u/F250460girl

Making a meal for my neighbor and I had a memory pop up.

My neighbor's husband was in the ER last night, and she's having a major operation in a couple of days. It's not much more work to add a few potatoes and extra bacon to the soup. They've always been good neighbors.

While I was chopping potatoes this memory hit me so hard. I was 18-19, lived by myself in a decent area about an hour and a half away from my narc mother. My neighbor was pregnant and her husband was out on a call (FD) she had two other children as well. She had smooth easy pregnancies her first two, the third one made up for all that smooth sailing. She was miserable and exhausted. (Her husband was good to her, involved but fire season waits for no one.) She was ill, throwing up and trying to get groceries in the house. I volunteered to help her. She declined, but I said "Don't stress it I got you I want to help." I helped her and her kiddos inside. I offered to prepare dinner for her and the kids. She looked at her kitchen and started to cry, it wasn't gross, just two toddlers, a busy husband and pregnancy had left its clutter. I cleaned, entertained the toddlers and made her soup. It wasn't a big deal, I didn't expect praise. I just wanted to help someone who clearly needed it.

My mother called me while I was cooking and chatting with the toddlers. Her tone was immediately disgusted when she heard them talking. I told her I was at the neighbors helping her for a bit while she rested. My mother started laughing at me... She said "A sucker is born every minute. Why would you do that for free? Seriously? it's not like she'll help you back. God you've always been so easy to take advantage of." She continued to mock me and laugh at me for helping my neighbor.

(Side note a few years later I fell on hard times. I was leaving my abusive ex husband. The neighbors husband slipped me an envelope with $200 cash and a gift card to a grocery store. He told me to "just accept it and don't argue, we want to help." (Same words I told his wife years earlier.) )

My mother has always hated taking care of people. She has always resented it... I am no contact with my mother, but I still hear her laughing at me and mocking me... Honestly even if that neighbor never spoke to me again... I don't do it for praise or for someone to give something back. I do it because I never got help or someone showing up for me... So I became the person who would. I've now got people who do show up and do help me.

Sorry about the random rant... It's weird how some memories just smack you outta the blue..

TW pet loss and dark thoughts:

I've been struggling with sleep. I'm so exhausted and I just can't seem to be rested. Dr says everything looks good, I've tried so many different things....I can't shut off my brain.. For example tonight my cat (a wonderful creature) came to comfort me. I couldn't help but think about his mortality and my own. I love my life, I have a beautiful and wonderful family. I have no thoughts of harming anyone, anything or myself. I just had the sad thought of "One day he won't be here. There will be a slinky shaped cat hole in my heart. Give him extra love and a couple more treats." My heart hurts thinking about it. I got up because laying there felt unproductive and I made muffins. He did what he always does. He demands a chair next to me while I cook. (He doesn't get on the counter or in the food.) He just sits in "loaf mode" and watches me. He knows when I'm going to get ingredients, he'll jump on top of the trash bin and demand pets. I wash my hands and he jumps right back into the chair. He has the cutest tail. It curves into a question mark. When he's really excited about pets he spreads his toes really wide... Like all the way as stretched out as possible. It's ridiculously cute and odd. He's derpy and not exactly the smartest animal... But he is my little buddy who just knows...

I wish I could shut off my brain and stop thinking, not just about my cat, but everything.... It's so exhausting to constantly have thoughts bouncing around your head. Like a song headache, but you can't just listen to another song.

It's 4:50am where I'm at rt now... I haven't slept for more than 6 hours in 3 days... I can't keep doing this.... I just want the noises to stop, the thoughts to stop being so loud. It's like constantly going in circles until my head hurts...

I don't like to whine or compare or complain.... But I'm so done with feeling like this. I'm just exhausted...

Just read an article about one of the Western states putting hunting and fishing restrictions on a petition.... The comments are hilarious... "It's our God given right!" "We have the right to hunt, fish and eat meat!"..... The same people upset about the petition for restrictions are the same ones that force pro-birth and archaic laws on women.. How do they not see the correlation??? Being forced to give up something or you get in trouble with the law really sucks when the shoe is on the other foot doesn't it?

Tw: racism

My mother is crazy, she pulls crap and then plays the victim. It's more pathetic than anything else at this point. She hates anyone not a white Christian. (Which is nuts because she wasn't raised that way.) She goes on long rants about the Muslims and Mexicans it's the most insane drivel I've ever heard. This weekend she visited my state. On her last day here she asked to go to lunch with me and my fiance. He met us on his lunch break. She was okay, not great. She flipped off protestors and got offended when they returned the favor. That was the only incident up to this point.

My fiance had to get back to work so I was left with her and her toad husband.

She started complaining about the protests and I said "That's their right, as is yours to flip them off." She was not pleased I didn't agree with her. She sat up straighter like she was ready for an argument. (What she doesn't know is I've studied about immigration law, civil rights and the whole shebang. I feel strongly about it. I have friends and neighbors affected.) She started complaining about tax theft and I squashed her argument. The whole time I'm looking for an out or a kill switch. Her husband started to get disgruntled. This egged My mother on. In her mind she had a chance to look like the smartest in the room. My mother started ranting loudly about "towel heads" and "Sheet wearing Muslims." I said "You know if you took clips of Christian pastors, they wouldn't be seen in the best light either." My mother then made this "Ha" sound and said "You're one of them! Wanting to take everyone's hard earned money and give it to moochers." I said "I want a fair tax. You and your husband are never going to be billionaires, ever." She told me "You don't know about Muslims I went to school with them. You don't know... One day I hope you will, but you don't know." (She did not go to school with any Muslims) I asked "What don't I know? What don't I understand? I have a lot of life experience and frankly Christians have been the rudest to me and I'm a Christian. If I was angry at everyone for what individuals did I'd be a very angry person. I don't need to be an angry person." My mother then bobbed her head "Everyone needs an enemy." I said "No, everyone needs a common goal. There is absolutely nothing wrong with diversity and you will never convince me otherwise." She scoffed and laughed like she was hearing something crazy. I told her I was done arguing with her and she was a very hateful person who thinks she's clever. I said "You've made claims and shown no proof. You have no law, no news article and no leg to stand on. You behaved poorly in front of your grandkids and expect a sainthood. You need to explore why you are so bitter and hateful. Because there is no room for it here." I got up and left the restaurant with my head held high. I'm not a hateful cunt and i refuse to be a part of the hate.

I should have walked away the second she started. But, I cut her off. She knows I'm right and that she is the person who is broken. God she's so fucking hateful. It's gross