u/Alternative_Lime9761

TW SI ideation

Hi all, I've seen how supportive everyone is in this sub and I just really felt called to write here today, I'm in desperate need of some support or just to be heard and understood, in some way.

I'm 39F, autistic with CPTSD and PMDD, chronic migraines and currently awaiting what is most likely a multiple sclerosis diagnosis as well after being incredibly unwell and bedbound majority of the past 3 months with worsening severe neuro symptoms (lost all sight completely in right eye, problems with mobility and a lot of chronic full body pain etc) but have been unable to access neurologist appointments and the tests.

I am Australian but living in Mexico for almost 7 years and in this time I've become more and more disabled and chronically ill, especially since beginning to proccess a lot of my trauma 4 years ago after my autism and CPTSD diagnoses and becoming estranged with my entire abusive "family? back in Australia at that time, I've declined, have severe agrophobia, I force myself to go to the supermarket every 10 days but that is a huge and stressful event (meltdowns, overstimulation and recovery for days). Have lost most of my friends and the ones I do have here don't understand me anymore and have been dismissive and unsupportive of the changes I've gone through here and as I no longer trust anyone or share my life and what I go through, I just avoid people as much as I can and stay at home with my animals.

My 4 animals are my whole world, my only family and they have saved me too many times to count. But they are the only reason I have stayed here in this country for so long. It's not possible to take them back to Australia, I have looked into it thoroughly, but Aus only accept animals from a certain list of countries, Mexico is not on that list. In addition it is incredibly expensive and the quarantine process on arrival is ridiculous, I couldn't put them through all that stress even if I had the money and they allowed animals from Mexico.

So I stay in this country that is making me literally sick, I am feeling incredibly depressed and with almost constant suicidal ideation the past months due to how disabled and ill I've become and I'm really fucking scared for the future. I can barely care for myself now. It's taken me 3 months just to be able to book a neuro appointment and ge and MRI because I cant work much at the moment as Im so unwell. I'm grateful Im able to work from home but these past months I barely can work enough to cover rent and expenses.

We currently live out in the forest, its beautiful but it was my 6th time moving house since arriving in Mexico because of the extreme noise everywhere and it resulting in my CPTSD symptoms worsening as well as being in a cycle of constant autistic burnout just from the noise, we moved to the forest.

However we have been here a year and now my neighbours from 7am to 6pm CONSTANTLY every day are using multiple chainsaws right next to my hose to cut up huge trees into wooden panels. They have been doing this for weeks and they repeat this every couple of months. I cant think, be outside, work, fucking breathe nothing when this is happening, like today I just stayed in the fetal position crying under the covers (with my earplugs and headphones) because the noise is so extreme and constant its like living next to a fucking racecar track. Im so stressed and overwhelmed and scared because I know that this level of extreme noise constantly is whats mostl likely triggering this illness I have and if its MS then the stress is most certainly making my symptoms worse. All I can think about is ending it all, but I look at my sweet fur babies faces and I could never do that.

Im sorry, Im just feeling so so alone and isolated and hopless in all of this. I feel like Im being dramatic, but I know I just feel that way as everyone has gaslit me for so long and now I cant even admit to myself how bad my situation is, I gaslight myself. I don even know whats real anymore and how to trust myself.

I did online therapy for a while but it wasnt helpful, she made me feel even worse, she didnt know anything about autism, PMDD or CPTSD and said some ableist shit so I couldnt continue with her and now am anxious to find someone else who would fit, its too much.

I have so many big plans for the future and goals I want to achieve, but for so long Ive just been struggling so badly here and only barely surviving and I turn 40 in some months, Im just feeling so scared that im going to die alone in this house because ive become too disabled and unwell to care for myself and my animals will all be seperated and end up with shitty people (there are sooo many animal abusers in this area where I live too and its been another significant contributor to my trauma here being exposed to all that/dealing with those fuck heads/not being able to save them all)

I have gone on the biggest rant. I apologize, my thoughts are not clear right now but I just needed to get all this out and have someone hear me. thanks for reading. Any words of comfort and support are so welcomed x

Hey ya'll, just wanted to share some recent realizations here to release and maybe for some validation that I'm not totally insane and it's infact not normal for a healthy mother to say this shit. I apologize in advance if my thoughts and writing are a tad scattered, I'm deep in autistic burnout and PMDD episode as well as dealing with some chronic illness flares and increase in CPTSD symptoms currently.

