r/aspergirls

Does anyone else feel as if they’re treated like a bad mother due to their autism? Like, if I was a blonde 30 year old neurotypical business woman, people would be praising my parenting, but instead people always go out of their way to correct me, and it’s virtually never warranted or necessary. Just yesterday, the daycare lady humiliated me in front of everyone because “I must not be washing the bottles” even though I sanitize them literally every night, and the smell turned out just to be the normal goat formula smell. Or once, I had a CPS worker come because my daughter has Mongolian marks on her butt (blue spotty patches common in indigenous babies). Or once I had two people in the same week criticize me because my baby looked uncomfortable in her insert. I asked her pediatrician and they said it was fine and she was literally just asleep. I doubt neurotypical women get so often shamed over such small innocuous stuff. I feel like people never see autistic mothers, so when they see them something feels off and they have to find every way that they are somehow abusive or neglectful to explain their unease. Recently, I’ve also become super anxious that people think I’m a drug addict due to my inability to mask. I feel like people never treat me with any dignity in any aspect of my life, but especially parenting.

I’m currently on a 90-day PIP at work and wanted to ask if anyone who has autism or aspergers has successfully recovered from something similar.

The PIP is not about technical performance or missing deadlines. It is focused on workplace communication and behavior expectations such as:

- interrupting coworkers while they’re focused

- talking too long about non-work topics during work hours

- following up too quickly in person after sending Teams/email messages

- inserting myself into conversations or meetings not directly related to my responsibilities

Some of these are older issues that had already previously been discussed months ago, but they were still included in the document as part of the background/history section. The more recent feedback that triggered this has mainly been around communication timing and workplace boundaries.

Management has said my operational/technical work itself is not the issue. I honestly don’t think any of my behavior was intentionally disruptive, but I can now understand how it may have been perceived that way in a busy office environment.

Since the PIP started, I’ve been trying to:

- use Teams/email first unless urgent

- avoid initiating conversations unless necessary

- give people more response time

- stay more focused on work topics

The hard part is sustaining it consistently without becoming completely withdrawn or anxious all day.

Has anyone here actually passed a behavior-focused PIP like this? What strategies helped you manage workplace communication expectations without isolating yourself too much?

I just graduated high school and didn’t make a single friend all 4 years. Ive always masked at school and the people who want to be friends with the masked me are people who I actually wouldn’t want to be friends with and who wouldn’t want to be friends with the unmasked me. In college I want to break this pattern and search for friends who Id actually relate to both personality wise and interest wise. What good ways to find friends in college besides clubs (I already plan on joining multiple)? Also, what are good ways to find other neurodivergent friends?

I chose “questioning” because I need advice, but this is also about a professional relationship.

I’m 25, autistic, and this Friday I was supposed to have jaw surgery with my doctor. I’ve been his patient for around 10 years. He did my first surgery and everything went really well. Him and the nurses were very kind and helped me relax, which made me trust him a lot.

This second surgery was also going to be used as a class with students watching. That made me nervous, but I agreed because he was the one doing the surgery and we had agreed no students would actually touch me.

After waiting for hours, I found out my doctor had suddenly gotten sick and ended up in the ER himself. My first reaction honestly wasn’t even about my surgery, I was immediately worried about him and wondering if he was seriously ill.

Then they called me in and started preparing me without really explaining anything. I asked if my doctor was there, and they said no, so I immediately said I didn’t want the surgery anymore.

Another doctor then came out and got aggressive with me about refusing. She said students would be working on me anyway, so it “didn’t matter.” At that point I had an autistic meltdown outside the surgery room. I was crying, shaking, hyperventilating, and completely unable to speak, so my mother had to speak for me.

We eventually left, and I was emotionally drained for days afterward. But even after all that, I kept hyper-focusing on the fact that my doctor was sick and worrying about him.

So I guess my questions are:

1. Is it normal to become this emotionally attached to or worried about a doctor after being their patient for so long?

2. How can I better advocate for myself during situations like this when meltdowns make me unable to speak?

Recently tried to get out and socialize/meet new friends with a shared interest.

I thought it was going well, but apparently not. Tried my best to show up and be myself, but also mask just enough to stay polite and friendly.

There were 3 girls that I thought were trying to be friendly, but I'm starting to think they were just being mean. I'm feeling pretty hurt and confused about it.

* Girl #1 kept asking me to buy her food, drinks, etc. at the events. I didn't think anything of it, was just trying to be friendly so I did. Then she started asking me to buy stuff for her friends, at which point I said no.

