Struggling with denial and the terror of "faking it"
TW: Severe denial, imposter syndrome / fears of faking, clinical distress.
Recently, the idea of having this disorder won't stop spinning in my head. A while ago, I started this strange journey to try and decipher what felt off about me. I went from suspecting simple Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), to Complex PTSD (CPTSD), and now to suspecting OSDD.
I always try to look for scientific backing to support my suspicions, studying the symptoms and their various expressions in the individual. I’ve reviewed the DSM-5 and ICD-11 criteria, read countless testimonies, tried to carefully monitor my internal sensations, and compared the diagnostic criteria with my life history (or what little I can actually remember of it). I even took the DES-II and got a score of 41.1, which is heavily in the clinical range. I've also been reading Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score—great book, by the way).
By saying all this, I don't mean that I'm trying to self-diagnose. Of course, not. I have a psychiatrist treating my ADHD, and I will soon start seeing a clinical psychologist trained in Somatic Experiencing and IFS. I’m just... trying to understand my brain.
And I’m sharing all of this—everything I’ve studied on my own trying to comprehend—because I am TERRIFIED that I’m making things up, or people will think I'm faking it.
Our most radical protector (I have no other way to explain what that voice is, that internal dialogue I hear when I think about this) keeps telling me that they won't believe us. That this new therapist will just look at us and say we just have "a big imagination," that I misinterpreted the symptoms, and that I have no idea what I'm talking about.
It feels exhausting to be this functional on the outside while trying to process a fragmented identity on the inside. I’m just so tired of second-guessing my own reality. Has anyone else dealt with this severe level of denial right before starting specialized therapy?