sometimes I feel like I'm trapped inside, watching my body act on its own. recently learned about OSDD/DID, and feel so lost yet so seen? wtf?
Hi there, newbie here. I've been in and out of therapy for years, and recently started searching for a therapist again. I'm not asking for any kind of diagnosis, but just an attempt at someone understanding what I'm talking about. I know this post will be long, but please take the time, as I have no one else to safely discuss this with, yet. I stumbled across this sub after researching "parts work" (a close friend of mine who has been in intensive therapy for years, recently started parts work that has been life changing to her, and spoke to me about it. It seemed similar to my experience with these "parts of me", and so I started to research).
Some background context: I have very little memory of my life pre-19 years old. I was subjected to all kinds of abuse from birth, including severe religious trauma. The best way I've described my childhood without having to add any detail has been lightheartedly calling it "a Criminal Minds episode". Anyway.
Since I was in my late teens / early adulthood (I'm nearly 30 now) I always felt like my mind was broken. I'd have periods of time (often triggered by intense stress, CPTSD triggers, arguments, emotional flashbacks, etc) where it didn't feel like I was fully present. That sense of "someone else is driving" could last anywhere from seconds/minutes, to hours/days, at varying intensities. Sometimes it was a "back of my mind" influence when I'm in more of a depression low, coming on so gradually I didn't even notice that I hold these different views and beliefs until the stress builds too far and I end up blowing up. I'm still in control of myself in those situations, but I don't feel like myself.
Other times, it's like a switch flips, so sudden and shocking, happening during times of extreme stress, like if my husband and I are fighting, or if that stress built to a point where one tiny little thing goes wrong and I completely melt down and lose it. These times, if I "tipped over the edge", I wouldn't be able to control myself. Things I said, things I did, things that are beyond embarrassing and shameful to remember (most of which I don't remember the details of, just general pieces of it that stood out as shockingly "not me" behavior). I would forget SO much that could help me in those moments. Years of therapy, building skills, strategies, all of it seemed to poof right out of existence, like I never lived those years and did that work. I wasn't stuck in the past though, I could still remember recent events, but the detail wouldn't be there. The opinions I have towards others, even my moral code and religious beliefs will just suddenly swap into beliefs and opinions I would never have. Sometimes I'm aware of this, I can pull back mentally and see that this "isn't me", and I'll "be back to normal soon", but most of the time, it's such a spectrum and I don't realize I'm "not me" until my husband points it out. Even then, I may not believe it until much later (if I even remember it at all).
But when things are good, and I'm not melting down and feeling like the above ^, I'm a completely different person! Here's what I mean by that:
"Me"
• I feel connected to my friends and family, and can remember their care, kindness, and support, and often look for the good in others.
• I can think logically during conflict and have the drive to communicate respectfully, even when feeling hurt. I can remember therapy skills.
• I can maintain my faith in God and actually remember moments that helped build my faith/love for Him. (Please no debate here, I'm just talking about my beliefs, not trying to push my spirituality on anyone else. Despite the religious trauma, I am still religious, just in a different place/type. I only mention this because my faith is a core pillar of my personality, and the intense contrast in my faith between the "me" and "not me" is significant, and worth mentioning.)
• My CPTSD is largely running in the background, any traumatic memories that do come up feel more distant and less emotionally overwhelming.
• I am naturally empathetic, compassionate, forgiving, and motivated to help others. I believe that everyone deserves respect. That's usually my default.
• I feel hopeful, curious about new things, new experiencs, I'm more energetic, and have a desire to improve myself. I don't want to give up.
• I view conflict as a healthy way to strengthen relationships (obv only healthy conflict).
• I feel worthy and deserving of respect, empathy, and understanding.
"Not Me" - essentially the opposite of everything I listed above
• I feel fundamentally worthless, abandoned, and convinced no one cares about me. Even if you showed me solid proof, I wouldn't be able to believe you.
• I lose access to most positive memories, gratitude for others, therapeutic skills, and my faith/belief in God. It's like they never existed at all. I use much more foul language and don't care.
• I become either emotionally numb or intensely overwhelmed, with extreme anger, cynicism, and hopelessness, believing that everyone in my life hates me and wants to betray/hurt me maliciously. I may become extremely apathetic and cannot handle conflict. Rarely, I will experience passive suicidal thoughts.
• My CPTSD symptoms become much more vivid, frequent, and intrusive. Feels like everything could be a possible trigger.
• I struggle to recognize or care about others' emotions during conflict, even having urges toward toxic emotional aggression. I may even believe that any kind of pain/suffering others experience is deserved.
• I have stronger urges toward destructive behaviors (e.g., self-harm, throwing things, running away), though over many years, I can now actively resist acting on them. It takes a lot of my energy, but I am able to control this part.
• I don't notice this myself, but my husband has said he knows when I'm "not in my right mind" by how my facial features look. He says my eyes specifically look "different".
It's so hard to describe accurately, because when these "episodes" happen, the logical, more "me" me, the one who HAS gone through therapy and has friends, a spouse, a good life, security, etc - that "me" is like, locked away in a little box, with little to no autonomy over my own body.
If anyone remembers the old animated Peter Pan movie, there was a part in the film where Tinkerbell is thrown into and locked in a little glass lantern. She can see everything going on around her, but she can't do anything at all. She bangs and screams on the glass, but she's stuck there. That is EXACTLY how I feel when I'm in these states. I can bang on that glass, screaming, but no matter what, I'm not in the driver's seat. The shame and embarrassment I feel after I'm more calmed down and "myself again" leads me to just bury these moments, in an attempt to ignore them (half the time I don't even remember the details of when I was "not me" anyway, it's either a fog, or just not there), otherwise I'll spiral down into feeling like I'm just some narcissistic faker who wants to be good, but maybe instead, at my core, I'm just a miserable toxic person. Maybe it's not another "part" of me, but just the real me I don't want to face? I don't know.
I want to stay far away from the idea of self-diagnosis, I am not a mental health professional in the slightest, but I want to research more about OSDD/DID and that spectrum, to try and understand if that's what's happening to me, and if it is, which one? I don't have giant blocks of time missing, or regular blackouts, so I doubt I'm dealing with DID. But I can't shake this terrifyingly ominous feeling that the "not me" I feel like sometimes is actually another person entirely. It's been nearly 10 years of trying to ignore this odd concept, and I had a good streak for a while, forgetting about most of this, but I've felt such a back and forth tug between these "people" over the last couple of weeks I can't just ignore it anymore. The thing is, this "not me" doesn't have a look that comes to mind. No name, gender, age, none of that. It's not fully separate, so it can't be a "separate personality", at least to my understanding, but please correct and educate me if I'm wrong. I really need to know why my brain is doing this, or rather *what* it's doing.
Thank you for reading this long ass novel about my screwed up brain, I appreciate your time.