was what i was trying to convey at all. Please pardon the stream of thought writing. Honestly, I am writing this in something like panic and my hands are kind of shaking.

A very long time ago I'd "talked" to a 'Seth' in my brain which scared the fuck out of me, so I'd dismissed it as me making it up on my head. But I "talked" to him again and while he didn't say much I feel almost paralyzed with pure terror. He's Seth, he's 14 (*I am not 14) and he has a couple opinions about my favorite manga that we don't share. That last bit of question was kind of stupid but I just wanted to emphasize that he's vaguely different but also not really?? I don't know how to explain this. Maybe I've made him up, I can't be sure, but I asked him a couple questions and it made me afraid because I don't know if I'm going crazy or what. I think I myself am one person, just inconsistent and somewhat fragmented but then how is there a "Seth" talking to me when I'm not him and also him at the same time?

He only really speaks in variations of "I don't knows" and short answers, so that makes me doubt myself even more. Maybe my imagination is just really good and I'm just answering myself but at this point I also don't know who I am. Looking at some of the previous things "I've" done and said "I" know things "I've" done but "I" don't know what kind of mindset "I" was in or 'who' I was in that moment. For example right now I am very sure that I as a person have done and looked into OSDD extensively but right now I can't remember anything about it and/because I'm freaking out. My name should be Vince as everyone knows me by that name. But here and now I don't know if that's even who I am. Honestly I'm panicking right now.

I know I said before that I’m no longer investing my system journey. But I was wondering if other medication affect your system, like does the dissociate decreases, fewer headaches, quiet headspace?

My doctor prescribed me with antidepressants and for some reason I can fully dissociate like I use to. I was thinking I was a system, would the medicine even affect my parts, would they still switch.

So I wanted to ask yall that.

So the past year has been very rough and I find myself dissociating on an almost daily basis lately. I'm always exhausted by it and it's just a constant burden to have to get through the days. I'm really starting to burn out by it.

My problem is that when dissociating I don't come back to "normal" that day. I can start to come down again in my body and reconnect with the tensions and discomforts, along with some feelings of unprocessed anxities, but I seem to go back into dissociating again shortly after. And that loop continues throughout the day. I desperately want to return to my window of tolerance and stay there after dissociating, but I seem to be doing something wrong and can't for now. The only way for now is to wait until bedtime, take my sleeping medication, and try again the next day.

My days are just a constant mess of trying to find a way to be comfortable with returning to my window of tolerance and staying there. I would be so grateful for any advice on this - I'm starting to get deperate for help..

TW: Severe denial, imposter syndrome / fears of faking, clinical distress.

Recently, the idea of having this disorder won't stop spinning in my head. A while ago, I started this strange journey to try and decipher what felt off about me. I went from suspecting simple Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), to Complex PTSD (CPTSD), and now to suspecting OSDD.

I always try to look for scientific backing to support my suspicions, studying the symptoms and their various expressions in the individual. I’ve reviewed the DSM-5 and ICD-11 criteria, read countless testimonies, tried to carefully monitor my internal sensations, and compared the diagnostic criteria with my life history (or what little I can actually remember of it). I even took the DES-II and got a score of 41.1, which is heavily in the clinical range. I've also been reading Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score—great book, by the way).

By saying all this, I don't mean that I'm trying to self-diagnose. Of course, not. I have a psychiatrist treating my ADHD, and I will soon start seeing a clinical psychologist trained in Somatic Experiencing and IFS. I’m just... trying to understand my brain.

And I’m sharing all of this—everything I’ve studied on my own trying to comprehend—because I am TERRIFIED that I’m making things up, or people will think I'm faking it.

Our most radical protector (I have no other way to explain what that voice is, that internal dialogue I hear when I think about this) keeps telling me that they won't believe us. That this new therapist will just look at us and say we just have "a big imagination," that I misinterpreted the symptoms, and that I have no idea what I'm talking about.

It feels exhausting to be this functional on the outside while trying to process a fragmented identity on the inside. I’m just so tired of second-guessing my own reality. Has anyone else dealt with this severe level of denial right before starting specialized therapy?

A lot of the time when I'm talking I'll just naturally refer to myself with "I" pronouns as one typically does but other times I say "we/our" without having to try either.

It's not always weird and there's often reasons for it like in some conversations I'll be referring to myself specifically while others I'm referring to our system as a whole.

