u/iarekaty

I should NOT have watched the footage of the monks being taken out by an 11 year old driving a truck. I didn't seek it out of morbid curiosity exactly. I wanted to view the footage to see for myself whether it looked like the kid intentionally veered into them or was maybe swerving around something in the road...i dont know why it didn't register how disturbing it would be. I was thefeI said to myself right after the warning before the video "maybe is shouldn't watch this". Then I watched it anyway. Somehow I didn't think it would be so disturbing. I don't know what I was thinking. What was i expecting to see? Not that. It was quick. I don't know how to describe this feeling. Shock? Sure. Some. Sick to my stomach in a way but i cant identify where in my body the feeling is coming from. It's like my soul feels nauseous...the way in which it happened...it wasn't cold. It wasn't calculated. It wasn't brutual. Not even sinister. It feels more disturbing. It feels like lack of thought at all, a joyous impulse. It was dehumanizing. It was so sad and it happened so fast..the sound...my god I can't imagine being witness to that let alone being one of the surviving monks. There was a monk standing farther off the road that didnt look to be hit. All of the monks that were there behind him were cut down in the blink of an eye. I dont think he saw it coming either. He looked confused and my heart broke for the realization that would soon sink in.

Anyway, that was a mistake. Had to get it off my chest. That shit was fucked up, man. Goddamn...how fucking sad dude. Those poor guys.

It's awful.

Thank you for reading. I'm gonna try to get it out of my head now and avoid doing that to myself again in the future. Goddamn that was fucked up...

Like, for real. Is there something like the MID-60 or DES-II with trick questions or something? I've taken both online self reported questionnaires a few times over the last couple years. I don't remember that exact instances of previous results in the past or recall taking the tests (aside from one instance near the beginning of and sort of being in a sort of solemn state of disbelief/denial/shock with a dash of "sense of duty" as I read that results, after which I made the executive decision to quietly exit ((just remembered in revision. I did say goodbye. I gently woke them, let them know I was leaving, brushed their hair back and kissed them behind the ear)) the room of a sleeping friend/romantic fling whom I had been designated driver for that same night. I was going to stay but some things happened earlier in the night that suddenly bothered me and for whatever reason (the reason being I had been suspecting off and on for a couple months at that point). I laid awake for a little while thinking, got out of bed, sat on the floor and took a dissociation questionnaire. I didn't know what the MID 60 or DES II/T were at that time so I don't know if the test I took was decent and I don't remember the exact results. All I know is the results were what I did and didn't expect. Besides the point I guess. Back to it).

I took both the MID-60 and DES-II twice online earlier tonight. Was it twice? No. I took the MID once I think and looked at the results of the time I took in the middle of June (the results were emailed to me). Oh. Wait. I did take it twice. I just did. It was just on a different site and I had to score it myself and I didn't use a calculator to [edit:7/4/26,7:27am-meant to say I didn't use a calculator to add up the initial symptom scores. I DID use the one to divide that sum by 60, got 3.9, knew it would be 39 if multiplied by 10 and then used a calculator to multiply 3.9 by 10 anyway just in case] find the mean [sum*] to divide by 60[to find the mean*] and multiply by 10 [234/60=3.9*10=39, for clarity and an honest and more accurate account of events. And also, I admit i felt embarrassed not correcting myself. One because it would be a lie and a stretch to claim I could quickly divide 234 by 60 in my head without breaking it down a whole bunch and wrestling with the floating numbers in my head for far longer than I even thought to care to try...two, if i had done such a thing with ease, it would mean i suddenly had a math skill i didnt before (the adding alone without writing anything down was more than my brain is usually capable of without getting too tired to hold the numbers in place and i didnt want to exaggerate improvement in a skill i had already noted to myself or let my words continue to mislead. I honestly mispoke. But I noticed the mistake in retelling of events and to leave it felt like a lie)there's a good chance I added the score up wrong since I didn't write anything down. Feeling too lazy to go back and rescore (I'll screen shot it in case I change my mind. One sec. Okay. Might put more effort into that later or I might just throw out the results. Doesn't really matter anyway). Ok. So I've got 3 MID-60 score results, two tests of which were taken tonight and one of which was taken half a month or so ago on the same platform as the one I first used tonight...Goodness. To the point? I think I already said the point at the beginning but whatever.