She'd make snide comments if I ordered one drink "oh you like your alcohol", but whenever I invited her to sober activities outside of the group, she'd either ghost me or say she'd be there and ghost. If I told her I didn't want to do something at the event, she'd just pressure me until I gave up and did it. The one time we hung out 1-on-1, there was a movie playing at the bar and she kept trying to point out sexual scenes to me and talk about lesbians. I just didn't look and said I didn't see it. (I am queer, I was just confused why she was doing that and not attracted to her)

* Girl #2 would come up to me and say hi and start a conversation, so I thought she was trying to be friendly. But I started to notice a pattern in the conversation, she would say she liked something and if I said I liked it too, suddenly she'd say that she didn't like it anymore. Over time, I noticed her bringing up things I said or did to others without mentioning me specifically and laughing about it. (Ex: if I wore orange pants one week, the next week she'd joke with the girls about how orange pants were ugly and only an idiot would wear them)

* Girl #3 would do something similar. She'd always yell and act excited when I showed up (which I hated tbh). Then she'd start a conversation with me and if I tried to ask a question or express interest, she'd shut down what I said and explain why it was wrong, stupid, etc. ex: if I said, "I love Lord of the rings, did you see the new movie?" She'd go "Nooooo I wouldn't bother it looks like trash. It's not worth it because (endless list of reasons why the movie is bad and lame)". She would also do the same thing that girl #2 did, but it creeped me out because she'd repeat things I only said to girl #1 or girl #2, not her.

She also kept trying to touch me a lot, rub my arms and hands, hug me, etc. even though I told everyone I don't like to be touched. I would visibly back away when she tried this and I think it made her mad.

I tried addressing Girl #1 that I didn't like when she didn't respect my boundaries and she just said "sorry I don't remember that". But after I addressed it, she never tried to approach me or hang out again.

I started ignoring Girl #3 when she'd yell out at me and the good thing is she doesn't try to talk to me anymore. Still makes plenty of passive aggressive comments with Girl #2 though.

I am confused because at no point did I insult, argue with, flirt with, act inappropriate in any way, etc. with any of these girls. I asked them thoughtful questions, showed interest in their life and hobbies and kept the topics PG-13. Again, I thought I was doing all the right things.

What happened?

Hi everyone. First of all, I’m not looking for an online diagnosis and I know Reddit can’t replace a professional evaluation. I’m mostly looking to hear from people who may relate to what I experience.

For a long time I’ve struggled with a lot of anxiety, especially social and relationship-related anxiety. I tend to overanalyze everything: texts, tone of voice, changes in behavior, facial expressions, social dynamics, etc. I constantly question how other people perceive me and I often feel out of place or “different” from others.

At the same time, there are some things that make me wonder if it’s only anxiety. Multiple people throughout my life have told me that I seem like I could have “high-functioning autism” (I know that term isn’t really used clinically anymore, but that’s how they described it). Not as an insult, just as an observation about the way I act and process things.

Sometimes I feel like I experience social interactions in a very analytical and “thought-based” way instead of naturally, like I have to consciously think about things that seem automatic for other people. I’m also extremely emotionally sensitive, get overwhelmed easily, and often feel fundamentally different from others, even though I care deeply about relationships and other people’s emotions.

I don’t know whether this could all fall under generalized/social anxiety, being a very sensitive person, or whether it might be worth looking into ASD.

Has anyone here experienced something similar? How did you personally tell the difference between anxiety/social anxiety and possible autism?

Thank you in advance. 🤍

So basically the situation started this time last year. My partner and I did a weekend away with his family. Before this weekend we were both under the impression that I was invited with my bf on their summer holiday. While away for the weekend, it was bought to our attention that his mother no longer wanted to invite me.

His mother wants him to be enmeshed with him. I think the uninvite was probably prompted by the fact he spent more time with me than her on this weekend.

So on this trip, it upset me that she rescinded the invite, we talked, I told her I was upset and she said she will go away and think about things. Months later my bf comes to find she has booked this holiday behind his back without me on the booking and she only told him because he had booked a concert for those dates.

Since then, my bf had to give up his flat with his roommate and moved back home to his mums. He lived there before (we have been together 5 years) and I used to spend every weekend there and some week nights. But now, she has 2 new rules that are essentially stopping me from going over there. I can’t be there if he’s not, and I need to leave the same time as him in the morning. My bf has a driving lesson on his one day off so I’m not allowed to be there that day. I have a chronic fatigue issue which makes it impossible to get up and drive home at 6am.

I always got the vibe that his mum was frosty with me from the beginning. But now it feels like it’s being slapped across my face. It’s so hurtful because like many I have been bullied and excluded my whole life, including from my own family, and now it’s happening with my partners family too. It’s causing issues with my bf too because while he is on my side, he has the like guilt of not being enmeshed with her. He panders to her a bit. I also tried to explain to him how neurodivergent people get mistreated and singled out their whole lives and my alarm is going off that it’s happening here again, and he just tries to defend her and tell me it’s not personal.

