I got overwhelmed and ruined the day (again!), advice?
Last summer, I went to the beach with my boyfriend. I love him and I love the beach so I was excited. I ended up getting overwhelmed and crying when water got in my face because I don’t like my face getting wet. Then after the ocean, my hair got messed up (because I didn’t plan to get it all wet and I didn’t bring hair supplies, and my hair does NOT air dry well), and I started crying again because I felt so ugly. He is wonderful and helped me but I cried through dinner and felt so embarrassed.
So now this summer, we planned another beach day. I was super excited, feeling optimistic and determined to make it an awesome day and not be like how I was last year.
In the morning, he mentioned the last time he was at this area was years ago with his ex, which I told him I don’t really love hearing and he apologized for saying it, but it unsettled my body and put more pressure on myself to make it a fun day when I was already feeling pressure from myself internally because of what happened last year.
I made it worse.
I was wearing a new swimsuit that is more revealing than I’m used to so I was on-edge, the water was cold, my face got wet again, salt water in my eyes, and I started crying in the ocean. AGAIN. I got upset with myself because that’s the EXACT thing I was purposely trying to not do again. Thankfully, my hair dried decent because this time I came prepared with products. But then later while walking, it was really hot, it was a long day, and I had barely eaten anything that whole day, and I was feeling overwhelmed and shutting down. My thoughts get really slow when I’m like that, I zone out a lot, and my voice gets higher pitched (which I hate because I feel like I’m baby talking but I literally cannot help it)
At the end of the night at his house, I ended up crying so hard that I don’t like myself and I had ruined the day again. It’s not entirely true because I really do like a lot of parts of myself, but not the part of me that gets like this. I’m 28 and I feel so immature when I get overwhelmed and I can’t snap out of it. And then I end up spiraling because I’m angry at myself for not snapping out of it, which then makes it 100x worse and impossible to get out of.
He eventually told me to go home because he could tell I needed sleep, which was true; I was exhausted and only sleep would help, but it felt horrible leaving the night like that. I ruined a beach day a 2nd year in a row, and additionally I definitely did not make that day better than whatever time he had there with his (neurotypical) ex.
The thing is my boyfriend is wonderful and patient and supportive and helps me through everything, and reminds me a hundred times a day how loved I am. I just wish he didn’t have to. I don’t want to be so fragile. (I’m not all the time, but when I’m overwhelmed/overstimulated, or shutting/melting down, and unable to stop it, I feel so bad about myself). It feels like he’s working to take care of me instead of spending a fun relaxing day with me. It’s horribly embarrassing and not fair to him, no matter how nice he is about it, it’s just not.
Does anyone have advice for how to snap out of those moments? Or at least relate?
