The title. I figured out my Littles are the ones that get high, self harm, binge or restrict food, spend money, etc. They really did a number on us yesterday. We almost had to get stitches and our leg hurts real bad. I need to figure out how to help them.

Im so fricken happy, affirmed, and just smart for not being swayed by family who thought I had schizophrenia, friends who ignored my cries for help, and community who dismissed my "states" as explained by "everyone has this." To add: I recognize others disbelief because I cannot comprehend that this is a real avenue for me.

BUT IM DIAGNOSED!!!!! After 5-7 years of shame shattering, trauma ruminating, angry-destrustive, non deserving of goodness, no therapist, hardly medicated, on my damn own F-in help, I HAVE FINALLY FOUND A DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY TRAINED THERAPIST WHO DIAGNOSED ME!!!!!!!!!!!

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!!! To find out that I've had this type of living since 3 or 4 years old.....has helped me not ruminate. Im so thankful for knowing and not thinking im losing it or just exaggerating my experience. im so God damn thankful!!! This has been one of my biggest internal successes. I have found answers, peace, reassurance. I have found knowing in myself; now, I must continue knowing and with guidance from my therapist I hope to be more compassionate in my knowing to myselves, others, and less compassionate for the systems I have been traumatized by....I am determined to make it for those who do not have the benefits that have gotten me thus far to be successful.

God dammit, fuck you and all the people in the guidance office who bullied me. I was right, more than right, I was aware....just not enough. But you were, you all were aware. Shame on you all for watching, mocking, and overall not helping me when I couldn't help myself. Fuck you, and know I'm not going to give up this fight. Even if I help a single person, I will learn to know myself so others can recognize, advocate, and have the place, space, words, and creativity to share their knowing with others.

I'm becoming more aware of how awkward I probably seem looking like I'm thinking of what my name is or looking like I forgot what my name is lately. I had my usual public outing today, now I am a trans person who is trying to help my internal parts agree to a shared name, so we go back and forth between a couple names, but every damn time somebody asks I pause and am so obviously thinking about it. I must look silly to people. I'm a little embarrassed but we are intimidated about using one of our choices. Of course with a bit of time or amnesia I'm sure we will forget which name we used at the time with certain people 😖

Hello all, I hope you’re doing okay. I decided to try to post because I’m really struggling to find appropriate treatment. I have not yet been diagnosed with DID, but out of high suspicion my current treatment team is recommending I try trauma treatment at a higher level of care. I won’t go fully into depth, but I have cycled through hospitals and ED or general PHPs/IOPs for years, and trauma and dissociation is at the heart of it. I am finally at the point where I agree that I need to lock in on this, figure some stuff out, and do the work.

The problem is, I can’t find anywhere to do it. I looked into Wings recovery but they have kind of ghosted me and my team, and I am currently looking into the McLean PHP. There are also long waitlists for any outpatient EMDR/CPT/any trauma modality in my area, though I am getting on those waitlists.

I can go anywhere in the US, I’m at the point where I would travel. I tried to look through this thread to find recommendations but couldn’t, feel free to point me to another post if I missed it. Thank you for reading through my post!

They're all gone. They've been gone for a few months. I miss them so much. I'm starting to think it was never real.

Well, I dont miss them because most of them were quite horrible, but I miss one in particular. She made me feel safe. Also, they're familiar. It doesn't matter if they're bad. They're familiar.

Has this happened to anyone else before? Voices/alters leaving? Will they come back? I heard they come back when you're stressed, but I've been really stressed recently after a traumatic breakup.

Whatever I do, whatever happens in my life, they're not returning. I feel abandoned. She said she'd never abandon me, but she did? Was it real? Of course, nobody here can answer that, but have you ever wondered if it was real?

Only thing ill ever post on here because the online community sucks but i cannot find anything on this

Heads up this sounds fucking insane:

I fear i have been misleading everyone (unintentionally) about our system, i dont feel like they are real i have some semblance of control over my switches (no trauma processing here lol) and i know almost too much about each alter being a year in without trauma processing.

But in every single DES and Mini MID i take i score high in dissociation. Even when I actively choose lower scores to see if i am malingering my symptoms.

So is it possible that perhaps i am making up a “fake” system thats easier for my brain to handle than actually seeing my real system? I do feel like i have extreme dissociation and i DEFINITELY have DPDR along with the “required” trauma.

Another thing is every time i see my inner space it switches from a clean environment to a fucking dirty ass environment. And it feels like the dirty space is hidden underneath a clean like hologram? Thats not the word but it is 3 am and we are exhausted

edit: my t believes “if i believe it its true” which doesnt work for me. She makes me feel like an endogenic. I have taken psych tests WITH a psych that say yes i have dissociation. Not asking for a diagnosis i am asking if it is possible to hide a system under a fake one.

