r/NarcissisticMothers

Is my mother a narcissist or am I manipulative? I'm 17F and am living with my parents until I go to college. Just to give some background, my family has always been loving and supportive of me (including my mom). But, in recent years, my relationship with my mother has become on and off. There could be a week out of a month where we nonstop argue about nonsense things, and honestly I can't even remember what the argument was about.

I have ADHD and anxiety, which is very different from my Type A mother (she also has anxiety) who can constantly do work without needing a break. I think having this difference in our personalities/habits is where we really started to having this strain in our relationship. It's hard for me to remember some of these arguments because I'm probably trying to block them out, but some common arguments are about my homework and about my feelings. Because of working with my therapist, I can now talk about my issues without yelling at my mom which I was really glad about. But when I open up to her about how I truly feel about myself she shows me no empathy. She either tries to give me simple "tricks" to make me feel better about myself or shames me in the way I work. Just to preface, I have poor self esteem since having undiagnosed ADHD until 10th Grade. I try my best in staying calm and describing how I feel and how nothing feels right and how lost I am. And at first she shows me emphathy but other times she doesn't. She responds with things like "now you're blaming me and everyone" and "I guess I ruined your life" and "I gave everything to you but you still hate yourself". I do understand where she's coming from because if I were a parent hearing my child say that I would be upset as well. But I try to correst her on this because I tell her it doesn't help and most of the time she responds with "welp I don't know how to help you then" like its a black and white question with a black and white response.

Already having low self-esteem I wonder now if I AM a bad person. Again, I'm not sure what the argument was about (probably about hw or something stupid) but she called ME manipulative. But of course when I brought this up again a couple months ago she had no recollection of this happening. I honestly cant put into words how much this kind of stuff happens and why but that is what Im trying to figure out. Another thing that she'll do that gets under my skin is when she'll show her best friend sooo much empathy about every single day. But when her own daughter that she birthed comes to her expecting nothing but love from her mother? She can't do it. But it confuses me because other times she can but not as much? Again, I understand if shes burnt out from the day because she works in a special ed classroom, but Im her daughter I feel like im not asking much from her.

Maybe Im just extra salty because since she works with special ed students, she should've noticed my symptoms of adhd instead of me bringing it up to her.

I would really appreciate repsonses because i'm feeling very lost and I'm not sure if my feelings are valid

I (46 F) moved (66 F) mother in with me, after my father died. She constantly criticizes me. She done it my whole life, but its worse. it starts “i know its your house but….”. Or its my appearance or i haven’t done something in a way she thinks i should have. And dont say for me to move her out, id LOVE to but she could never afford to live on her own and shes not at a stage where a nursing home is anywhere in the future
I just get so sick of the constant criticism. And nagging.

I don't see my mum a often

My child is at my mums 1 day a week. My mum is very caring towards my child (totally different from my experience from my mum) but I'm happy that my child has this positive relationship with her.

But when I go to pick her up after work and we stay for dinner. My mum constantly tries and takes my daughters attention away from me.

I don't challenge my mum because it always turns into her being vicicous towards me.

How does everyone else, as a mother themselves, deal with their narcissistic mother around their children?

So, where should I start? My mother is narcissistic — or at least, that’s something I realized later. I’m the only daughter, and I have an older brother. She always treated my older brother like the “golden child,” literally. She was never really there for me emotionally during childhood. The only thing she really did was cook for me, but there was no emotional support, nothing deeper.

I was close to my dad, and she would constantly taunt him for being close to me. Over time, she even started saying things implying that my dad was “supporting” me too much. From what I understand now, I’m in my early thirties, and I’ve realized that I’ve spent years trying to let go of all the instances where I felt unsupported by her — emotionally or otherwise. I kept telling myself, “I’ve let it go, I’ve let it go,” but clearly some of it still affects me.

Recently, she said something very hurtful. I moved to another country, and she keeps telling her friends that I “changed” after moving there. She keeps creating these narratives. She knows how much I struggled to get here, yet she told me to come back — almost as if she doesn’t care about my well-being at all. It feels like she doesn’t care about how much I’ve achieved or what I’ve gone through.