MID 60 platform#1: 6/15/26[10:43am]=38, 7/3/26[3:33]am=35. Platform#2 (with questionable scoring): 7/3/26 [approx 4:30am? screen shot @ 4:59am. No way I took those two so close together..I'm probably mistaken and reading times wrong or something. Oh well. The score is the point and this one's getting tossed probably]=39.

The variance in score doesn't bother me, nor does the questionable scoring on my part. The thing that bothers me is that when I could rate a symptom with some good ce anrtainty and wasn't "guessing by feel" (answers of which I make a point(?) to [often] take lower a notch for good measure [in case I'm exaggerating] or maybe two points if I can't find a memory to go with the guestimated score based on feeling), and the symptom points happen to be somewhat high, some part of me glad about it, like validated or some giddy satisfaction like that's what they I were was hoping for. I worry that's it's confirmation bias. Like, mirrored confirmation bias or something...Like if I feel fairly certain of my answer but then I feel that gladness about it, I take it down a notch even if I'm certain because I'm not certain but I feel conflicted about that because I could still intentionally mark symptoms as higher than they are with anticipation of taking it down a notch or two and still scoring relatively high but I feel conflicted about that because I feel good and validated and like I'm trying to hard to prove I'm not exaggerating or trying to get a certain result because "see? I have these measures in place and I'm trying really hard to be honest but I feel dishonest about it and it feels performative even though I didn't think that a minute ago and now I'm just typing and I'm going to stop because I only meant to get on here and kind of ask the original question half joking ([insert]because relatable) half not ([insert]because denial/not denial because denial is a symptom and I'm in denial and denial isn't necessarily a symptom of a positive but could also be the result of a default negative due to misreported/exaggerated symptoms and some part of me feels good living with the confirmation bias because I don't know why. Probably for attention or something or because I like being right even though I don't mind being wrong and always prefer to know for certainty if I AM wrong even if it's embarrassing. It suddenly feels very performative again) because I need to see a therapist [to know with enough certainty to tell the difference between the two denials] but I also need to know right now [and part of me believes most mental health professionals aren't qualified to give me an answer or will dismiss my perceived findings outright, be it with good intentioned misplaced reassurance (feels like "don't worry! nobody can even tell you're autistic!) or condescension and dismissal [and unwillingness to even ask me WHY I might be suspecting like our last therapist ("it's so rare though")] without exploring the possibilities with an open mind but I'm deciding to put it away for now but feel free to answer the question anyway even though I...The insert "edits" will go on for days. I want to be done.

For real though. Does anyone know about a dissociative questionnaire or self test I can take online that I can't possibly "cheat" on? I know too much about the symptoms to be sure it's not confirmation bias. Whether it is or isn't, neither answer sits right with me. Confirmation bias implies I WANT it to be true which points to...whatever it's called when someone doesn't have the disorder but finds some comfort in the idea...can't remember what it's called right now...it's on the tip of my tongue like someone is shouting it from the bleachers but I can't quite hear through the churning conversations of the crowd. Impression? Impersonative (is that a word? I don't think so).? Imitative. Thank you. And "imitative" feels embarrassing to me even if it's not intentional because some part of me feels like it's intentionally imitative/performative and some part of me feels embarrassed that I "outed myself" to a select few more than once with absolute insistence and certainty (and took it back more than once too) only to feel like I look like an ablest fool who wants to be "special" (I don't think they think that. I think they think I'm confused or am a chronic "google self diagnoser" who either WANTS to be ill or IS ill but only in wanting to be ill (I HAVE been right about all the other stuff, but that's not really helping with the unease and stupid feelings...more confirmation bias and some "pretentious intellectual ego" shining through)...Anyway. Wtf.