I have no idea how to move forward from this because I can’t ever imagine feeling comfortable around her again.

Not sure if this is allowed or belongs here, but I just thought it was funny and wanted to share. Sorry in advance for the long post, I’m not very good at explaining myself without excessive detail.

My husband and I met 2 years ago and married 1 year ago. Although we haven’t known each other long, we know each other very well, hence why this was so surprising and funny to me.

For some background, I’ve never had a very supportive family, so my undiagnosed autism was chalked up to “quirks” that made me “weird and unlikeable” and something I was told should be shoved down. Obviously, I believed this, and never sought out a diagnosis as this wasn’t something I thought I had due to the unfamiliarity of it all. Of course I struggled, but struggling wasn’t very welcomed in my household, so I just roughed it out and truly believed there was just something wrong with me. Because of this, I didn’t start to question whether or not I had autism until I was about 5-6 months pregnant. Pregnancy really amplified my symptoms and discomfort, I was constantly overstimulated. It made it apparent to me that something was off. So after my daughter was born, I sought out an evaluation and was diagnosed about 3 months ago.

Well after I received my diagnosis, I was excited to tell my husband that what I was going through, and been going through my whole life, finally had a name. That I wasn’t crazy and my horrible family was wrong. I finally felt validated. Well, when I went to tell him, he looked really confused. I couldn’t understand why, so I asked him what was wrong. He looked at me and said, “Yeah, I know. What are you talking about?” Of course, I was confused, just as much as he was. So this led into a whole confused discussion, imagine the Spider Man meme where there’re all pointing at each other. Come to find out, he thought I knew I had autism all along. His brother is autistic, so he’s really good at identifying other people with autism.

I was so mad. I told him I wish he had told me sooner because it would have saved me so much trouble and confusion. Apparently, he thought I knew I had autism all along and was just too embarrassed to tell him, so he didn’t want to bring it up in fear of embarrassing me. Crazy, because we’re literally married and he watched me get cut open (C-Section), and saw all of my organs on a table. But that’s fine to share. Autism? Apparently, not fine lol.

After that, we had a good laugh for a bit and all is well. But 3 months later and this still cracks me up!

I’m talking to a guy I like a lot, and I showed him the new lipstick I bought on chat. And he said wow I didn’t think you wore lipstick, now I feel like you’re a proper girl girl. And I said what was i before??😭😭and he said a girl but not a girly girl. And idk if I’m being dramatic but I’ve always felt insecure about how unfeminine and «pretending to be a girl» I am. Like a pig in lipstick kinda thing. And ouch it hurt

Statistics show a grim reality of what work life looks like for autistic people.

Unemployment rates are high among us, so is working in jobs we are either overqualified or misqualified for.

I'm interested to know what you learned or studied for and where you eventually ended up working.

I'll start:

I studied to be a social worker and a little while later I decided to study media design.

Couldn't set foot in the media related world and worked in the social field again for several years. Eventually I burned out and knew I couldn't work in that field anymore.

Since then I worked for the local mail service (during which time I received my diagnosis at age 33).

I left that job after 3.5 years because I got a job offer from a doctor who wanted me to work as her secretary. Since it was a very quiet practice I agreed because my body was wrecked from all the heavy lifting at the mail service job. The doctor then didn't keep a single word of what she told me before I started there and fired me after one month without explanation.

I then ended up in a small shoe company where I repaired all kinds of shoes after a couple months of training. 9 months later they also fired me for being too slow while praising me for my work ethic, reliability and precision.

I've been unemployed for almost 3 months now and I have no idea when or where I will find a new job.

pretty much dealt with this my whole life and i know its a shared sentiment among some others here as ive seen others allude to it from time to time: when you dont realize until much after the fact that someone/a cohort of people were putting you down, picking on you, bullying you, abusing you.

i am looking back on recent events in my life and genuinely feeling enraged. this sort of thing does hit me from time to time, and a lot of times i can shrug off certain instances as 'well at least im out of that environment now, and it was bad but i somewhat have closure as to why i felt so upset/isolated there all the time'

but some of the stuff that i went through at the hands of others in recent years is hitting me full force. situations where i did not realize i was literally being humiliated and severely ostracized/put down. i knew i felt like cr*p, and i knew these people were not being nice. but i did not realize the extent of what i was going through in the moment. this has happened nearly my whole life. i cant recognize a situation for what it is in the moment. its usually always too late.

i get no opportunity to defend myself because i dont know whats going on and im starting to have a sick feeling that the people doing it to me know that i have some reduced level of awareness. after all, they make nasty comments about my personality and behaviour, and use autism as a dig/insult (no i never disclose neurodivergence openly, so clearly i stick out like a sore thumb. i also mask heavily and try my best not to be obviously different in any way)

im just really upset and angry at the world. i feel horrible about everything. i literally hate what ive been through. i just ask myself why all the time.