What I want to ask is: how do you survive having a narcissistic mother like that, along with an enabling father? My father is a people-pleaser who just wants peace at home. Growing up without a real support system leaves you feeling lost. You don’t even know what “home” is supposed to feel like.

I’m married to a good man, but I still feel this emptiness. Sometimes I ask myself if I even have a family, or if I even have a home.

What do you do in a situation like this?

I am the only child of a narcissistic mom. As a child, I did not know this, but now that I am much older, I do think back on what happened after her divorce, and I see true signs. I am also in therapy once a month, and it was confirmed that she is narcissistic. My mom constantly blamed me for things as a kid. Made me feel guilty, and kept saying I am like my dad. At age 20, I had enough and left and moved away. But that was not the end. Whenever I saw her or talked to her, it came back: the controlling, the guilt-tripping, the arguments or fights over nothing, the secrets she kept from me, and telling me days later when someone passed away. I was not even at the funeral of my own grandmother.

I moved away further, overseas. Overseas. Things did not change. As an only child, I can’t just cut the lines. It's not all that easy.

I got married, I have two kids, and a wife. Nothing changed with mom. If anything, it got to a new level. Controlling when she is with the kids, not liking my wife, and talking badly about her. Making it sound like my wife does not let the kids interact with her. Which was completely ridiculous. Just a pain and a big deal over small things. Everything is a drama.

Constant conspiracy theories about other family members. Everyone betrayed her, and she is nothing but nice and has done so much for me, according to her. Always a victim. Dad passed away. Nothing changed. She talks badly about him to this day.

Never wants me to talk to other family members. And I have no clue why.

Even if we see her once a year, there are fights and arguments. My wife does ONE thing that is a personal boundary for her, and mom freaks out. Cries, tells me I am so changed, and my wife has no manners. Says she cried all night, could not sleep. Shows my wife the cold shoulder. Horrible.

She hoards her money, keeps promising to help and send us some, but nope, it rarely happens. I gave up hope and my expectations.

Yes, I would love to be loved and looked up to for all I have accomplished in my life. It does not happen. Instead, I am being told how good and great she is and all she has ever done.

There is much more to say. I just had to vent.

Feel free to share your opinion, ask your questions, or send me a message. Talking to people that understand feels good. Most of my friends do not. They think she is so friendly and awesome.

Thank you for reading :)

I got a 1,0 in my masters thesis but I can´t find the courage to tell my mum, because after I put myself through Uni and School basically on my own, my mum will still say that I owe the congratulations for my good grades to her. This sucks.

Before, I thought I was an empath because it was in my nature. But now I realize that part of it might stem from having a narcissistic mother. And while I used to be naive and open to everyone, I now react differently depending on the person.

In other words, I try to be selectively empathetic. To be kind with kind people. To stay away from narcissists, grey rock them or confront them (when they are strangers trying to bully me for example. Confrontation drains me thought; It's as if I'm not made for that.)

Anyone else being an empath? How do you manage this?

Mine has been in full blown triangulation mode for the last few weeks. Calling her sister to exaggerate any situation to play victim, going after my adult children telling my son, “you are starting to act just like your Dad” Isolating my daughter to say things like, “your Dad is suppose to be helping me and to think I bought him this juice and Celsius” which I didnt ask for

I’m so disgusted with her on a regular basis I can’t even fake gray rocking I know I must have a look of disgust on my face anytime she is present

…and I’m stating to feel it wearing me down psychically and mentally. I’m losing interest in what once was highlights in my days, I find myself awake much of the night because it’s the only time I have for me time