So were having a bit of an issue, its been like 7+ months and idk what to do for an external identity how like family and dr offices and stuff where its not really relevant to mention I have OSDD.

I was out as a Trans guy for 9+ years then we had a female host take over, but now everyone knows me differently and then I get questions about detransitioning like dawg im still here 😭 theres just more or us and I dont host anymore that much

We're all so separate though, it genuinely feels like completely other people independent of me, and a lot of them are very aggressive about having their own identities

Heres the weird kicker- I have trauma involving someone with they/them pronouns and my brain instantly gets triggered if its used for a single being, which i know is a me issue but the trauma was REALLY bad, so they them wouldn't work, and we dont like using a single alters name otherwise it makes anyone else who could be fronting linda uncomfortable and its confusing 😭 idk it feels really stupid i hope it doesnt offend anyone its just how my brain correlates stuff.

I guess, does anyone have any good ideas or share what we prks for you?? Alter dysphoria is very VERY weird

I've only had a few times where my alters front, but I remember everything they did, and I'm also entirely sure it wasn't me.
Like when my youngest fronted (8 years old) and my mom got mad at her for not doing something, she got so scared she literally shrank into a ball, she was also not used to having my body at all. Then, when another alter fronted and had a conversation with my best friend online.
I can remember every thought she had and every move she made. Also, when they front, I can still see everything they're doing, and I'm still present.
I'm confused, is this a thing?

Preface

So as a preface, we heard about maladaptive daydreaming. But we're questioning whether our daydreaming is moreso of a part that tries to comfort themselves or is playing fake traumatic daydreams due to distress. Or whether these are multiple parts that communicate through our daydreams? I can't start/stop these daydreams myself often.

We know our suspected OSDD is not daydreaming as it extends way beyond a daydream.

Kaylee's ones are the most interesting of all our daydreams. We have memory of them. And while we can daydream about the same things, it's not at the same intensity as how we experience it when she's near the front. Sometimes we find her daydreams relate to things we might be working on or have learnt.

We're unable to seek professional aid at the moment, but we really hope to... suspecting.

Kaylee [TW, multiple]

Kaylee (little; teen) only comes to the front when parents argue, or every night... She has distinct tastes to the rest of us — dark folk music, unsettling art, her own style of art and writing. She sometimes leaves the body nauseous and fuzzy.

Her daydreams always make the body yawn constantly (?), sometimes tears too.

Kaylee daydreams a repeated daydream setting. With slightly varied stories. To keep it brief as it is most definitely unsettling, she daydreams we and others are held hostage.

Sometimes, a person or people get severely harmed, and I/she/the body gets up, and following the songs she listens to, a few things can happen: we revive the people or the enemies are held down in some manner before reviving the people; or we cry out for aid and another scene unfolds.

When we had a SI part in January show up, we/she daydreamed a person wanted to harm themselves in the setting. And we got up and helped them get safe and grounded. Again, the body irl was left yawning and crying.

When we were trying to understand our repulsion to intimacy, we noticed her daydreams had material related to what we looked into or read. But they felt really up close. We saved them in all the daydreams and (in the daydreams) Kaylee asked for a comforter to handle the soothing of those who were harmed.

Daily Daydreams (part concerns, thought spirals?)

We get to some state during the day where things get hard to settle. We follow some exteroceptive grounding techniques given by a commenter before, squeezing each finger while name them, squeeze our left arm and noticing the difference between left and right. And that seems to help a lot.

We can sit for an hour and just figure things out. What we're going to say for a particular situation, what will happen and the steps we will have to go through.

This is different from communication we feel. These are like monologues (I assume?) With communication, there's a sense of presence in the front with another thought content.

The daydreams we do have the day goes, are few. But if I do get them, they are fantasy, with complete locations, etc.

Conclusion

I'm sorry for this long post, but this is something we've being thinking about these past days. We hope everyone had a more than okay week and sending hugs 🤗❤️

Hi guys, I'm 27FtM and just got diagnosed this morning. I also have depression, anxiety, CPTSD, and autism. I just feel so weird and don't know what to think, and I'm wondering if anyone has resources where I could learn more. In a weird way this is really validating and I'm glad it happened, but I'm also lowkey suicidal because there are so many things wrong with me.

I also have a question. I've been lurking a bit and find that a lot of people here refer to themselves as a collective "we." Is my diagnosis still valid if I've never done that? I don't even know if I have alters, the closest thing I can think of is that I have a second inner monologue that isn't always under my control.

Thanks everyone.

Not fishing for a diagnosis

Okay so boom!

I had heard about DID/OSDD years ago and brushed it off as just something interesting but that it could never be me. Due to a psychology class I had to choose something from the dsm-5 to write about and passed by OSDD again. While I choose Autism as the topic for my paper something just stuck with me about osdd. I began to notice signs from through the years and that it would kinda make sense. (Traumatic childhood disorganized attachment to my caregivers, much of my memory especially around my younger years is practically semi-blurry snapshots, sometimes referring to myself as we, dissasociation or 'in my own world' as a family member has said, derealization. Having very little clear mental idea of myself, sometimes looking in the mirror and knowing that the person in the mirror was me but also a semi disconnect or an oddness.)