I’m having a lot of difficulty with this and would like to know if others are experiencing the same thing. I will very often ask people a “yes or no“ question (this is primarily at work, but it also happens with friends and family members), and they will respond with an answer that has a lot of information, but does not clearly answer with a yes or a no. It is extremely frustrating and I find myself interrupting them to tell them I just need a yes or no answer. People do not like this, obviously, and they think I’m rude. Anyone else experience this?

For those of you that like Loop earplugs, which level of noise reduction do you use? I’m looking for ones that will take the edge off of overwhelming ambient noise - think loud music in a restaurant when you’re trying to talk at your table, or out shopping in a crowded store. I already wear headphones a lot in public, but sometimes I’m too overstimulated for music and just want things a little quieter.

Also side question for Loop users - can you layer them with over ear headphones to cut down on noise but still hear music?

I’m out of practice, I’m 19, tried many sports as a child but was never good nor interested in any of them. My BMI puts me in the overweight category, however I was in the class 2 obesity category 4 years ago so I guess some improvement.

Anyway, I hate sweating because of sensory issues and I also have social anxiety disorder so I’m afraid of being judged. My coordination is also pretty bad. I have little experience and don’t know how to start exercising but I do want to. I was a severe toe walker and had achilles lengthening surgery when I was 8, but before then I would be fatigued easily and I feel like I missed out on some experiences because I had such poor balance and would get hurt easily despite my parents trying their best to have me in sports. I also have very thin arms and legs and an inverted triangle body type so I would like to make that less obvious. I do have PCOS too.

The sport I enjoyed the most is wall climbing but I’m overweight and weak which means I can’t really do it. How do you exercise? Any advice on how to get started or what to try? Also advice on how to minimize sensory overload would be appreciated. I’m not sensitive to lights at all and not that sensitive to loud noises either but am very sensitive to sweat and the feel of some sporting equipment.

I’m late diagnosed 24F and for the last 6 months have been quietly horrified that I’d lost some skills entirely: speaking, writing, short term memory, having any sort of curiosity or enthusiasm, attention span, spontaneity, self confidence. I thankfully have an easy job but still called in sick for a week to spiral in bed and not be perceived. I’ve avoided friends for months because at any conversation my mind just draws a blank.

A quick search led me to find out these are classic symptoms of autistic burnout. But I’ve been experiencing skill regression for nearly 3 years now since diagnosis, and an extreme low (burnout) for the last 6 months.

Is this normal? It feels like every day I remain in burnout, the farther down I walk a flight of basement stairs, and the light at the top of the door recedes ever further. It doesn’t feel like I’m getting anywhere close to recovery.

I feel totally unrecognizable today. The enthusiasm and optimism and empathy I was known for seems to have been replaced with a stoic, tired, apathetic shell of myself. I miss the old me and the life she had, but I know the solution is not to revert to an old self but to grow with this, burnout and all.

For those who’ve been here, how was the experience for you? And more importantly what got you back on your feet?

Did anyone else (or does anyone else) experience people asking them “why is everyone so mean to you?”

I was reflecting on being a teenager. I was picked on quite a bit, and occasionally I had people come up to me and ask me, in a confused way, “why is everyone so mean to you?”. And I also remember this girl messaging me on Facebook when I was 13 “why is everyone so mean and hateful to you?” after someone told me to “stfu no one cares“ on a post I made lol.

I’ve heard this sentiment of confusion expressed when witnessing lots of people being mean in an unprovoked way to a person who is harmless but come across as slightly different (aka neurodivergent)

I just got the cost estimate for my eval, but it feels very arbitrary to me because it's a large, neat number. Is it fair to ask for a cost break down? We had discussed some of which tests would be done and ones that aren't necessary on our 15 min intro call a few months ago, and since then i received a doc to sign that had the hourly rate on it - but i don't have access to it anymore because it was a one time portal. But I also don't have info on how this price was generated beyond calculating that it is 24 hours of the rate....seems like a lot to me. Is it normal to sort of be a flat fee or can I ask for a breakdown before paying the upfront downpayment? Private pay.