I just needed to get this off my chest

Ok.. so this is gonna be a long read, sorry 🙄 I left my babys father recently due to it turning into an abusive situation, also wouldn’t work, we ended up homeless. I separated and called my mother to ask if I can stay there until next month when I get paid to get my own apartment with government housing assistance which they said is a quick process. I have to stay with her no more than 7 days due to her apartments being for people over 55. So I’ll be going between her place and my sisters for a few days at a time. I start my new job as a waitress tomorrow until I can get into my cdl classes. Ok so now I’ve explained my situation, I have a problem. She is impossible to deal with or reason with. She’s always angry or yelling at me starting arguments over stupid things like how many clothes to put in the dryer so they dry quicker. Or starting a big argument and being straight up rude over me not rinsing and bleaching out the mop before making new mop water or if I did, I wasn’t doing it correctly. I do loads of laundry and fold and put them away or sit them in her room for her and she will come out and say “these clothes smell like shit, did you even wash them?!!” And then she will put her clothes back in the washer herself and wash them a second time doing it the same way I did. Then leaving them in the dryer for me to fold up AGIAN. Any time she sees me texting someone back (which I try to do quickly) she gets mad and starts huffing and mumbling about me and that damn phone. Which Im barely on because my baby keeps me very very busy. And so does my mom. My daughter is about to turn 1, and she just got over her first ear infection. And my mom is just obsessed with her going to a ENT specialist to see if she may need tubes in her ears. She always thinks there’s something medically wrong with my daughter. But I had a Dr.appointment and the outcome was that I need to get ultrasound of kidneys and bladder because of stones and utis and a x ray of my back because of pain. He also referred me to a breast surgeon to build a case for a medically necessary breast reduction. Also a referral to physical therapy and after my surgery starting ozempic to help with the belly to take more weight off my back. I have a disc degeneration in my lower back a previous dr found. I’m only 31. I shouldn’t have degenerative discs. But she’s pissed because I’m having all these different doctor appointments and I won’t take my baby to a ENT to get tubes after just 1 ear infection. 3 doctors said her ears are fine. She screams and says “F all those appointments you don’t need that you just need to exercise.” Says In a smart ass way “You and all your illnesses, your just so ill all the time, boohoo” and that I need to get her into a ent dr. And I’m not taking care of her because I don’t rush her to a dr every time she sneezes. I’m not trying to look like some Münchausen syndrome case. She will scream and throw a fit until I call and make her an appointment. We went doordashing together the other night. We only did one order for 18$ she screamed and was so effing rude the whole time screaming cause I asked her a question while she was looking at the gps or because she can’t see it’s dark and she’s scared and omg she screamed the whole entire dash. My baby was in the backseat screaming at the top of her lungs as well. I really considered jumping out of a moving vehicle that night. I have severe anxiety and panic disorder to begin with. She makes me feel like I inconvenience everyone and that she thinks I talk shit about her to all her neighbors cause they look at her the wrong way or something, and that I might make her look bad for stupid reasons over dumb little things. She’s so worried about her self image. She obsesses over Ai photos she creates of herself all fancy schmancy and shows them all off to everyone. She talks about me to my sisters. Talks about my sisters to me. She’s constantly cleaning. She mops every 10 minutes. Her black stovetop cannot have any streaks on it when using window cleaner to clean it because it looks like shit. She accuses me of things I didn’t or don’t do. If I’m straightening my hair or putting a little makeup on for the day she’ll ask where I’m going and who’s coming over and stare at me all weird. I feel like I’m not allowed to do anything I can’t even text someone on my phone she gets an attitude. Accuses me of other people of hacking her phone or accounts. Thinks that her phone isn’t really hers. Shes got schizophrenia as well. I’m trying so hard to just keep her happy and clean the house for her and everything but nothing is good enough. I have to deal with this until the 3rd of June when I get paid. Any tips on how I can keep her at bay and keep things neutral? I don’t want all the yelling around my baby and I have NO other choice until then. I’m just grateful I go to stay at my sisters for 4 days after spending 5 or 6 with her. I’ll have some peace for a little bit. But she makes me so uptight when I’m at her house.

I am an only child (F23) and my parents are married still going on 30+ Years (F54) and (M55). I have a good home life, I went to college, have a good job that I really enjoy and all together things feel like they really are working out well.

However, I have this consistent tension between my mother and I, which yeah I’d say is normal for a mother and daughter relationship to have stress and tension. However the fights and arguments we end up having feel like very once sided emotional warfare between the two of us.

Ever since I was little, if I did something that she perceived as being wrong or something that hurt her feelings. Instead of actually saying anything to me, she would give me the cold shoulder, shut down and not interact with me beyond quick, short and emotionless responses.

