u/shattered_Diamond__

I know I said before that I’m no longer investing my system journey. But I was wondering if other medication affect your system, like does the dissociate decreases, fewer headaches, quiet headspace?

My doctor prescribed me with antidepressants and for some reason I can fully dissociate like I use to. I was thinking I was a system, would the medicine even affect my parts, would they still switch.

So I wanted to ask yall that.

I went to another appointment today. I told them I had tremors and I heard voices again. Especially one of them yelling at me saying another person or voice was calling them a Mother f***** B***. And I told that voice to shut up because she was so loud.

So my doctor said that was normal when entering and exit sleep, also with anxiety.

I even tell them how I hear and see certain people in dreams and how in the past I struggled with traumatic dreams.

They said that’s normal for people with ptsd and it should go away with meds.

I asked them 3 times before to speak to therapist and they haven’t done anything? I’m calling out for multiple therapist and I haven’t heard anything. Why can’t I get the help I need.

But anyways this was more proof for myself that my “parts” arnt real and I got the true answer from my doctor.

I’m trying to heal but it still feels like something is missing… like talk therapy and or ANY therapy. I feel like I’m holding so much in, and people don’t have time nor patience for me to vent….

I feel like I’m gonna die some day…

This is a goodbye to my (selves)

I realize my experience is not enough to prove to myself that I have parts and a dissociative disorder. My self investigation is over, I believe I can never be satisfied with my experience or to stop having denial every day.

In that case I definitely don’t have it, I still have no therapist, and my psychiatrist and physician feels like things are not severe… so maybe they’re right.

This morning I told myself that I don’t have parts and I never did, and after that I felt a bit lighter, like headaches and head pressure gone, feeling dissociated or disoriented gone. That must have been a sigh that I’ve been stressing trying to see what was wrong with me.

Even though it still hurts, because I felt as though I was getting to know more about myself with these “parts” but for it to not be real for me… kind of makes me feel as though I was in my head the whole time or gaslighting myself. I guess it was truly just Anxiety and depression.

Welp… 🤷🏾‍♀️

Like even when we go see the psychiatrist, I feel scared to explain what’s really going on, because I feel as though they’ll just shun me.

All they say now is that it’s ptsd, depression, and some anxiety. I’m also afraid that they might contact my mother and I don’t want her to know I’m seeing someone for help.

Also I immediately go into auto pilot when out in public, and don’t know what questions to ask nor the things I should bring up… (basically I’m not good at appointments.

Like we seem to hide what’s going on, because we are scared for the end of the world effect.

Also even when hanging out with friends and one might match with one of my parts, it like now we are hesitant to match because the other friends might notice something and we’ll loose them, and my other parts would be devastated. (Having different genres and vibes of friends)

I don’t want to go to the details, but I’m a young adult who doesn’t have a best friend nor close friend. I’m technically everyone’s NPC friend or back up friend. My parents hate me and wants to move on. I hate myself..

I annoy my family I live with, I annoy coworkers and mangers for being inexperience and the quiet one with everyone, who deals with depression, dissociation and somewhat emotional dysregulation. I’m not a perfect daughter, sister, worker, and friend.

Oops I forgot no one‘s perfect, I mean I’m not a good daughter, sister, worker and friend

I think about suicide almost every week, plus been thinking about it since elementary school, and finally going to see the doctor about it, but they’re not interested in saving my life— I mean helping me. Probably because I’m bla—

I feel like everyone wants me to di— or hates me.. yeah… like they all played a poll, agreeing that I’m the most hated person. (Which I know that’s not true but… my brain is making me feel that way)

Self hatred is really bad, I feel really numb, and stuff.

I dealt with emotional and someone physical abuse…. I guess… (I’m not the victim, I feel as though I deserved every part of my mental and emotional suffering)

I feel as though there’s different mes in my head, and part of me thinks we shall just expire to end suffering (she’s locked up)

It’s literally 1 am, I just wanted to vent because thinking about this alone hurts my brain and is tiresome.

Ok Gn (I’ll be normal literally tomorrow like nothing happened… plus emotional amnesia)

They asked questions I give them answers, they only say take vitamins. Nothing changed, now I’m starting to doubt and feel as though I just need vitamins to help me sleep.

Like it’s not helping me with thought, memory nor moods.

I’m new to this whole psychiatric/mental support thingy… like what do I do now? They haven’t even given me a diagnosis… it’s been a month and things feel the same, maybe worse.

I haven’t even told them my suspicions for osdd or any dissociative disorder, but I did tell them I dissociate and been struggling with tremors or dissociative seizure (if that) and still nothing….

I feel like parts of me are counting down THE DEADLINE…. (Which normally doesn’t do anything, but these sui***al thoughts and urges are too much.

Am I just impatient as a new patient?