The part I'm trying to figure out if it's strange or not is that sometimes I'll switch pronoun usage in the middle of sentences or even text messages and not even realize it until after the fact...

Anyone else do this? It happens regularly without intention and I don't really know why 😅

I am the most sensitive alter in our system and my headmates treat my kindly. But because of how I am I end up interrupting their routines. Yesterday was pretty bad. I got paranoid over something while another alter was fronting. It was slight but that small amount of paranoia caused me to suddenly switch with them and I was completely unprepared. No one else was co-conscious with me, ended up wasting the whole day in bed. My alters are more competent than me at least in how they take care of the body and I do not want to interrupt them. I've read it was not advice-able to force switches but with how things are going I don't think it's good for our body or system to have me be a host or a regular fronter. Like this happens often. I'm guessing it's because I recently experienced trauma and have shown symptoms of ptsd that I keep being forced back in front. We're also a very new system so I'm hoping its early year hiccups.

Like, for real. Is there something like the MID-60 or DES-II with trick questions or something? I've taken both online self reported questionnaires a few times over the last couple years. I don't remember that exact instances of previous results in the past or recall taking the tests (aside from one instance near the beginning of and sort of being in a sort of solemn state of disbelief/denial/shock with a dash of "sense of duty" as I read that results, after which I made the executive decision to quietly exit ((just remembered in revision. I did say goodbye. I gently woke them, let them know I was leaving, brushed their hair back and kissed them behind the ear)) the room of a sleeping friend/romantic fling whom I had been designated driver for that same night. I was going to stay but some things happened earlier in the night that suddenly bothered me and for whatever reason (the reason being I had been suspecting off and on for a couple months at that point). I laid awake for a little while thinking, got out of bed, sat on the floor and took a dissociation questionnaire. I didn't know what the MID 60 or DES II/T were at that time so I don't know if the test I took was decent and I don't remember the exact results. All I know is the results were what I did and didn't expect. Besides the point I guess. Back to it).

I took both the MID-60 and DES-II twice online earlier tonight. Was it twice? No. I took the MID once I think and looked at the results of the time I took in the middle of June (the results were emailed to me). Oh. Wait. I did take it twice. I just did. It was just on a different site and I had to score it myself and I didn't use a calculator to [edit:7/4/26,7:27am-meant to say I didn't use a calculator to add up the initial symptom scores. I DID use the one to divide that sum by 60, got 3.9, knew it would be 39 if multiplied by 10 and then used a calculator to multiply 3.9 by 10 anyway just in case] find the mean [sum*] to divide by 60[to find the mean*] and multiply by 10 [234/60=3.9*10=39, for clarity and an honest and more accurate account of events. And also, I admit i felt embarrassed not correcting myself. One because it would be a lie and a stretch to claim I could quickly divide 234 by 60 in my head without breaking it down a whole bunch and wrestling with the floating numbers in my head for far longer than I even thought to care to try...two, if i had done such a thing with ease, it would mean i suddenly had a math skill i didnt before (the adding alone without writing anything down was more than my brain is usually capable of without getting too tired to hold the numbers in place and i didnt want to exaggerate improvement in a skill i had already noted to myself or let my words continue to mislead. I honestly mispoke. But I noticed the mistake in retelling of events and to leave it felt like a lie)there's a good chance I added the score up wrong since I didn't write anything down. Feeling too lazy to go back and rescore (I'll screen shot it in case I change my mind. One sec. Okay. Might put more effort into that later or I might just throw out the results. Doesn't really matter anyway). Ok. So I've got 3 MID-60 score results, two tests of which were taken tonight and one of which was taken half a month or so ago on the same platform as the one I first used tonight...Goodness. To the point? I think I already said the point at the beginning but whatever.

MID 60 platform#1: 6/15/26[10:43am]=38, 7/3/26[3:33]am=35. Platform#2 (with questionable scoring): 7/3/26 [approx 4:30am? screen shot @ 4:59am. No way I took those two so close together..I'm probably mistaken and reading times wrong or something. Oh well. The score is the point and this one's getting tossed probably]=39.