We were together for almost 10 years (ages 16-25 for me) and lived together for 2 years, until I reached my lowest low, and the relationship, already under strain, did not survive. I still don’t understand why I acted in the way that I did, and I’m not sure that I will ever forgive myself. I tried my best to grow since the break up, to show that I’ve changed and healed, but it was too late.

At the time, I wanted to escape even the relationship, which before we lived together, was my escape from life. It became sort of a cocoon. He was the light of my life and a sort of psychological container for me. He saw me and mirrored me and was the only person I felt completely safe with.

He moved a few states away after we broke up. It’s been 2.5 years since the break up, and I’m still processing it. It was too painful to process all at once. Despite my mistakes, he said he wanted me in his life still because he adores me as a person and my personality. We maintained some level of connection in these 2.5 years, sending each other music or memes. FaceTiming here and there. I feel like I’ve essentially watched him detach from me in real time, which felt like slow torture.

I arrived at this level of awareness a little too late. The relationship is done yet I am still holding onto it. He has a girlfriend now. My ego is completely flaring up over it. At first, I felt like I was detaching from him too when he told me this. But it seems my ego has only clung harder as time has passed. I can hold two realities at once, that I am in pain, but I also want him to be happy. I respect their relationship and have kept my feelings to myself.

That’s what’s also so painful about all of this. The one person I never had to mask for, I can now only interact with while masking.

The connection just exists digitally now, and we rarely talk. I feel erased. It’s difficult to have a casual connection with someone who once knew you deeply. It makes me genuinely feel insane, like I’m in a bad dream. I feel like I’m drowning.

I have the impulse to completely cut it off, but something is stopping me. I can’t fully let him go. I want to be mature. I still care about him as a person too. I don’t want to sever the bond and act like it never existed, which is what it seems my mind wants to do. I’m trying to see this impulse as a reflection of my own life, that I need to get busy and meet new people and so on. But I feel so depressed. And I really can’t connect with anyone on the same level.

I think I’m just going to completely back off from him now, but with him still on my friends list, my immature brain still tortures me with glimpses of hope and fantasy. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel so lame and childish.

26F here. I got laid off a few months back, and have since not been able to find a job. I am very very grateful that I've been able to fall back on my parents for support until I can get another job. (Of course that has its own drawbacks, since my parents can and still are somewhat abusive/infantilizing to me). The process of finding a new job has been very stressful, and I hate being asked about it. It just sends me into a tailspin because there seems to be no end in sight.

Anyway. Since my layoff, I moved to a big apartment building. My building has a doorman who works on the weekdays. I don't go out much, since I'm obviously trying not to spend a lot of money. But my doorman has taken a notice to me being out and about during normal work hours, and will sometimes give me a weird look and ask me, "No work today huh?" And I will casually just say "not today."

He has done it several times now, to the point that it makes me anxious to leave my apartment because I don't want to be asked about what I do for work and have to admit I got laid off and am relying on my parents. But I also don't want to say anything too rude, because this guy works in the building 5x a week.

What can I say to let him know I don't want to be asked, but in a polite way? Idk why but I've noticed that people tend to ask me personal, invasive questions more than the average person. Maybe I just have a certain welcoming vibe.

I had a good day with my boyfriend yesterday. We've been living together for 2 years. He came back after a long work trip, he rented a car and we went to explore a few places. I was kinda obsessed with buying pyjamas because I REALLY needed them (mine are all destroyed) and we can't go to that shop often unless we rent a car because we live in a small town far away from the city.

We ate out, saw amazing landscapes, saw goats in the mountains and discovered new places. We went to buy the PJs. Then we had a couple of beers at the bar.

It was great until we came home and I realized I got the wrong size and the shop is closed tomorrow which means I will have to travel for 4 hours in public transport just to change the size. Then I had a huge meltdown. The first in months, I've been controlling them very well. I think it wasn't really the PJ but the stress from the change of routine while he was away and then another change now that he's back. Maybe it's because I was told I'm going to be in charge of a whole team at work and that's stressing. I really don't know. I have ADHD as well btw.

I had my meltdown and went to sleep. And today he says he is disappointed because I had a tantrum because of a pyjama and he doesn't want to continue our road trip today. He's acting pissed off and doesn't understand me. And I don't know what to do. He's normally extremely caring, cuddly, and loving. But he says this is ridiculous. I just want to move on and not think about it, I even apologized but he won't let us move on. He's giving me shitty advice like "you just have to control it, it's not difficult"...

I'm feeling really sad and angry that he doesn't even try to support me emotionally and he's taking it personally. I wired him half of the car rental, even though he said he was paying (we normally go 50/50). I don't want anything from him if he's going to act like an asshole. But I don't know what else to do, he's normally not like this.