Due to anxiety ive always had a *very* loud mental space so most times I drowd it out with music and stuff but recently ive decided to try and listen maybe even reach out to see if anyone was there untill I could get back with a mental professional.

Since ive started trying to talk and connect....... I think I may have gotten an answer. The voices sound similar to mine but different in some ways but its as if im only catching parts through a wall. My anxiety says I made the voices up myself.

A large part of me is scared I'm just making this up and being dramatic but lately as ive been learning to drive (abit late to the party I know) ive been having trouble with persistent dissassociating that ive been having to purposefully 'fight off' (another reason for my suspicions)

So....... Idk man....

So I yeah broke up, 2.5 year long distance, but its like he never existed. Its freaking me out. I'm not sad not angry it's like it never happened. I was emotional building up to breaking it off but now. Nothing. How do I even handle dating? Is a different part of me sad, is this one all business and heartless? It's very confusing

Ive told friends, (NA) sponsors, even a therapist...

I strongly feel its the right thing to do in order to relieve some of my alienation, explain some of my behavior (regarding substance abuse) and potentially confront my abuser in the safest way possible, as he has proven himself to be a violent man in the past. When i believe/remember/am pretty positive happened: confronted him previously as a early teenager. Well after the abuse had stopped then, and certainly well after the abuse has stopped now years later as im on the cusp of my 20s.

Im skeptical that a case could even be built on him. And defense attorneys would eat my amnesia right up. They're most likely other victims if i were to guess.. so maybe.

The truth is whatever horrors i was exposed to when i was young present themselves in so many ways that I don't even know where to put it, in regards to specifics. I have reoccurring scenes, faces, ideas, emotions, sexual and bloody imagery. But its all a fog being completely honest. Im willing to say something definitely did happen.

was my dad involved. Should i tell my mother that i suspect him? This is the direction God is pushing me in. But i need some support. Cuz I do suspect him, thats MY TRUTH and it kills me every day living with him. I tell her, and everything goes up in fire. Whose going to make it out of the house alive kinda thing.

I have a new therapist that I'm talking to. I have not shared many things yet, she just knows I have depression. I am confused about her saying my "authentic self." She says an authentic self is doing something you want to do, without worrying what others think. She said you can still accommodate others to be polite but if you stay in your authentic self it feels like you're still you, not a person who is faking your authenticity.

What does this mean? Maybe I am over thinking. It feels like I won't know how to be without a social context if that makes sense.

Hey everyone
So, I have got about 13 alters in my system, but the thing is, they’re not always (all) around.
There are definitely times when I'm completely alone in my head, especially when I get into hyperfocus.
There are also times when I'm only with one or two of them in my system, like when I'm out to do something or at work.
I haven’t been diagnosed yet—I’m still waiting for that—so I’m not sure if I can really call them "alters."
They’re not just random thoughts, though; each one has a name and a distinct personality from my own.
(I think it's important to mention here that they don't front)
Most of them are characters from a game/series I watched, so their voices are super clear to me, and I can tell when they’re talking or doing their own thing.
But as I said, they're not always in my system.
So, do you guys think they're still considered alters?

So basically when I( particular alter ) am out , I'm very expressive about my opinions buttt I often come across the situation where another alter has already expressed a completely different and opposing opinion about the same topic and till now I hv awkwardly played it off but I want to know how to basically survive in a body with parts with opposing opinions wrt social life , maybe I'm asking how to mask better ?? Idk would love to hear more opinions on the situation

I don't know which alter I am atm. It's so annoying and frustrating

I just got told by this girl I was considering dating that she didn’t think she’d be able to deal with DID dating wise and I just feel hurt. Like I appreciate her honesty but like idk I wish it were easier. Like I get it’s a lot but still.

So idk how soon do I mention it to people I meet on the apps?

I don’t want to keep getting hurt.
She told me this today and my ex broke up with me a few years ago cuz of my trauma.
(I’ve worked on things since then)

What are your guys thoughts?

Well, I took the SCID-D today. About 3 hours. Psychologist said I dont have DID, but I do have partial DID. Also said it'd be 6-8 weeks before he fills out the report.

Just having trouble processing it. I mean I thought I wanted this diagnosis, to feel validated. But now it feels very real (ive thought I was faking it the whole time), I've felt numb and a sense of dread all day.

Wondering if I can process it now, or if i should wait for the official paperwork. Just waiting 2 months seems daunting. Ive been wanting to switch from my general therapist to a CDD specialist, but I dont want to get ahead of myself.

Is the psychologist saying it enough?