The variance in score doesn't bother me, nor does the questionable scoring on my part. The thing that bothers me is that when I could rate a symptom with some good ce anrtainty and wasn't "guessing by feel" (answers of which I make a point(?) to [often] take lower a notch for good measure [in case I'm exaggerating] or maybe two points if I can't find a memory to go with the guestimated score based on feeling), and the symptom points happen to be somewhat high, some part of me glad about it, like validated or some giddy satisfaction like that's what they I were was hoping for. I worry that's it's confirmation bias. Like, mirrored confirmation bias or something...Like if I feel fairly certain of my answer but then I feel that gladness about it, I take it down a notch even if I'm certain because I'm not certain but I feel conflicted about that because I could still intentionally mark symptoms as higher than they are with anticipation of taking it down a notch or two and still scoring relatively high but I feel conflicted about that because I feel good and validated and like I'm trying to hard to prove I'm not exaggerating or trying to get a certain result because "see? I have these measures in place and I'm trying really hard to be honest but I feel dishonest about it and it feels performative even though I didn't think that a minute ago and now I'm just typing and I'm going to stop because I only meant to get on here and kind of ask the original question half joking ([insert]because relatable) half not ([insert]because denial/not denial because denial is a symptom and I'm in denial and denial isn't necessarily a symptom of a positive but could also be the result of a default negative due to misreported/exaggerated symptoms and some part of me feels good living with the confirmation bias because I don't know why. Probably for attention or something or because I like being right even though I don't mind being wrong and always prefer to know for certainty if I AM wrong even if it's embarrassing. It suddenly feels very performative again) because I need to see a therapist [to know with enough certainty to tell the difference between the two denials] but I also need to know right now [and part of me believes most mental health professionals aren't qualified to give me an answer or will dismiss my perceived findings outright, be it with good intentioned misplaced reassurance (feels like "don't worry! nobody can even tell you're autistic!) or condescension and dismissal [and unwillingness to even ask me WHY I might be suspecting like our last therapist ("it's so rare though")] without exploring the possibilities with an open mind but I'm deciding to put it away for now but feel free to answer the question anyway even though I...The insert "edits" will go on for days. I want to be done.

For real though. Does anyone know about a dissociative questionnaire or self test I can take online that I can't possibly "cheat" on? I know too much about the symptoms to be sure it's not confirmation bias. Whether it is or isn't, neither answer sits right with me. Confirmation bias implies I WANT it to be true which points to...whatever it's called when someone doesn't have the disorder but finds some comfort in the idea...can't remember what it's called right now...it's on the tip of my tongue like someone is shouting it from the bleachers but I can't quite hear through the churning conversations of the crowd. Impression? Impersonative (is that a word? I don't think so).? Imitative. Thank you. And "imitative" feels embarrassing to me even if it's not intentional because some part of me feels like it's intentionally imitative/performative and some part of me feels embarrassed that I "outed myself" to a select few more than once with absolute insistence and certainty (and took it back more than once too) only to feel like I look like an ablest fool who wants to be "special" (I don't think they think that. I think they think I'm confused or am a chronic "google self diagnoser" who either WANTS to be ill or IS ill but only in wanting to be ill (I HAVE been right about all the other stuff, but that's not really helping with the unease and stupid feelings...more confirmation bias and some "pretentious intellectual ego" shining through)...Anyway. Wtf.

You get the point or you don't. I know there is no such test I can take online. But on the off chance there is, lemme know por favor. Gracias. Adios.

P.S.-Just realized I didn't put DES II results in there (like it matters). Looked through my history to try and find it. Didn't find. Did find descriptions of what it is and how to score it and whether it's the same thing as DES T (basically i think). I did take a few other "tests" but they weren't the mid or des. One was simply called "dissociatve symptoms or someething scoring 70%. okay. done. my dog demands attention.

(edit : I've worded the title a bit weirdly? I'm not angry at her for her not believing me! I'm actually glad she questions what I'm saying and is not instantly saying ''okay yes you indeed have this''. It would be stupid!)

I've been suspecting OSDD seriously since march 2026

I don't feel like i'm the only one in my head, there's a protector, persecutor and host. I don't have BIG amnesia, just a few minutes of "what the heck was i doing right now?".

The protector have been dormant for a month or two and I heard I have to let her rest, but her not being her is "kind of" distressing to me

She was always a calming person.

The persecutor is still there and he scares me, really. Whenever i'm alone he comes, and I don't know if he's me or if he's an alter. He says a lot of horrible things and make me feel horrible (the host). I won't get into details of the kind of thing he does, it's disgusting, really.

I have an approximative idea of how they would look like if they had a body of their own. I can't see things in my mind (I have Aphantasia) so I draw instead!