But I haven't slept well the past few nights and have been remembering some weird shit my mother said when I was in my teens and 20's (I am 3.5 years no contact with her and my entire "family" of origin).

While these are definitely not the worst things she ever said to me (she regularly called me a slut/whore and told me I would amount to nothing in life, as soon as I hit puberty), but these are new things and comments made that are coming to me and are times I'm just remembering now and I feel so icky and unsettled thinking about them. I think because I feel so conflicted, I have been so accustomed to being gaslit invalidated and dismissed throughout my life (I'm 39 now) from family, friends, medical providers etc that now I find it so difficult to assess my memories (although they are crystal clear and vivid) I don't know if what I experienced was "normal" parenting/mothering and I'm just being dramatic like I've been told my whole life or if in fact normal, healthy mothers don't say shit like this to their daughters? I guess I'm looking for some kind of clarification or reassurance because I'm gaslighting the hell outta myself rn.

-In my 20's after I had to set some boundaries regarding borrowing my car, my mother and grandmother called my mobile phone together and left a long voice message, but the were "pretending" it was a "butt dial" and that they weren't being recorded and on the message they were having a loud, clear conversation with each other about me, what a horrible person I was and listing all the things they hated about me. They then ignored me for 6 months and I had to apologize to the whole family to be spoken to again. Rest of family enabled them and ignored me too. Never got one from them, I always forget about this but when I feel guilty about going no contact it hits me that healthy, mature mothers and grandmothers don't do this shit. But idk, is it common?

-I just recently remembered a time my mother said to me when I was a teen "You know we will always love you...unless you kill someone". Like ok. This one has been so fkng strange to process, I don't know how to take it. So is it the fact that she even had that thought so weird? And that she thought I was capable of that when I was a child? Or the fact that she has only ever shown me conditional "love" anyway. Or, I think this one stems from her public image preservation, as do the next comments I've just remembered

-There was a "Current Affair" type program on the television when I was a young teen, it featured a young girl battling anorexia and her family supporting her. My mother turned to me and said "You better not EVER do anything like that to us!" Wild lol. It was always about them and their image. Of a similar vain, it was early one new years eve when I was a teen and we were driving through my hometown with the whole family in the car, including my brother (18 months younger). There was a young girl super intoxicated on the sidewalk with some friends and my mother again just turns to me in the car and says "You'd better not EVER do anything like that shit to us, god I would disown you"

Of course the following years I in fact did struggle with eating disorders which I've since healed from (I never told them about this) and alcohol/substance abuse (She made fun of me in my early 30s and started a huge fight for getting sober and overcoming it/asking for support/my grandmother bullying me for it at my aunts wedding)

-I'm remembering so many strange, jealousy driven comments from her but this one I can't shake. I remember we were walking into my highschool afterhours for some event, maybe I was 15-16 and I ran into couple of my best friends on the way, we greeted and hugged one another, just regular hugs, nothing too crazy. When we were back home my mother said "God I hope you don't hug your girlfriends every single time you see them like that?! Thats SO embarrassing and uneccesary!" Like huh? Why was she so triggered by me showing affection to my friends at a young age? We were not at all religious. But it seems she held some deep shame about all of this and projected it all onto me.

Sorry guys, this is a bit all over the place, but just some recent realizations, by far not the worst like i said but I guess I just needed to write them out and share because my mind and body are a mess atm and I thought it would help. Like normal, healthy mothers and grandmothers don't say things like this to their daughters, correct? I recently lost my online therapist and am very isolated overseas with no support system so I think connecting here is my best option right now. Thanks for reading

Hey ya'll, just wanted to share some recent realizations here to release and maybe for some validation that I'm not totally insane and it's infact not normal for a healthy mother to say this shit. I apologize in advance if my thoughts and writing are a tad scattered, I'm deep in autistic burnout and PMDD episode as well as dealing with some chronic illness flares and increase in CPTSD symptoms currently.

