The Horrors of the Psych Ward
This past year has been the worst year of my life. I always had anxiety, depression, and a bit of paranoia. But early this year I went into full blown mania. Hearing voices, and was totally debilitated by it. I ended up having family members commit me to multiple psych wards and a rehab clinic. I was diagnosed BP1. The horrors I went through inside were unspeakable. I am struggling with family and friends truly grasping the psychosis I went through. It has shattered the person I was before. Vibrant, intelligent, witty, fun, sweet. I’ve lost my job, some friends, and am alienated from much of my family. I wake up every morning terrified by the ptsd of being in the psych ward.
There’s days I never get out of bed. I can’t breath. Or I simply go out to be with friends and drink to forget. I went from someone who did improv, stage managing, house managing, a full time job. Merchandising and managing major projects to unemployed and unsure if I can even hold a job anymore. At times my meds seem to make things worse. I don’t love the things I used to love: video games, tv shows, pro wrestling, etc. I just feel hollow.
I’ve gotten a lot of support, but also a lot of criticism. It feels like my life is suddenly in shambles when one year ago I was up for a promotion. I know I’m ranting, but this is not how my life was supposed to go. I’ve regularly thought about suicide, but I am at least lucky to have a ton of people who care about me. I just wish this past year never happened. Every single day. I miss me.