I kind of have an idea of what our headspace would look like? For me it's kind of like the cafeteria in among us, in the ship! I think about all of us gathering around the table and leaving messages for each other or piloting the ship at the same time!

I have trouble getting my words across as I have autism and social anxiety

I am especially tired right now so I might add more later

I am diagnosed OSDD-1b

I won't even name what it is, that's how much it disgusts most of me's, hands tremble at just trying to type out the name.
(Edit: gee folks, i ain't no criminal, its disgusting but there ain't no law against it)

But is so mentally tiering, when we all remember all of it (since 1b is continuous consciousness), every time that disgusting fucker gets his way.

I hate it so much, we all do. I try to suppress him. But every time he does resurface its just more and more traumatizing.

At times I just shiver in repulse when i remember what he had done, what he made us see, and what he has done when seeing it.

I hate it, its disgusting, i don't want him to like it.

Suppression of any alter is tiering as is already, and its only worse when they traumatize ya every time they surface.

I want him gone so bad

what do i do

how can i stop him

i hate it here

It's new and such a scary feeling..don't know what to say other than that. Doing IFS and Brainspotting therapy luckily. We would love some insight from others that have or are currently dealing with this. Thanks for listening.

So I’m Cherry and I’m basically the girl version of Chester (who is the current host) and I’m basically him but a little more cheerful and colourful 😭 all the other alters are way different so why is it only me and Chester who are so similar? Perhaps we are twins?

— Cherry (she/her)

Hi there, newbie here. I've been in and out of therapy for years, and recently started searching for a therapist again. I'm not asking for any kind of diagnosis, but just an attempt at someone understanding what I'm talking about. I know this post will be long, but please take the time, as I have no one else to safely discuss this with, yet. I stumbled across this sub after researching "parts work" (a close friend of mine who has been in intensive therapy for years, recently started parts work that has been life changing to her, and spoke to me about it. It seemed similar to my experience with these "parts of me", and so I started to research).

Some background context: I have very little memory of my life pre-19 years old. I was subjected to all kinds of abuse from birth, including severe religious trauma. The best way I've described my childhood without having to add any detail has been lightheartedly calling it "a Criminal Minds episode". Anyway.

Since I was in my late teens / early adulthood (I'm nearly 30 now) I always felt like my mind was broken. I'd have periods of time (often triggered by intense stress, CPTSD triggers, arguments, emotional flashbacks, etc) where it didn't feel like I was fully present. That sense of "someone else is driving" could last anywhere from seconds/minutes, to hours/days, at varying intensities. Sometimes it was a "back of my mind" influence when I'm in more of a depression low, coming on so gradually I didn't even notice that I hold these different views and beliefs until the stress builds too far and I end up blowing up. I'm still in control of myself in those situations, but I don't feel like myself.

Other times, it's like a switch flips, so sudden and shocking, happening during times of extreme stress, like if my husband and I are fighting, or if that stress built to a point where one tiny little thing goes wrong and I completely melt down and lose it. These times, if I "tipped over the edge", I wouldn't be able to control myself. Things I said, things I did, things that are beyond embarrassing and shameful to remember (most of which I don't remember the details of, just general pieces of it that stood out as shockingly "not me" behavior). I would forget SO much that could help me in those moments. Years of therapy, building skills, strategies, all of it seemed to poof right out of existence, like I never lived those years and did that work. I wasn't stuck in the past though, I could still remember recent events, but the detail wouldn't be there. The opinions I have towards others, even my moral code and religious beliefs will just suddenly swap into beliefs and opinions I would never have. Sometimes I'm aware of this, I can pull back mentally and see that this "isn't me", and I'll "be back to normal soon", but most of the time, it's such a spectrum and I don't realize I'm "not me" until my husband points it out. Even then, I may not believe it until much later (if I even remember it at all).

But when things are good, and I'm not melting down and feeling like the above ^, I'm a completely different person! Here's what I mean by that:

"Me"

• I feel connected to my friends and family, and can remember their care, kindness, and support, and often look for the good in others.

• I can think logically during conflict and have the drive to communicate respectfully, even when feeling hurt. I can remember therapy skills.

• I can maintain my faith in God and actually remember moments that helped build my faith/love for Him. (Please no debate here, I'm just talking about my beliefs, not trying to push my spirituality on anyone else. Despite the religious trauma, I am still religious, just in a different place/type. I only mention this because my faith is a core pillar of my personality, and the intense contrast in my faith between the "me" and "not me" is significant, and worth mentioning.)

