r/NarcissisticMothers

I sent The Text. I know you guys understand which one. She can either change or leave my life. But I hate this all consuming guilt I have just by enforcing my boundaries and not letting her walk all over me. It’s so stupid to feel this way. I hate that I feel awful because I’ve finally said my peace after years of excusing her abuse but I’m so heartbroken just knowing that she’ll be devastated by this message. I’m a people pleaser. I can’t help it. This guilt is eating me up and idk what to do. I just want to hug her and tell her I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry. I love her but I can’t live a lie anymore. How the hell do I put my feelings first this time? Even now she’s forcing me to think about her first.

Hi everyone. This is my first attempt at interacting with the outside world, for now I just want to see that I exist basically. Just have a human being say hi. I am 33 and understanding the extend of my mother's narcissism is really getting to me. I badly want to free myself but the smallest things are too difficult right now. I will try to tell my story a bit but I don't trust anything or anyone yet. Shoutout to all of you for being so brave and being there for each other.

About once a month my Mother out of nowhere throws out the “I just want you to know I love you” and it makes me nauseous. I know it’s complete bullshit and I don’t even know why she does it.

What’s everyone’s opinion on the best response? Should I just fire back with a “Thank you” or maybe saying “Okay”…

I’m female 30 and haven’t lived at home since I was 18. My mum was angry and abusive to me my whole childhood including even killing one of my pets. I’m an only child.
At every opportunity, especially in the last couple of years, my mother has tried to get me to move back home. For reference, I have a beautiful flat that I have really made my own, a large group of friends who live nearby, and three pets (who she resents). I also live 5 minutes away from my job. I don’t have any financial struggles and I’m not lonely. She refuses to visit me even tho I’m less than 30 mins away and expects me to visit her and my dad every week. She renovated the room in her house that was my old bedroom and made lots of comments like “you’ll be moving back in here soon I bet!” And when I had an emergency surgery this year she was angry that i didn’t “move back in with her”. Now my friend has passed away she is trying to use my tragedy to get me to move back in with her.
I’ve tried explaining that I will not be giving up my home, my friends, putting my pets into a shelter, moving away from my job and giving up every single bit of independence I have in the city to move into a small town but she doesn’t stop. At one point she even said to me “I want to clone you so I can keep one of you locked in your room here”.
I’m disgusted, freaked out and I genuinely think I hate her.

I'm sick rn (probably the flu, seeing a doctor tomorrow). Body symptoms often trigger my anxiety and the last days it was really bad. I was lying in bed and couldn't eat and for a moment I considered calling my mother who I haven't been in contact with for 4 years. But then I remembered how she is and that she wouldn't take care of me but probably be another burden. She would probably make it about herself and how worried she is about me right now which would lead to me taking care of her and downplaying my symptoms or getting more anxious.

I don't know where I am going with this post I just wanted to vent. I wish I had a mother who could take care of me when I need her.

Hi !’m 22! needed to rant here before fully crashing out and doing something inappropriate. I don’t know where to start but living with my parents feels like being in a cage. I love my parents, especially my father. I am a father’s girl but never a mothers’s girl. Since I was a child I experienced being physically and verbally abused. Until now I have been verbally abused. TBH all of us until my father, sisters, and even my niece. I hate her. I tried to be open and liked by her but it made me sick. I’m always the neglected one and high pressure from her.

I feel bad for my father until now he is experiencing physical and verbal abuse from my mother. I was a psychology student. Not to diagnose my mother but I feel she is narcissistic and histrionic. I don’t want to curse my mom but I hope she dies. Anything we do feels like against her.

Resting during our restday? Makes us feels guilty to sleep 8-10hours
Spending our money for ourselves—like clothes, foods etc? Makes us feel guilty to spend to nonsense and just give it to her
Going out with friends? Makes us feel guilty to enjoy sometimes
Saying out our opinion/feelings? Should always be on her side. 

Many more. TBH.