She tends to hold onto things that upset her until I have prompted a response from her multiple times if she was okay or not, usually without me ever being aware of what could have possibly caused this turmoil in the first place. Even when asked “are you okay?” “Did something happen?” She continues to respond “I’m fine.” In a very monotone voice while she refuses to make eye contact, usually just plays a game on her phone while I’m trying to ask if she’s okay.

If I walk away and let it be, she gets upset with me that I “didn’t care enough” but if I keep pushing an answer she also gets upset that I keep asking her.

It 100% of the time turns into a fight where there’s crying, yelling, and so much guilt tripping and I usually end up just sitting there letting her unleash every single thing I’ve apparently hurt her feelings with over the past like 2 weeks.

I’ll ask her to please just tell me when I hurt her feelings rather then holding onto it for so long, that it could be resolved so much quicker without an entire fight if she would just tell me ):

Most of the time it’s such trivial stuff too, like she tried to show me something while I was actively helping my father with something and was not giving her 100% of my attention. I’ll express to her that I’m busy but that I’d like to see it in a moment, and she will get up, leave and then start to sulk until I press the answer out of her, in which it will turn into a whole fight as usual.

I’ve set boundaries before on simple things, like “please don’t make that joke about me anymore.” When she continues to make a joke about something embarrassing I did to all of her friends and our family. I’ll ask her to please stop, (in private, I’m not about calling her out in front of everyone.) and we will get in a fight since she just thought she was being funny, and will immediately go down the path of “because you won’t let me make that joke, I won’t ever make a joke ever again around you about anything at all.”

We constantly go back and fourth on these extremes, she does something that I kindly ask her if she would please not do that anymore, and instead of going “oh yeah I’m sorry I didn’t know you didn’t like that.” It’s “I will never do this or anything even remotely like it ever again if you are around.” And it’s more in the sense of punishing me with it rather than just agreeing not to do it because it makes me uncomfortable.

Example of this, for my graduation, a few days in advanced I had privately spoken to her about taking pictures AT the graduation ceremony. I told her that I was fine with her taking pictures but if we could not turn it into a whole photo shoot then and there.

I was honest with her and told her that I will be overwhelmed and overstimulated with thousands of people around, I’ll have heels on and I’ll be tired and irritable. And that I’d much rather just come back and get pictures another day when it can be much more relaxed.

The day of the event, sure enough I was getting overwhelmed with so many people around me, my mother was ready to get the same photo in 20 different versions, with my cap, without it, with the cap and diploma, without them, with my friend, with both my friends, with my prof, without them.

After about 20-25 pictures that I cooperated on, I could see my friends also getting tired of walking around from spot to spot, they were ready to go, I was also ready to go, my feet hurt and I wanted nothing more then to just get out of the graduation robe and get in the car.

I get it, I’m an only child, she’s my mom and I’m her kid, she’s unbelievably proud. But crossing boundaries just because she wanted the pictures right then was something that I didn’t appreciate. I never said anything mean, just asked if we could start to wrap it up since I was getting tired.

And just like that a switch flipped and she suddenly just agreed to stop and go to the car.

It wasn’t until 6 hours later when we were at dinner with my friend that she had knocked over my drink at the dinner table.

I had told her it was okay, I laughed and smiled and said a bunch of times that it was a-okay! And she started to get upset. She wouldn’t speak to me, wouldn’t look at me, we drove home in absolute silence, this night that was supposed to be fun and a celebration of my graduation, very quickly turned into “what happened? What did I do wrong?” And her refusing to answer me. It made my friend uncomfortable and it wasn’t until almost an entire day later that my friend went home and I finally just went in to go have the argument that I knew had to happen with how cold she was being.

And sure enough it was about the pictures. She started to cry and get upset, told me that after all she did to support me and be my mom and put a roof over my head, the least I could do was seem excited about getting pictures (despite the fact I let her take like 25 pictures, with a smile on my face as I hustled around in heels that were burning my feet and a dress on in like 20° weather since I graduated in December.)

She crossed a boundary I very clearly expressed days in advanced, which she agreed on! And she still got upset with me. We had a whole fight where I let her just yell at me while I sat there, and it finally derailed to “I’ll never take any pictures of you ever again, people won’t even know you exist since I won’t have pictures to show.”