• My CPTSD is largely running in the background, any traumatic memories that do come up feel more distant and less emotionally overwhelming.

• I am naturally empathetic, compassionate, forgiving, and motivated to help others. I believe that everyone deserves respect. That's usually my default.

• I feel hopeful, curious about new things, new experiencs, I'm more energetic, and have a desire to improve myself. I don't want to give up.

• I view conflict as a healthy way to strengthen relationships (obv only healthy conflict).

• I feel worthy and deserving of respect, empathy, and understanding.

"Not Me" - essentially the opposite of everything I listed above

• I feel fundamentally worthless, abandoned, and convinced no one cares about me. Even if you showed me solid proof, I wouldn't be able to believe you.

• I lose access to most positive memories, gratitude for others, therapeutic skills, and my faith/belief in God. It's like they never existed at all. I use much more foul language and don't care.

• I become either emotionally numb or intensely overwhelmed, with extreme anger, cynicism, and hopelessness, believing that everyone in my life hates me and wants to betray/hurt me maliciously. I may become extremely apathetic and cannot handle conflict. Rarely, I will experience passive suicidal thoughts.

• My CPTSD symptoms become much more vivid, frequent, and intrusive. Feels like everything could be a possible trigger.

• I struggle to recognize or care about others' emotions during conflict, even having urges toward toxic emotional aggression. I may even believe that any kind of pain/suffering others experience is deserved.

• I have stronger urges toward destructive behaviors (e.g., self-harm, throwing things, running away), though over many years, I can now actively resist acting on them. It takes a lot of my energy, but I am able to control this part.

• I don't notice this myself, but my husband has said he knows when I'm "not in my right mind" by how my facial features look. He says my eyes specifically look "different".

It's so hard to describe accurately, because when these "episodes" happen, the logical, more "me" me, the one who HAS gone through therapy and has friends, a spouse, a good life, security, etc - that "me" is like, locked away in a little box, with little to no autonomy over my own body.

If anyone remembers the old animated Peter Pan movie, there was a part in the film where Tinkerbell is thrown into and locked in a little glass lantern. She can see everything going on around her, but she can't do anything at all. She bangs and screams on the glass, but she's stuck there. That is EXACTLY how I feel when I'm in these states. I can bang on that glass, screaming, but no matter what, I'm not in the driver's seat. The shame and embarrassment I feel after I'm more calmed down and "myself again" leads me to just bury these moments, in an attempt to ignore them (half the time I don't even remember the details of when I was "not me" anyway, it's either a fog, or just not there), otherwise I'll spiral down into feeling like I'm just some narcissistic faker who wants to be good, but maybe instead, at my core, I'm just a miserable toxic person. Maybe it's not another "part" of me, but just the real me I don't want to face? I don't know.

I want to stay far away from the idea of self-diagnosis, I am not a mental health professional in the slightest, but I want to research more about OSDD/DID and that spectrum, to try and understand if that's what's happening to me, and if it is, which one? I don't have giant blocks of time missing, or regular blackouts, so I doubt I'm dealing with DID. But I can't shake this terrifyingly ominous feeling that the "not me" I feel like sometimes is actually another person entirely. It's been nearly 10 years of trying to ignore this odd concept, and I had a good streak for a while, forgetting about most of this, but I've felt such a back and forth tug between these "people" over the last couple of weeks I can't just ignore it anymore. The thing is, this "not me" doesn't have a look that comes to mind. No name, gender, age, none of that. It's not fully separate, so it can't be a "separate personality", at least to my understanding, but please correct and educate me if I'm wrong. I really need to know why my brain is doing this, or rather *what* it's doing.

Thank you for reading this long ass novel about my screwed up brain, I appreciate your time.

I'm not diagnosed or anything but lately people around me saw differences in me. And I told a counsellor about it and they just didn't talk about it much and just say maybe I lost myself I'm not sure. I don't know if I switch or something but people saw differences of my things and I feel lost. I don't know who I am. And I feel like there difference of me whenever I switch I feel like I'm not myself I lowkey can communicate with them as if like I'm talking to myself but idk I think I'm just going insane or something. I'm unable to get diagnose until I finish my studies because I'm in healthcare and my university and everything does not allow anyone with mental problem to continue studies so for now I'm in really need of help or something because I'm so lost.