Always rushing things, not agreeing with her means rebellious child, Everything she says is right. the list goes on…

Living with her feels like manifesting depression. Isn’t that impossible, right? I always cry, feel lonely, have episodes, crash out and feel pressured by her. Living with her means outliving myself—that’s how I feel. I love my father so much. I will be rich. He is the one on my to spoil list, my mother doesn't deserve to be spoiled. Everyone in the house is drained by my mother so I hope she rests now. Fuck traumas and fuck narcissists. 

PS. Not intend to hurt anyone.

I’ve been trying to make sense of my childhood and the impact my mother had on me and my siblings. She always talked about how horrible her own mother was and how she wanted to be a better parent, but looking back, her behaviour was deeply damaging.

She constantly told me she wanted to be my “best friend,” but in reality she treated me like her emotional support person. My parents fought a lot, and she regularly threatened to leave with us. If I cried, she’d yell at me and tell me I had no right to be upset because I wasn’t married to him.

One Sunday she actually left after an argument. I tried to help by making breakfast. She came back an hour later and tore strips off me for “taking over her job.” That moment still sticks with me.

She often compared herself to other parents, saying “terrible parents” were treated better than she was. As the eldest, she confided in me constantly about my father, their marriage, and even told me she suspected he was having homosexual affairs. I carried all of that alone while they’d make up and act like nothing happened.

She did the same with my sisters—complaining about them to me, turning us against each other. Now I don’t speak to one sister at all, and the other struggles with addiction. I’m raising her two youngest children.

Growing up, she disliked every one of my friends’ parents and insisted they thought they were “better than us.” When I met my now‑husband at 16, she hated him and made sure I couldn’t stand his parents either.

She inserted herself into every part of my life. When I played sport, she became president of the club. I was the only kid whose mother stayed for every game. At 15, I asked to attend matches on my own like everyone else. She unleashed torrents of guilt and abuse, accusing me of thinking I was “too good for the family.”

Despite getting all A’s at school and excelling in sport, she never praised me. Even into my 30s she criticised my friends, my husband, and anyone close to me.

I loved my grandmother dearly, but my mother spent my whole life trying to convince me she was better than her—while repeating the same patterns of emotional manipulation and control.

I’m only now starting to understand how much of my life was shaped by her behaviour.

I was just wondering if anyone had one specific incident or moment when it clicked. My Mum visited us last November and stayed overnight (it was an awful visit, she was miserable, didn't engage much with her baby great granddaughter, blamed a pretend bad back for not hugging her young adult grandchildren, got up at 4.30am making lots of noise, switching lights on and off etc). Then the day after she got back I received this text 'Hi, I hope you're feeling better today, I didn't think you looked well, take care'. There was nothing wrong with me! I showed my eldest daughter and she said that's passive aggressive, she wants to bring you down.

We had a subsequent bad visit on 27th Dec but she didn't stay over because we didn't ask her to 😂 then one of her phone calls using that voice a few months ago where she said I'd never liked her since I'd been born.

It was the text that did it for me, but I didn't realise she was CN until very recently after stumbling across the symptoms. Now I'm looking back and seeing the signs everywhere.

Oh my fucking god, this is genuinely one of the weirdest things I’ve ever witnessed.
For context, I’m no contact with my narcissistic mother. My sibling still sees her occasionally, so I hear about what’s going on.
Apparently my mom has recently “discovered” witchcraft and keeps talking about how she’s on this healing journey and finding her true self. Which, on its own, I wouldn’t care about. I have nothing against witchcraft or people who genuinely practice it.
The problem is she’s just using it as a new vehicle for the exact same narcissistic behavior.
Every time my sibling visits, my mom burns sage around them and tells them she’s “cleansing” them of my dad’s negative energy. She claims my dad is an evil presence who’s suppressing my sibling’s “divine power” and that she has to protect them from his aura. Then after my sibling leaves, she apparently goes around the house burning sage again to cleanse the room of any energy my dad supposedly left behind.
She’s also constantly cleansing crystals and talking about everyone’s energy, but somehow every conclusion always circles back to how she’s the enlightened one and my dad is this dark force that’s responsible for everything.
It’s honestly so bizarre to watch. It feels like she just swapped one belief system for another, but the manipulation, self-importance, and need to paint herself as the spiritually awakened victim stayed exactly the same.
Has anyone else’s narcissistic parent latched onto spirituality, witchcraft, crystals, or something similar and just weaponized it? I feel like I’m watching narcissism get a complete rebrand.
Also, just to be clear, my dad isn’t the abusive one here. My mom abused him, and she abused me and my siblings as well. Seeing her paint him as this source of “evil energy” that everyone needs protection from is honestly so disturbing because it’s the complete opposite of reality. It’s like she’s found a new way to rewrite history and cast herself as the enlightened victim while demonizing one of the people she actually hurt.