Genuinely that is the route she went down.

I’ve since talked her down off that ledge by giving a bunch of apologies for things that I honestly believe I shouldn’t be apologizing for…

She’s never once given me an apology without the string attached, every single time she “apologizes” it’s always loaded with something else.

“I’m sorry I was just proud of you, I won’t take a picture of you ever again.”

“I’m sorry you thought I didn’t care, I’ll stop trying to interact as much.”

“I’m sorry you perceived my joke as being hurtful, I’ll never make a joke again.”

That’s the trend every single time. It never changes and I constantly feel like I’m in the wrong, that I’m the problem and that I should be the one working on myself…

Which yeah, I probably need to. I have a lot more maturing to do and I realize that. I know I’m no saint in this, I’ve absolutely said and done things that I’ve realized after the fact were kinda mean. But there’s also so many things that I am so sure I wasn’t in the wrong for… Yet I let her yell at me like I was.

We get in fights a lot (verbal), and I genuinely am at a point where if I have a problem with something that doesn’t actually involve her, I am terrified to bring it up to her, since I don’t want to get in a fight.

I’m scared to bring it up if it does involve her too, but I’m already braced for those to turn into a fight.

Thanks for reading this rambling of a very normal mother daughter bond that’s just got a little bit of salt sprinkled in…

Unsure if I’m looking for affirmations or if I just want someone to read and go “haha yeah my mom does that too.” Since I love my mom I really do, but this whole argument thing makes it so hard.

I do still live with her btw, this job market and housing market is insane right now, so it’s much easier to save up at home. She continues to tell me to stay at the house which I’m forever thankful for.

I have a great relationship with my parents, don’t get that wrong, I’d do anything for them, just have a bit of a rocky emotional issues with my momma which I’d love some advice on. <3

I grieve the mother I wish I had.

My best friend is going through a breakup right now with a boy who didn't always treat her right. I am the witness of her and her family offering her unconditional love and support. My friend got an abortion with this boyfriend, and her mother was not angry and disappointed in her. Her grandma said she had 6 abortion in her life and not to fret and her aunt visited her at the hospital with flowers and not one of them made her feel guilty. They made her laugh. They loved her through her expereince.

What a beautiful thing to have a community of women who see you and protect you. I am happy for her AND also grieve what I will never have.

I had an abortion 6 years ago with a toxic ex, I told my mother about it months after it happened, despite knowing I shouldnt have. I told her on the phone and she went dead silent and said she had to go. She expressed how complicated angry and disappointed it made her feel.

Isnt it worse to have the baby of a man who wasn't good to me? I dont get it. When maybe moments I needed my mother to see ME and love me despite her feelings she could never quite do it.

When I was 19 I moved back home because I was broke, and I developed severe health issues I needed time to sort out. My mother was kind to let me come back. I was previously modeling in NYC. But when I moved home, she made it clear that I was a disappointment. That my life decisions are not what she wanted for me. That I needed to go to college to get a 9-5 and live like everyone else. Which is hilarious because my mother did NOT prepare me for the real world. She didnt care about my education.

Anyway, During this period I met a boy, and we dated for about a year. This boy wasn't someone she liked for me, and maybe he wasn't right for me. Maybe she was right, but instead of allowing me to figure it out and have my mother to fall back to and hold me. She kicked me out, threw all my things ont he front lawn and told me to go live with my boyfriend. She said I chose him over her. Anytime she didnt agree with my choices, she often used it against me. During that time I moved in with his family during covid and was left isolated and alone. My mother cut contact with me for a year. My vulerablitlies never had a safe place to land.

Im watching my friend who is with a boy who has made some bad decisions, my friend got brave and told her family. They are loving her through it, telling her to choose/love herself. But even if she stayed with him, her family would treat him nicely because they know they have to keep her close. They never throw her away.

Even last year, my mother cut me off for 8 months because my partner (different one than before) and I got married. We'd known each other for 1.5 years at that point. We simply fell in love and tied the knot.There was no wedding, I dont have traditional values. I dont believe marriage is proof that my relationship is valid. To me a lot ofweddings feel performative. I didn't want to live with my husband yet, the first years of marriage we lived apart because I wanted to live in my own girl room before we moved in together long term. I value my independence and trust my own internal compass. My partner and I respected this. My mother projected her opinons on me and said that my relationship was fake because didnt live together yet.

