u/syudoiefern

TW for: Incest, CSA & COCSA.

I'm kind of writing this with a massive headache. Like, a really awful headache. I'm also 16 and not an english native. So pardon any mistakes.

My family was and is still somewhat neglectful and abusive. But that's nothing I want to go into detail at the moment. Anyways, they used to leave me at my cousin's very often. Starting at 4 to 11 years old. My cousin (whom I consider a brother) is one year younger than me and I witnessed him being molested by his mother multiple times.

His family had a lot of effect on me, I think. His dad and mom were both smokers and alcoholics, always drunk, and his dad never did anything to me but I felt intensely afraid of him all the time. He always acted very creepily towards me. We also found porn on his phone and when I went home I searched it up and became obsessed with it for a few years (but that's besides the point.) That and he left his condoms around (which did become a funnily fucked up thing when we thought it was a balloon and played around with it.)

I won't go into too many details but me and my cousin took baths and showers together. I remember touching him and him touching me. I didn't really feel sick about it which was the worst part. We were eventually separated and now we only barely visit each other. Which was good and bad. I think despite all that I wanted to be there for him.

Due to bullying he dropped out of school last year and he's doing some rural work. Meanwhile, I dropped out this year due to mental health/issues and still have no idea what I'm going to do or how. I visited him a couple months ago and we are still very good friends and very close. I find that he is always distracting himself with physical work and I find that I'm distracting myself too, just with different things. I had a dream we talked about what happened to us, but I don't think that will ever happen. Even away now I feel a sense of companionship with him. I hope that we both won't stay broken forever.

I've been suspecting myself of having OSDD for a long time. I'd brought it up with my current psychologist but she's not a specialist in this field. Or to be fair, I didn't really give a good explanation, probably? She regarded it as some sort of 'extreme defense mechanism' when i don't think that was what i was trying to convey at all. Please pardon the stream of thought writing. Honestly, I am writing this in something like panic and my hands are kind of shaking.

A very long time ago I'd "talked" to a 'Seth' in my brain which scared the fuck out of me, so I'd dismissed it as me making it up on my head. But I "talked" to him again and while he didn't say much I feel almost paralyzed with pure terror. He's Seth, he's 14 (*I am not 14) and he has a couple opinions about my favorite manga that we don't share. That last bit of question was kind of stupid but I just wanted to emphasize that he's vaguely different but also not really?? I don't know how to explain this. Maybe I've made him up, I can't be sure, but I asked him a couple questions and it made me afraid because I don't know if I'm going crazy or what. I think I myself am one person, just inconsistent and somewhat fragmented but then how is there a "Seth" talking to me when I'm not him and also him at the same time?

He only really speaks in variations of "I don't knows" and short answers, so that makes me doubt myself even more. Maybe my imagination is just really good and I'm just answering myself but at this point I also don't know who I am. Looking at some of the previous things "I've" done and said "I" know things "I've" done but "I" don't know what kind of mindset "I" was in or 'who' I was in that moment. For example right now I am very sure that I as a person have done and looked into OSDD extensively but right now I can't remember anything about it and/because I'm freaking out. My name should be Vince as everyone knows me by that name. But here and now I don't know if that's even who I am. Honestly I'm panicking right now.