Finally received an OSDD-2 Diagnosis
Some background … I’ve been at this for about 6.5 years. I looked like I had strong signs of DID for quite some time. I have a very good sense of myself and a very strongly developed subject-object approach to seeing myself. Incredibly high metacognition and ability to self examine and grow quickly using tools that would be classified under the contemplative arts, yogic philosophy and responsible spirituality (a lot of spiritual environments can be very harmful). Autopsychotherapy (Debrowski’s work) works very well for me. Traditional therapy has not just been largely ineffective, it has harmed me to a degree that I could have never envisioned, left me in a horrific spot. I have been accurately labeled as PG (profoundly gifted) by two credibly clinicians (one with over four decades of working intimately with moderately to profoundly gifted individuals of all ages). In this time frame, I used a ton of cannabis (which was initially pushed on me by my abuser as I began to try to get away from his control) over the years and am so thankful to be off that addiction (wildly difficult to break). I was being diagnosed while both being in a state of chronic heavy cannabis use AND while being immersed in an INESCAPABLE abusive environment (described by my doctor as torture) that are beyond the comprehension of most people in my very privledged community/circle, where my life was continually under mortal threat. Both of those situations, in my very strong opinion, should give pause to the diagnosing clinician, who ahoupd not be moving quickly to a diagnosis. Additionally, I was working with clinicians who grossly lacked knowledge of severe domestic abuse. And the clinicians who worked with me on trauma exploration were not trained in my neurodivergence - being PG places me at five standard deviations beyond the norm. Being PG, I will maintain, is a massive asset and has given me gifts to stay alive and allowed my mind to remain in tact and not break. However, it is dangerous to work with those that do not understand this way of being … as I assume with other neurodivergences, misdiagnosing is a very likely scenario.
It took an immense amount of effort to escape my spouse. I had no one I could really rely on to assist for the most part (my monstrous mother has what one clinician called “a wildly weird enmeshed relationship with my ex”) and I had one particular clinician that frequently spoke to my now ex, an ex who would fully meet the criteria of the framework of a Persistent Predatory Personality by Dr. Karen Mitchell (her work is a game changer in the field). This clinician is Barette Estess out of Santa Fe, NM. Any work with this man for those that have abuse in their lives should be proceed with extreme caution. He was violating not just the rules of ethics for his profession but also committed violations for which he could be held legally liable. I believe he operated out of good intentions, but extreme ignorance. So much so that I question whether he should have his license revoked, not be in practice, without a significant amount of work to remedy his practices and understanding.
I finally was able to achieve a divorce 4.5 years into this journey, after nearly twenty years of marriage. However, to my shock, after loosening the legal bonds of my ex over me I still found myself in a terrible state, with him still able to exert control and terror over me (it is clear that society doesn’t understand severe coercive control, domestic violence and this ignorance is reflected in the institutions purporting to keep us safe). After the divorce, my mind was FULLY trapped in it still. In an attempt to use body centered work, I found a clinician trained through the U of Michigan who seemed naturally attuned to her field. She departed on maternity leave and placed me with a clinician named Beth Chapman, also out of Michigan’s MSW program, due to the believe I had DID. Beth was terrible but not harmful in the ways Barrett was. Accomplished nothing and brought me up to 4x/week out-of-pocket! I spent the price of a car with her in a pretty short period. I eventually asked to take MID-218. Beth was really difficult to deal with after the results came in. She said it showed I was nowhere near having DID and she proceeded to question if I answered truthfully and stated that she had a long waitlist of clients “who actually need help”. I departed from her, gaining nothing but debt due to literally spending every penny I took in through alimony and child support during my months with her. The financial situation I have created through my entire journey has placed me in a situation where, from a practical and logical sense, I was frequently considering suicide over the last two years, including researching the program in Cananda through physician assistance to accomplish such. My financial situation is the worst it’s ever been but now I feel I can work through anything and have very recently found myself thinking much less about such.
What did change everything was KETAMINE. I can’t overstate how it was THE game changer. I am happy to answer questions regarding what it gave me, that no other work could.
In the process of using Ketamune with an ER trained physician who has an amazing ability to empathize and provide a relational setting that was unmatched by any of my several clinicians in therapy previously, I decided to try therapy again, this time using a clinician through insurance. This clinician had two graduate level degrees relevant to delivering therapy, one from NYU and one from UC San Diego. In no way do I want condemn her, as I think she exhibited wonderful dispositions of curiosity and tried to be relationally attuned. However, talk therapy was not useful and, unlike other therapists who for the most part continued to keep me on when it was not working, she expressed a concern over the lack of progress and questioned whether we should continue together. She was ethical and professional, attributes that I have seen lacking in many clinician partnerships I previously had. We parted ways due to it not being effective to date, paired with my insurance ending. I asked her about her impressions of Michigan trained clinicians and she said “terrible”. This matched my experience (I had a total of three from the program). I asked her about Wayne State and Oakland U clinicians and she had detailed and becoming comments about those she had worked with from there. Years ago I knew I wanted to move into social work or counseling as a profession, that it’s an exceptional fit for me. Although I graduated in the nineties from Michgan and was aware that for a long time U of M has been listed as the number one school in the national in Social Work, I have realized that being a clinician in this field is not about schooling but rather the natural fit and dispositions of the individual. Years ago, I saw a quote out of a social work program in London that I will never forget. It was something like, social work is the easiest job to do poorly and the most difficult job to do well.