I love my partner, he treats me so incredibly well. I feel valued and so lucky to be so loved. After I annoucned we were tyingt he knot. My mother cut me off because I didn't include her on the "wedding" we never had. Granted they had not met yet, and I could have introducted the idea of us getting married better. I can admit my faults. We also got married legally quicker than we would have because hes not american. Hes from another country. We offered to speak to her, to alleviate any concerns. she thought he was using me. she refused to meet or speak to him.Not to mention she went to my siblings and spoke poorly about me, my mother poisioned the introduction of my lover to my family. Now their meeting will be tinted with judgement and drama. Telling them all my business and spoke about my partner like he was some strange man from a strange land rather than a man who lives in a different country than us. Hes a human I felll in love with. As if I had wronged her.. PLent of people meet someone fall in lvoe and get married quickly, shouldnt she be happy I met someone so good? That im loved loudly? Proudly?

She always wanted me to be this normal girl. College, regular job, house, husband, kids. I dont want that. I want a life of freedom, travel, creativity exploration independence and adventure. I want to be a creator. Why is the wayI am not enough?

I’m having trouble even trying to name the abuse or explain the dynamic I have with my mother so I’m hoping other people might help me understand, or even relate on some level and share some insight.

For as long as I remember, I’ve always felt terrified of my my mother. Growing up, she was extremely volatile, she would scream at me and my siblings over very minor things, give us the silent treatment for weeks at a time if we were “bad” and just has never provided us with any kind of emotional safety at all. Never hugged or kissed us, never been told “I love you”. Even now, though she’s less shouty, she still will regularly stone wall or give us the silent treatment if we’ve done something that upsets her, she’s not someone I feel safe enough to open up to or express my true feelings to.

The dynamic in my family is that she rules the roost, we never say how we truly feel around her, what she says goes & we all just jump whenever she says how high because displeasing her is too much hassle to cope with.

I’ve watched her verbally abuse my father since I was little, distance him from his family, & cheat on him multiple times and while she’d have different men at the house while he was away, she’d make us swear to never mention it to my dad. She ridicules him in front of us, my dad had a huge health scare a couple of years ago & she showed zero comfort & regularly said he was “milking it”

We’re all adults now, but the dynamic is still the exact same, we all cater to her every need. My dad does all her washing, and cooking (she doesn’t even know how to work the washing machine or oven because she’s never needed to, someone has always done it for her) - I do a deep clean of their house every single week, if I’m staying with her she expects her bed to be made every single day, she’ll shout for things from her bedroom, get me a drink, grab me this - she even calls me into her bedroom to get her tablets out from the drawer in there and hand them to her. She has no physical disabilities & is healthy, and I feel like her carer. Everyone is just expected to cater to her every need, and it’s like we all blindly do it - because there’s this feeling of superiority with her, that her needs outweigh all of ours. She does nothing for herself, any personal admin falls to me, like it’s my responsibility.

When we were younger, my mum and dad split up for a few years and during that time all the housework fell onto me and my siblings - from the age of about 6 I was making sure my own packed lunch was sorted, my sister would wash and iron my uniform, she’d make dinner for her siblings and my mum and she has just never ever shown up for us in the way I feel that a mum should.

This all seemed relatively normal to me until my current partner witnessed her around me and he said this behaviour absolutely isn’t normal and he’s never seen a grown woman treat her children this way, he said I acted like I was her servant and only now am I realising that that’s what it feels like - there’s no appreciation just expectation.

I’m growing so unbelievably tired of it and I’m considering going no contact, I’m slowly trying to distance myself but I also know that not speaking to my mum means not speaking to any family members that currently still speak to her, because she just wouldn’t allow it, she’d see them speaking to me as a betrayal. I just feel so confused, I have moments of wondering if I’m being dramatic and this is just what children do for their parents - and I understand caring for them, but this is lifelong & my mum is 50 and in good health, it just feels like I actually don’t know what my boundaries are anymore because they’ve been crossed so many times.