But I haven't slept well the past few nights and have been remembering some weird shit my mother said when I was in my teens and 20's (I am 3.5 years no contact with her and my entire "family" of origin).

While these are definitely not the worst things she ever said to me (she regularly called me a slut/whore and told me I would amount to nothing in life, as soon as I hit puberty), but these are new things and comments made that are coming to me and are times I'm just remembering now and I feel so icky and unsettled thinking about them. I think because I feel so conflicted, I have been so accustomed to being gaslit invalidated and dismissed throughout my life (I'm 39 now) from family, friends, medical providers etc that now I find it so difficult to assess my memories (although they are crystal clear and vivid) I don't know if what I experienced was "normal" parenting/mothering and I'm just being dramatic like I've been told my whole life or if in fact normal, healthy mothers don't say shit like this to their daughters? I guess I'm looking for some kind of clarification or reassurance because I'm gaslighting the hell outta myself rn.

-In my 20's after I had to set some boundaries regarding borrowing my car, my mother and grandmother called my mobile phone together and left a long voice message, but the were "pretending" it was a "butt dial" and that they weren't being recorded and on the message they were having a loud, clear conversation with each other about me, what a horrible person I was and listing all the things they hated about me. They then ignored me for 6 months and I had to apologize to the whole family to be spoken to again. Rest of family enabled them and ignored me too. Never got one from them, I always forget about this but when I feel guilty about going no contact it hits me that healthy, mature mothers and grandmothers don't do this shit. But idk, is it common?

-I just recently remembered a time my mother said to me when I was a teen "You know we will always love you...unless you kill someone". Like ok. This one has been so fkng strange to process, I don't know how to take it. So is it the fact that she even had that thought so weird? And that she thought I was capable of that when I was a child? Or the fact that she has only ever shown me conditional "love" anyway. Or, I think this one stems from her public image preservation, as do the next comments I've just remembered

-There was a "Current Affair" type program on the television when I was a young teen, it featured a young girl battling anorexia and her family supporting her. My mother turned to me and said "You better not EVER do anything like that to us!" Wild lol. It was always about them and their image. Of a similar vain, it was early one new years eve when I was a teen and we were driving through my hometown with the whole family in the car, including my brother (18 months younger). There was a young girl super intoxicated on the sidewalk with some friends and my mother again just turns to me in the car and says "You'd better not EVER do anything like that shit to us, god I would disown you"

Of course the following years I in fact did struggle with eating disorders which I've since healed from (I never told them about this) and alcohol/substance abuse (She made fun of me in my early 30s and started a huge fight for getting sober and overcoming it/asking for support/my grandmother bullying me for it at my aunts wedding)

-I'm remembering so many strange, jealousy driven comments from her but this one I can't shake. I remember we were walking into my highschool afterhours for some event, maybe I was 15-16 and I ran into couple of my best friends on the way, we greeted and hugged one another, just regular hugs, nothing too crazy. When we were back home my mother said "God I hope you don't hug your girlfriends every single time you see them like that?! Thats SO embarrassing and uneccesary!" Like huh? Why was she so triggered by me showing affection to my friends at a young age? We were not at all religious. But it seems she held some deep shame about all of this and projected it all onto me.

Sorry guys, this is a bit all over the place, but just some recent realizations, by far not the worst like i said but I guess I just needed to write them out and share because my mind and body are a mess atm and I thought it would help. Like normal, healthy mothers and grandmothers don't say things like this to their daughters, correct? I recently lost my online therapist and am very isolated overseas with no support system so I think connecting here is my best option right now. Thanks for reading

So for context, I have been no contact with my entire "family" of origin for 3.5 years, living on other side of the planet 6.5 years so haven't seen them in that long. My mother and grandmother were the worst, emotionally immature bullies, my father also with same traits and enabled them as they emotionally abused me since my teens (I'm 39 now) along with the rest of the family who enabled and allowed it all. I now have cptsd and am disabled from the treatment of being in that family and after countless attempts at trying to talk and make it work, of course it never did, so I decided to stop contact after moving abroad. Not one single member of the family has attempted to reach out to me in the past 3.5 years, not one. No one has wondered my side of the story, reached out to ask or wish me happy birthday, xmas NADA. I left everything open but I have been healing and trying my best to support myself and move on with my life and they have been dead to me tbh especially the last 2 years after some intense grieving