You get the point or you don't. I know there is no such test I can take online. But on the off chance there is, lemme know por favor. Gracias. Adios.

P.S.-Just realized I didn't put DES II results in there (like it matters). Looked through my history to try and find it. Didn't find. Did find descriptions of what it is and how to score it and whether it's the same thing as DES T (basically i think). I did take a few other "tests" but they weren't the mid or des. One was simply called "dissociatve symptoms or someething scoring 70%. okay. done. my dog demands attention.

I'm just learning about all this so I'm not sure if I'm into anything. I know that corn is used to make dextrose which is used to make a lot of pharmaceuticals, stimulants included.

I only did a quick Google search, but I gathered that the corn industry in India (not sure about china) is "booming". Due to a bunch of things I won't try to explain because I don't understand/have all the information yet as far as importing and exporting goes, there have been "bottle necks" in the manufacturering process. Is it possible that companies in India and China are producing corn and dextrose at a faster rate than they can move the product and just stock piling it to the point where the quality goes down? I read storage length regulations have been extended in India at least since they have either been producing more than usual or not being able to move as much product as usual (not sure which. Maybe both).Poor or lengthy storage can effect the quality of dextrose. It's basically the main raw ingredient (i think) so it makes sense to me that shitty dextrose would make shitty meds.

Again, I only have a very vague understanding of the manufacturering process. There are a lot of moving parts here and different companies might do things differently, but I figured I'd start with corn. What do you guys think?

Its a long shot, but I'm asking because I think there was a med mix up in the facility I'm a resident in and I was receiving 37.5mg of mydayis along with my 20mg xr adderall for a few days. Im supposed to take 30mg xr adderall. The extra 10mg has since been switched to granules brand. 20mg xr wasn't effective so I went up 10mg. At first, with the pink and blue "10mg" added dose, the adjustment seemed to be effective. Then they switched manufacturers. I know they can really only get what's available but I wanted to know which manufacturer makes the pink and blue capsule for future reference. I couldn't find it anywhere online. Not only that, it seems NO ONE makes adderall xr in opaque pink and blue. However, the 37.5mg generic mydayis manufactured by mallinckrodt fits the bill in appearance (can't be sure of the imprint as I wasn't paying attention before). It's also a stimulant often labeled simply as "amphetamine and dextroamphetamine". I can see how it would be easy to mix up if a person were only looking for the name of the med. Honestly, Im not even upset. I think the mydayis along with the adderall was a bit too much but it was absolutely more effective that the 30mg of adderall I take now and I'd like to switch to the 37.5 mydayis on its own since it actually worked. I already let one of the staff know. I contacted the pharmacy. All they have on file for 10mg is the granules. Granules had never made a pink and blue adderall xr. I'm nervous bringing it up to the head of nursing staff since she's the one who made the error in the first place. I feel like I need to have some kind of concrete proof. Im afraid of gaslighting and I keep gaslighting myself. I know for a fact the first meds I was given were pink and blue and switched to blue and white just a few days later when my meds weren't effective at all. Im also trying to make sure its not just the luteal phase as this all lined up very well with my cycle and the hormonal fluctuations that can make meds entirely ineffective. There's no way I can get tangible physical proof and it's just my word that the capsules were opaque pink and blue, so they might not believe me or think I was simply mistaken. But if I can find out without a doubt that there is no adderall, generic or otherwise, that comes in a capsule of those colors I'll at least be able to believe myself and have more conviction when I bring it up to the person in charge.

