u/InGodzHandz

I have been tired since Thursday. I have struggled to write or sleep at a decent hour at all. I can’t make myself eat. I have felt unwilling to face life for most of the days. I missed church. I’m afraid I won’t wake up on time for my interview tomorrow. I have been in pajamas all day. I have avoided seeing people since I’m doing laundry. I’m glad I’m living alone for right now because my family would judge me so hard if they could see me. I’ve been depressed about being in my early 30’s, jobless, struggling in my relationship, and having to depend on my Mom. What can I do?

I selected burnout because I do want advice. I’m early 30’s. My Mom is not threatening to send me to a home anymore, but she wants me to exaggerate to get the social security money my dad left us and then live with her the rest of my life. I feel like I’d rather have anything else happen.

I hate my autism. My Mom wants to be enmeshed with me and be best friends. I don’t. I have too many issues with her and I don’t know when her bipolar brain will flare up. I hate that I have to depend on her, this woman who has been verbally abusive to me and my boyfriend. He’s so tired of my mom that he wants nothing to do with her. He has issues of his own and I can’t help. If I weren’t autistic, I’d be supporting myself and would not have to deal with drama.

I hate how exhausting autism is. I hate that I struggle to focus because of ADHD too. I hate that I have meltdowns. I hate that I struggle to sleep or wake up on time. I hate that this week has been about recovering from my Mom’s visit. I hate that I have only been able to cope while keeping up with volunteering, Taekwondo, and working out. I want to do more and apply for more jobs. I have interviews coming up, but I feel hopeless. I want motivation to keep going, but God doesn’t always give me that either.

I don’t even feel like talking to people today. I am in the parking lot of a Michaels preparing to get stuff with a coupon I got for my birthday. I don’t want to deal with the drama from not talking to people later. I am so sick of being seen as a failure and feeling like I let everyone down. I have a more autistic friend who is so anxious and paranoid that she barely goes out in public and I cannot be there for her right now. I hate how much I struggle. I have other friends who can support me but I don’t have the strength to talk right now.

I hate dealing with the brain I have. When will I live up to my full potential?

Trigger warning for Family Drama and Verbal Abuse, I guess.

I'm living where I am now because my Mom sold the previous house after my Dad died. The plan was for me to get a job and take care of myself. It has taken me a while to adjust to living alone and tackle job hunting, but I'm getting the hang of it now. The house has to be sold because we can't afford it anymore. I understand that. We are all struggling financially. I had to give away something today so I could have money in my bank account.

However, what I don't understand is her telling me in front of my sisters that she and my Dad did everything for me (besides watch after my mental health, but that is a longer story), that I am unacceptable for being unemployed at my age, and basically that I'm a disappointment. She also made the threat that she would make me the ward of the state, and they would take away my car and put me in a group home. My Mom reiterated that when she called me, even after I texted her that I was heading to a job fair. It's only hitting me now how toxic my Mom is being. She now thinks I'm moving with her.

I talked to my boyfriend and my friends. They have helped me conclude that I need to stand up to my Mom, look for another place to live, and find a job. If I fail, I'll move with Mom, but I have to try. I just need all the support I can get right now. I got a pedicure as an early birthday present from my friend today. Her support meant a lot. But right now, I'm sitting on my bed feeling like I'm about to vomit. My Mom is coming on Sunday and I'm terrified.

Edit: I forgot to add why I hate my autism right now. If I had a normal mind, then I would be able to navigate this economic crisis and find a job. My family as a whole wouldn't look down on me. My Mom wouldn't see me as hopeless and would love me as I am. I could function well enough to pursue my dreams. I wouldn't be hated and seen as a baby to take care of. I wouldn't have to risk cutting off my Mom to stand up to myself. My whole family will hate me once I stand up to my Mom. I wish to God that my brain functioned normally. I wouldn't have been so bogged down in learning how to function.