My parents only got divorced about eight months ago, and ever since then my mom has been in what feels like a never-ending cycle of new relationships. Every new guy is supposedly “the one,” and it’s treated like he’s going to become part of the family. Then a short time later, he’s gone and there’s someone else.
What really bothers me isn’t that she’s dating. Adults can date whoever they want. It’s that my little brother is constantly being exposed to this revolving door of people, and each relationship is presented as something serious before it falls apart. It feels so unstable for a kid.
I’ve even noticed a pattern whenever I happen to see her. I can usually tell whether she’s seeing someone based on her mood alone. If she’s isn’t dating anyone, she seems incredibly down, monotone, and withdrawn. If she is seeing someone new, she’s suddenly euphoric, energetic, and acts like everything in life is amazing again.
It’s honestly unsettling because her entire personality seems to revolve around whether she has a new relationship. It feels like she can’t be content on her own, so every new partner becomes the answer to all of her problems… until the cycle starts over again.
Did anyone else grow up with a parent like this? Looking back, do you think it affected how you viewed relationships or trust?

Hi!

I would like to hear experiences and thoughts from other people, and to know that I'm not alone in my struggles.

I grew up with both my parents, where my mom was (and still is)... Special. You never know what kinda mood she's in. It has gotten better, but as a kid/teen/young adult it was hard. Early in my life I started struggling with mental health issues, and at 21 I got diagnosed with ADD (with indications of autism). My teen years were a nice mix of anxiety, eating disorders and self harm.

Between ages 6-15 I was severely bullied at school, and at home I grew up with a "special needs"-sibling who took a lot of focus from my parents.

My mom have always been very supportive in the bullying situation, and she did everything she could to help me. She's done a lot for me in my life, but at the same time she's been awful. (Sidenote; isn't it funny how I need to praise her before I criticize her?)

About my mental health... It's been incredibly tough.

I was raised with the mentality of "powering through". Yes, they cut me some slack in some ways. But generally my mother couldn't face my struggles, and it often ended up in us (her) fighting. Like when she threatened to sell my horse if I didn't "quit that silly eating disorder crap". Or all the times she told me that "she and dad have asked themselves so many times what they've done wrong for me to end up like this". Let's just say it's been a struggle.

Fast forward to present day; I have a 15 year old stepdaughter and some time ago we learned that she's been struggling with mental health issues for some time. Her main issues is depression and anxiety, and she's now under evaluation for ADHD and autism.

Me, her dad and her mother communicate a lot, and we have a good connection with her mother. Me and the mother have talked a lot, and we've had pretty similar upbringings when it comes to our mothers.

With all of this happening with their daughter, they've gotten instructions from the psych team on how to handle her and her issues. And like ger mother said; "Both you and me have to abandon everything we learned from our own mothers, ignore our learned instincts and do the opposite of what we were taught in this."

And she's 110% right.

I really care about my stepdaughter, and I want to do everything and anything to help her.

But I find myself too often to internally feel conflicted in how to handle it.

I would never handle her like my mother handled me. NEVER.