Has anyone else experienced this dynamic with their mother? How did you escape it or challenge it?

To be honest, she’s an extremely defensive person so I don’t ever think I would challenge it because I know there would never be an outcome where she looked inwards and worked on showing up for us better.

I’m just tired and have emotionally checked out, I don’t feel a deep love for her, I just grieve a mother I wish I’d had to be honest. I watch my partners mother support him and comfort him, even just getting up and offering him a tea when we’re around, and it just makes me sad because I have never experienced having a mother that cares for me and it’s quite an uncomfortable and confronting realisation.

Been a few years since I realized my mom's a covert narc (she's been NC with me for 1.5 years, her choice, nothing happened and we didn't have a fight).

Sometimes I bring her up in therapy and last time my psychologist asked me who are the important people in my mom's life and I automatically, on autopilot, said "No one. She doesn't consider anyone as an important person in her life".

And then it it hit me. My mom doesn't love and value any single person in her entire family. This includes her own mother, sister, her own husband and children..... She has devalued absolutely everyone over the years and it's insane.

She does have one friend she consistently places on a pedestal and takes me to see her so her friend can tell my mom how awesome I am and how amazing it must be to have an adult daughter (she herself has two sons). Come to think of it, my mom cut me off sometime after we went to go visit that friend, who asked me some personal questions about my life and I answered honestly, and my mom was taken aback she didn't know these things about me (she never asks me anything, we don't have real adult conversations, ever).

This realization was so mind blowing to me. Like, it's not all my fault, it's not just me, she's incapable of loving family.

I just finished my first year of law school and my mom flew out to visit me. Things had honestly seemed okay between us before this. We talked regularly while I was away at school, and although we have definitely had issues in the past, I thought we were in a relatively good place.

During the visit I decided to finally tell her that I am in a serious long distance relationship. This is not a random person I met online a month ago. We were together in person before I moved, and after I left for school we decided to continue the relationship long distance. I love him very much, he has been a huge source of support during law school, and I genuinely see a future with him.

I expected the conversation might be emotional or awkward, but I was completely unprepared for how she reacted. She immediately became extremely angry and started saying really cruel things about me, him, and the relationship. She told me I was delusional, that I was living in a fake reality, and that I was ruining my life. She also started bringing up every grievance she has apparently had with me since I moved away for school, including multiple things she had explicitly told me were okay before. It felt like years of resentment suddenly came pouring out all at once.

The conversation went on for hours. I cried a lot. I tried explaining myself, reassuring her, defending my relationship, and asking her to stop insulting me, but nothing seemed to matter. At a certain point I felt so overwhelmed and emotionally cornered in my own apartment that I finally told her to pack up and leave.
She flew home early and now will not speak to me. The last things she said to me were that I live in a “deluded reality” and that I would “never be forgiven” for this.

I think what is really messing with me is that I genuinely did not think this would be treated like some catastrophic betrayal. I understand parents not loving every decision their adult children make, but I never imagined telling my mother about someone I love would end with her speaking to me this way and cutting me off.

Right now I mostly just feel hurt, confused, guilty, and honestly kind of numb.

I just need advice on how to get through this 😞

Every time my mother argues with me, she reminds me that if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have my beauty, my long hair, or my body shape. She blames me for ruining her youthful appearance because, according to her, her pregnancy with me was the worst one. She says I "sucked the life" out of her skin and that I should be grateful for the nine months she carried me.

My mother believes she has the right to walk in on me while I'm in the bathroom, changing clothes, or even sleeping. She has these disturbing, paranoid episodes in the middle of the night where she convinces herself that I’ve had sex with someone. She’ll barge into my room at 3 a.m., pull my clothes off, and inspect my private parts to see if I’ve “lost my virginity.”

If I come home late, she forces me to undress so she can check my underwear and look for hickeys on my body. She also forces me to sit with her while she showers, making me stay there the entire time. Whenever I tell her how uncomfortable it makes me, she says, “This is the body that carried you. I’m your mother, you shouldn’t be disgusted by me.”

At this point, I genuinely believe something is deeply wrong with her mentally. This isn’t even the worst thing she’s done. This is only one chapter of the story.

