u/gothics4734

Yea that’s really it. Im a therapist - I remember and could basically recite entire sessions with my clients. It’s weird to me that I legitimately can’t remember what I did in my own therapy session- I do struggle with denial- so this seems like the most clear case of amnesia I’ve ever experienced, which makes it extra jarring….Bc I know I went and I know it was helpful- but I don’t remember what we talked about or why I felt better after. This is the second time this happened.I had to ask her what we did in the last session at the beginning of the most recent session- I kind of remembered when she told me but honestly it didn’t jog my memory like you would think be reminded of the main points would.

I did recently start with her (3 months) and she is an excellent therapist and we are doing good work. This ever happen to any of you?

I think a combination of living in the closet till I was 20 and not being dx AuDHD till I was 40 as well being great at sports (partially bc of ability to hyper focus/special interest and ability recognize patterns to see plays developing) - which led me deep into sports/fitness culture (recruited D1) - think “suck it up”/ “no pain no gain” type messages created very aggressive parts around masking, perfectionism, achievement and suffering tolerance.

after AuDHD dx I started to “unmask” a little and those parts who have been in charge did not like that at all- there was quite the battle but those militant parts (really only one I’m aware of) used some old mechanisms (other parts?) to jam any budding semblance of an “unmasked” version of me way deep down back into its jail.

Someone on an autism sub said masking can affect a persons development similar to how someone living in cult might be affected and that resonated with me. I very much got messages that I was “too much” and learned real quick how not to be (dissociate) … anyone relate to this ?? I think between forcing myself to be straight for half my life and forcing myself to appear to neurotypical and forcing myself to endure physical and mental suffering in sports did a number on me. Took 40 years to figure out why I look like such a traumatized person when I never suffered any physical or sexual abuse. I did have 6 months of terrible infant colic (also consistent with neurodivergence)

Anyone else?

Since being diagnosed AuDHD I have aggressively hyper fixated on Autism- I read/listened to 5 books on it last month - I also realized I’m way smarter than I ever gave myself credit for I believe I may be 2e-someone else posted in this sub about posting walls of text and getting no response and I relate so hard to that.

I am having so much trouble containing the autism now that it’s out - I had a meltdown yesterday related to being invalidated (not by my friends but I know I was annoying friends by texting too much about all my new realizations.

During my meltdown I left the group chat and blocked them all- the haven’t done anything wrong. I just know I can’t stop being annoying and this is the only way I know how to contain it while I’m going through this.

My wife is pregnant (I’m gay) due the 9th - I feel like I have to withdrawal and lock in for this baby- I have to go back to aggressively dissociating away urges to “be autistic”

Anyone else have super strong urges to “disappear” from others lives so you won’t be “annoying” ?