Its a long shot, but I'm asking because I think there was a med mix up in the facility I'm a resident in and I was receiving 37.5mg of mydayis along with my 20mg xr adderall for a few days. Im supposed to take 30mg xr adderall. The extra 10mg has since been switched to granules brand. 20mg xr wasn't effective so I went up 10mg. At first, with the pink and blue "10mg" added dose, the adjustment seemed to be effective. Then they switched manufacturers. I know they can really only get what's available but I wanted to know which manufacturer makes the pink and blue capsule for future reference. I couldn't find it anywhere online. Not only that, it seems NO ONE makes adderall xr in opaque pink and blue. However, the 37.5mg generic mydayis manufactured by mallinckrodt fits the bill in appearance (can't be sure of the imprint as I wasn't paying attention before). It's also a stimulant often labeled simply as "amphetamine and dextroamphetamine". I can see how it would be easy to mix up if a person were only looking for the name of the med. Honestly, Im not even upset. I think the mydayis along with the adderall was a bit too much but it was absolutely more effective that the 30mg of adderall I take now and I'd like to switch to the 37.5 mydayis on its own since it actually worked. I already let one of the staff know. I contacted the pharmacy. All they have on file for 10mg is the granules. Granules had never made a pink and blue adderall xr. I'm nervous bringing it up to the head of nursing staff since she's the one who made the error in the first place. I feel like I need to have some kind of concrete proof. Im afraid of gaslighting and I keep gaslighting myself. I know for a fact the first meds I was given were pink and blue and switched to blue and white just a few days later when my meds weren't effective at all. Im also trying to make sure its not just the luteal phase as this all lined up very well with my cycle and the hormonal fluctuations that can make meds entirely ineffective. There's no way I can get tangible physical proof and it's just my word that the capsules were opaque pink and blue, so they might not believe me or think I was simply mistaken. But if I can find out without a doubt that there is no adderall, generic or otherwise, that comes in a capsule of those colors I'll at least be able to believe myself and have more conviction when I bring it up to the person in charge.

Tl;dr: (a simple yes or no would be helpful. If you can find proof this med exists, that would be even better) Have anyone you ever been given 10mg generic adderall xr in an opaque pink and blue capsule? From what I can tell, it doesn't exist. Ignore the rest of the text if you want.

I live in a residential facility and my meds are given to me by the nurses at the med window.

I take 30mg XR every morning, split into 20mg and 10mg doses. I was only recently prescribed the extra 10mg dose. I had been waiting on it to come in for a while. One of the mornings when I asked if they knew when it would be in. They sent me to talk to the head nurse at the front desk (not sure what her actual title is. She facilitates the medical and psych provider meetings and keeps track of our records and such). Since the 10mg dose was already supposed to be in and it wasn't at my usual med window/nurse's station, she had me follow her to another one of the nurses stations (not the one my building uses) and she got them from there and gave it to me herself. I took these pink and blue capsules along with my solid blue 20mg capsules for 4-5 days. After that, the 10mg were switched to with and light blue capsules (granules). I didn't think much of it at the time since the pills are different colors every month. That being said, it's odd that that script of pink and blues ran out so quickly. The meds come in big blister packs and last a while. It wasn't until I started looking for the specific manufacturer online that I realized I might have been given the wrong med. Thing is, those pink and blue capsules seemed to work much better than the granules (blue and white) and I wanted to know the manufacturer for personal reference. Journal entries clearly show the efficacy of my meds declining when the manufacturer switched (which isn't too surprising). At first I thought it must just be that I went into the luteal phase around that time (and that may still be the case). Only I couldn't find those pink and blue capsules anywhere online. The pharmacy has no record of prescribing anything other than the 10mg xr granules (aside from the other confirmed 20mg xr I had already identified). While it's not the most reputable source, I even asked google if opaque pink and blue 10mg adderall XR has ever existed. Nope. I used pill checker web sights. I searched images. I searched reddit. The only stimulant med I found fitting that description was 37.5mg Mydayis. Recently, one of the nurses I really like has made a point to show me the dosage and prescription on the blister pack before we pop them in the cup (they have us do that ourselves on this floor). She has been cooperative in letting me write down the imprint numbers on my meds and even let me hold the pack to examine my meds. She says things like "they're your meds. you have every right to know what you're taking" and "I think it's really great that you're getting to know your meds". Maybe she's just cool like that. But that respectful and encouraging behavior got me to thinking and looking further into it.