But, for example, the psych team has said to take the pressure off of her for now. Don't demand things, cut her a lot of slack, just let her be (withing reason). And it's generally not a problem for me/our family. But immediately my brain goes; "Oh dear, she's a teen? We can't just let her do whatever she wants. She needs to have some kind of responsibility. She can't just lazy around and not do shit just because "she's a little low". What's up with today's kids?"

And I really hate that part of myself. I hate how I'm so extremely drilled into some kind of way of thinking how " teens are supposed to be handled".

In all of this, I realize how much my mother's way of handling me had affected me, and it makes me so sad.

What if my mother would've hugged me instead of yelling at me? What if my mother would've comforted me instead of threatening to punish me?

I'm a 30 year old lady, and still feel like a little kid in so many ways when it come to stuff like this.

I don't know what I want to say with this more than it's fucking difficult to ignore everything you were taught growing up. But it's my mission to break this cycle of generational shit.

Je suis tellement épuisée, je viens d’atteindre mes 27 ans et je n’ai rien accomplis de concret de ma vie. Je suis bloquée au niveau du fait de trouver un emploi, j’ai une santé mentale en catastrophe, faible estime de moi même et par dessus tout j’habite encore chez ma mère abusive. Je n’en peux plus et je ne sais plus quoi faire. Je suis fatiguée de tourner en rond ou de toujours revenir au point de départ lorsque je réussis à m’en sortir un peu.

I know this is a safe space, so I'm just going to vent here.

I have a raging narcissistic, emotionally immature mother, and I'm so tired of the same cycle happening over and over. Somehow, no matter what I do, I end up being told I'm a disappointment, a terrible daughter, or a terrible person.

For context, she lives close to me and was gone for a month visiting her home country. Instead of communicating like a normal adult and asking if I could stop by to water her plants or check on her apartment, she came back furious that I didn't voluntarily go over and take care of everything.

How was I supposed to read your mind?

On the surface, this sounds like such a small incident. But this has been the theme of my entire life.

Whenever she's stressed, I become her emotional trash can. Somehow, everything becomes my fault. It feels like she spends every ounce of energy looking for ways to manipulate, guilt-trip, and psychologically wear me down with yelling, anger, and endless criticism over problems that never truly started with me.

It's exhausting because it feels like I'm constantly being graded on a test I was never told I was taking.

An adult child is not supposed to function as a mind reader or an emotional caretaker. If you need help watering your plants or checking on your apartment, ask. If you miss me and want me to visit, tell me.

But don't expect me to fail an expectation that only ever existed inside your own mind.

I think I'm finally beginning to understand where my lack of self and self-worth comes from.

If you're in the same boat, I want you to know this: their unhappiness, their emotional immaturity, and their unwillingness to grow are not yours to carry.

I'm truly sorry if you're living with the same shame, guilt, performance anxiety and constantly fried nervous system. I am so sorry. I see you. You deserved to grow up feeling safe, loved, and enough - not like you had to earn your worth by managing someone else's emotions. These narc people making you believe that you only matter IF you perform for them IS BS. We matter for who we are, NOT what we do for them.

I'm learning to be kinder to myself every day. It isn't easy, but it's getting a little easier.

Sharing this helps.

Thank you for holding this space for me. 🤎

After a huge fight when I found out my mother went into my apartment and threw all of my ADHD medication away (i live in UK where it’s not easily prescribed), I asked for my passports and money she had put in the safe. She wouldn’t return them, so I tried to guess thé code and, when I couldn’t, tried to see if the keys I found worked. They didn’t. So, I called the police and she returned them acting innocent like I was being unreasonable. I block her and go to a hotel. Fast forward to my appointment with my therapist where she informed me my mother had called her saying she couldn’t contact me, I was a danger to myself and others (which is why my therapist had to listen to her), that I was trying to get the gun out of the safe, and that she had called a welfare check on me (she did not). She’s now cut me off financially after promising she would help me pay for my apartment if I came home for a while (and thus had to resign from my job — I kind of hated it anyway, but now hâve no income). Anyway, just needed to vent.