Just before I ended my relationship with that above clinician, the one on insurance, I intersected with a clinician who studied counseling out of Oakland University after reconnecting with the domestic abuse services of Haven in Pontiac, Michigan. I had previously received individual counseling there, as well as in-person group work. I was in such a state at that time where I couldn’t keep so much of my life straight and ended up missing enough sessions that I was removed from the individual counseling program, understandably. I live in one of the wealthiest communities in the nation/world, in a county of immense privledge and heavy population. Despite that, there is only one facility deeply fit to house and provide services to DV victims in Oakland County. I rejoined the program as a group participant. The waitlist for individual sessions for both myself and my children (who need help and I can finally feel safe enough to get it for them - before I was convinced their dad was too risky and I’d end up dead if I tried) had a waitlist way too long. I was instructed to look through a list of private clinicians that Haven suggested to use to find help. This time, one of the clinicians from the list who was going on maternity leave was abundantly helpful. She suggested a clinician, not on the list, but trained and skilled in domestic violence. I was seeking help for my daughter at that time. In talking to this Oakland U and Haven trained clinician, I realized I wanted to talk to her myself. We have only met about eight times. However, with an immense amount of work on my own via my skills and practices in autopsychotherapy, a new way of showing up for myself totally propelled by the magic of ketamine, and the wonderful dispositions she approached me with (strong curiosity, respect for the boundaries I was able to show, a perspective that came from training in working with giftedness, and her wonderful training at Haven), I am doing great. I do not NEED therapy but I recognize it as a useful tool/journey/augmentation/complement to ketamine that motivates me to find the funds to support work with her. I’ll share that it was ketamine WITH an ATTUNED DOCTOR, whom I vibe with very well, that did the trick. It was also realizing that I needed to take steps of integration, including reporting to the Ann Arbor police about a rape with a Somatic Experiencing practicioner in October 2020, that pushed along my progress (at that time Ketamine had hit a plateau, about two dozen sessions in it occurred to me that just going and meditating deeply during heavy dosed sessions might not be the total package of care I needed). I began Ketamine in January 2025 and am still using it, about 30 sessions in.
Back in 2023, I expressed to Barrett Estess that I discovered three things and I was certain all fit my situation to a T. First, the work of Miranda Frinker in Epistemic Injustice while reading Rachel Aviv’s book Strangers to Ourselves. Second, Evan Stark’s work in Coercive Control via Emma Katz work in the field with children and mothers. Third, the article Trauma-coerced attachment: Developing DSM-5′s dissociative disorder “identity disturbance due to prolonged and intense coercive persuasion” in the European Journal of Trauma and Dissociation, June 2023, describing the mechanism by which my dissociation was created and maintained in a deeply accurate way. Barrett reacted in a very odd manner to my confidence and insistance that my then spouse fell under this label, and that my presentation was one of severe coercive controlled. I do not like to operate on stories and narratives, I’ve lived around that too much with the dysfunctional abusers in my life. I try to stick to facts. I cannot say what was in Barrett’s mind but I can say it looked like a defensive posture when he told me that he didn’t feel safe with me, a sentiment he never expressed previously. In fact I’d often ask him if he felt we were a good fit to work together and he’d always answer that he really liked me … Following that phone call, during which I ended the therapy relationship, Barrett sent a text apologizing and stating that he believed my estimate of my ex was correct and that my abuse fell under the coercive control characterization. Barrett’s wife is a smart and successful attorney, who has previously deposed Larry Ellison, whom Barrett stated is a sociopath. Prior to my marriage, I too was an attorney. I reflect on how Barrett, having crossed ethical and professional standards by a mile with my sociopathic/predatory ex that doesn’t seem to pale in severity to any of those we currently see appearing in the news these days, was likely feeling at risk from my discovery due to his communications with my ex and the way he handled so much.
I know this is a long story, but I thought I’d share it in the lead up to stating that this past week I was given the diagnosis of OSDD-2 by this Haven trained private practice clinician. I had passed her the journal article some time ago, along with a bunch of my experiences, via our Simple Practice platform. She took time to go over it and responded this week with a few things. First, that this is already what she diagnoses in a sense (although without an official label). Second, she had never been introduced previously to this DSM diagnosis and that it is not taught in any grad program she is aware of (I can very clearly see that is the case). Third, that she has since passed it along to several clinicians in her circle (she does training) and will continue to. Fourth, that she is labeling/diagnosing me with it formally (yay).
I could write an article titled “The Therapists are Not Alright” and talk in length about the damages so many create. I could also spend my studies in grad school and work in the field solely on severe domestic violence, predatory personalities and specifically the mechanisms of dissociation that result and create OSDD2. Interestingly, I am receiving this diagnosis following largely working through it with immense success almost fully enabled by Ketamine. Ketamine literally has saved me. That and the gifts that I was born with which allowed me to not break in other ways.