I've talked with a couple other nurses who (of course) knew nothing. I've yet to talk with the nurse I like or the "head nurse" (or whatever her title is) since both are out today. As I said, I called the pharmacist. I haven't accused anyone of giving me the wrong med because I'm honestly afraid they'll gaslight me. So I'm trying to investigate first before I call anyone out since it's likely it will be denied. (I know for a FACT those first 10mg capsules were pink and blue, not white and blue like they are now), but I have no real way to prove it. There's another nurse I'm going to talk to. I actually argued with her a little bit, telling her I'm supposed to take the 20mg (solid blue) and the 10mg (pink and blue). I'm used to most of them being confused, so I assumed she was being incompetent or confused as she has been in the past, as her mother has also been and whom outright dismissed me when I asked her if they had changed manufacturers as my usual dose didn't seem to be working. I told her generics aren't all the same and she just said "well it's the same med" and basically shut me down when I tried to explain that isn't true. So I've got some personal bias against these two mother and daughter nurses. While that's the case, I'm now starting to think I was the one in the wrong that day I was annoyed with her and insisted which meds I'm supposed to take as I'd taken the same meds for a couple of days. I'm wondering if she was confused because it wasn't the right med. The other nurse (not the head nurse) had to come up and confirm what I had been saying but I don't remember her actually looking at the blister pack and took my word for it (I've explained my meds to her before and the difference between IR and XR and she still gets them confused and double checks with me). So I'm going to ask the nurse I argued with if she remembers that day and go from there.

Anyway, due to the well known shortage, my 20mg dose has come from at least 3 manufacturers. I was able to identify those through google searches and the imprint codes. I confirmed these findings with the pharmacist. He has no record of anything other than granules 10mg xr and the 20mg xr. As far as I know, granules has never had a 10mg opaque pink and blue adderall at all, nor has any other manufacturer. It's quite possible I'm incorrect. I wouldn't be quite as confident if it weren't for the pharmacist confirming they've only ever sent over the granules 10mg (i had him describe what they look like and asked if they've ever been pink and blue. they haven't).

Still, I'm afraid of confronting them on this. They've already been so weird about my meds. And I don't want to call out a mistake and risk being lied to or calling someone a liar when they aren't. They MUST have noticed which is why the capsules got switched out after a couple days. Are they keeping it hush hush? Did I imagine pink where there was cream/off-white? I think more than being given the wrong med, I'm more pissed at the lack of transparency and/or a cover up. I've lived a life of being gaslit and dismissed by those in authority so I'm extra sensitive to the possibility of it. I want to double double check the meds I've describe (pink and blue 10mg XR generic adderall) isn't a thing before I confront.

I don't want to get kicked out or accidentally lose my temper or be shut down. I don't want to lose my meds altogether (the psych provider almost ended the session when I told him the singular 20mg XR wasn't effective and told me that "not all generics are created equal" must be and AI thing. He was rude and dismissive and I didn't exactly keep my cool. I wound up telling him I had nothing else to say to him, told him I KNEW he was going to be dismissive and left the room angry. When I got to my room feeling defeated and misunderstood, I cried. Later that afternoon, I took my IR booster dose which helped me regulate my emotions and form clear sentences and I apologized. After that, he prescribed me the extra 10mg XR for the mornings.

So yeah. Guess I had to get that off my chest. Just a bit of a vent I guess. I'm always uncomfortable talking about my adhd meds with anyone for fear of being accused of drug seeking or being judged or told "that's meth" or whatever. I'm sure you get it. I still really, really want answers though. I don't intend to do anything with the answer other than maybe asking to switch over to Mydayis at some point and to double check that my meds stopped being as effective because of the luteal phase.

My apologies for the ramble. I only meant to ask the one question.