I just checked my bank account now and my heart fucking skipped a beat as I see $500 in my account! I clicked on the transfer and it says "love nana"

WHAT THE FUCK. I dont know if I want to scream or cry but I'm just feeling so fucking strange right now and needed to share with someone who understands, How dare she?! This has always been their go to, they think money is a bandaid and means they dont need to communicate, take accountability or apologize ever and shit can just continue to be swept under the rug so they never have to reflect or change. I fucking hate them. Fuck her and her guilty conscious. They think that just heals and undoes everything seriously?!!

UUUGH Im so angry. Why are they like this. Just leave me the fuck alone

So for context, I have been no contact with my entire "family" of origin for 3.5 years, living on other side of the planet 6.5 years so haven't seen them in that long. My mother and grandmother were the worst, narc bullies, my father also narc traits and enabled them as they emotionally abused me since my teens (I'm 39 now) along with the rest of the family who enabled and allowed it all. I now have cptsd and am disabled from the treatment of being in that family and after countless attempts at trying to talk and make it work, of course it never did, so I decided to stop contact after moving abroad. Not one single member of the family has attempted to reach out to me in the past 3.5 years, not one. No one has wondered my side of the story, reached out to ask or wish me happy birthday, xmas NADA. I left everything open but I have been healing and trying my best to support myself and move on with my life and they have been dead to me tbh especially the last 2 years after some intense grieving

I just checked my bank account now and my heart fucking skipped a beat as I see $500 in my account! I clicked on the transfer and it says "love nana"

WHAT THE FUCK. I dont know if I want to scream or cry but I'm just feeling so fucking strange right now and needed to share with someone who understands, How dare she?! This has always been their go to, they think money is a bandaid and means they dont need to communicate, take accountability or apologize ever and shit can just continue to be swept under the rug so they never have to reflect or change. I fucking hate them. Fuck her and her guilty conscious. They think that just heals and undoes everything seriously?!!

UUUGH Im so angry. Why are they like this. Just leave me the fuck alone

Ok so it's not a huge deal but it's kinda means a lot to me at the moment so felt like sharing and to also see if others got their SM bonus from last week?

I completely forgot about the 2 day/10 hour stream contest from last week on SM but I participated and woke up this morning to a lovely surprise of an extra $150 bonus to my pay! Been really going though it health wise recently and am also disabled so finding it really difficult to work more and longer hours although I need to, so this little bit extra is such a nice ( brief) relief and support for this week!

Was anyone else here surprised with a bonus from SM this today and would you care to share here? x

Hi all! So I've been on SM for around 8 months and doing quite well there, but doing online sw for around 6.5 years on other platforms so I'm def not new to it and in that time have learned how to run my room as I want and be firm in my boundaries.

But last night was streaming o SM and a demanding man really pissed me off. I told him while in an exclusive that I wasn't comfortable with doing something (pounding my pussy super hard and fast, I just dont enjoy it, it hurts me so I dont do it), he continued to be demanding but for other things that I am ok with (showing my feet, scrunching toes while playing with toy etc) so I set boundaries with some things he requested, however other things I did do that I was comfy with and gave it my best tbh it was a difficult show just because of his energy alone, but I did it.

After all his requests he left the show early and I see that he has left me a 1 star review. I've been angry all night. Like ok, maybe if I didn't fulfill one of your desires in excl but I literally told him upfront at the beginning of the show I wasn't going to do one thing, everything else he asked I did in the show. All my other ratings from the past 8 months on SM are positive and 5 star. Last night apart from his I also received 3 other 5 star ratings. I know this guy was just a massive douche, I should've ended the show myself early tbh, but how do you girls continue to set boundaries in your room and run it as you want without the fear of getting low reviews?

I'm autistic with cptsd so its taken me a long time to get where I am now and feel comfortable being so assertive and firm in my room but I have grow to feel confident with this and usually I am, but this idiot set me back and I feel a bit flat and insecure today but I need to stream soon so was hoping for some advice or encouragement?

Thanks so much chicas!! Hope everyone has a successful weekend x