I’m tired.

So sorry this is long im so angry and upset. I could use any kind words or opinions right now.

Me and him have been dating for about 8 years we are engaged and are getting married in 2027. We have known each other since high-school. She met him maybe twice in high-school because she had kicked me out at 16. She kicked me out because I called out her pdf husband (step dad) she choose him over me. That will give you some clue as to how she is.

I went no contact for years, until recently the past two years she came back into my life. The only reason why I let her back in was to see my younger sibling and she lives with my older sister who I am very close with. If i want to see either of my siblings I have to see my mother. Shes in the middle of getting a divorce. I see my siblings probably once every 2 months even though we live closer then ever because of her.

Well the first time it happened was on me and my sister's birthday party/ sleepover. We have a birthday in the same month. We decided to play games and watch movies obviously with our partners. It was fun but my mother wouldn't stop hugging up on my bf. She would say things like "wow your so handsome." And touch his face. My bf dose not do well in these types of situations he freezes. I had told her to stop and she laughed and said "gosh dont be weird hes going to be my son!"

Another example is she would touch his arms and tell him to flex for her and then she would talk about how he is such a hard worker ect. My mother is bipolar and is very uhhh explosive if its not going her way. She will literally play victim and tell us were attacking her and that we're triggering her PTSD. She will work her self up so much that half he face will start drooping. We have taken her to the er so many times but its just how her body reacts to stress.

So to prevent a big out burst he will VERY UNCOMFORTABLY go along with it. You can see it written all over his face. I will tell her to stop again and she just laughs it off. We went over for my younger siblings birthday. He wanted to play DnD and go to 6 flags the next day. So we stayed the night to all go together in the morning.

While my bf was DMing she came up to him and literally fed him off her fork. While having her other hand on his shoulder. Literally mid conversation just shoved the fork in his mouth. She then looked at me and said "wow hes a good eater i should make him more homemade meals".

I dont cook often because im disabled. Mind you we had already cooked and ate dinner. She literally went into the kitchen after dinner to make a STUFFED CHICKEN. that no one but her ate and yes she had dinner with us. She went out of her way for that!!.

Whenwere at 6 flags and im in one of the scooters. It was easier then my bf pushing me around in my wheelchair. He went to go get me a drink while me and my sister are talking she noticed my mom left to go follow him and she TRIED TO CLING TO HIM??!. I watched him pull away from her. From where we were at i could hear her "comeon T common, what are you going to get?" Trying to pull on him like a little girl who has a crush.

She DOES NOT act like that for my sisters husband AT ALL. She even went as far to steal some food off his plate without asking and his drink. Thats not even the worst of it. She has been whereing more skin tight clothing and bragging about her body. She is very very VERY THIN. Im not im very curvy and she constantly brings it up.

My boyfriend has gotten to the point to where he cant hold back anymore, and me and my siblings telling her to stop isn't working. Im not worried he going to hurt her but I am worried hes gonna cause her to flip shit. My sister is currently pregnant. She has had multiple miscarriages due to the stress my mother puts on her when she explodes. My mother has once threatened to leave and pull our younger sibling out of school when hes doing so good academically. His school is thinking about . multiple different scholarship programs he could get into. Their just trying to find the right one since hes in so many activities.

I dont doubt she would do it to because she did that to me. Im so angry and frustrated I literally can't wait for her to die i hate her so much she literally ruins everything. Im debating just literally rocking her shit like I did my biological father, but thats when I was younger I dont know if i can even physically beat her shit due to being disabled.

I’m wondering how your NC/LC started? Was it something you enforced or did it just happen?

I called my mother out on poor behaviour a few weeks ago. This resulted in an emotional explosion which I disengaged from. The usual crap now - how she is a victim and I am the villain. Of course, no apology or healthy conflict resolution.

I did not respond to her last venomous message and I’ve heard nothing since then. She is a covert narc that always did like the silent treatment.

Any words of wisdom?

Does anyone else's mom try to stir up shit when things are calm? It's happened so many times now that it has to be a pattern. It's like every 6 months she wants to trigger me into losing my shit and unfortunately I take the bait every time. Today for example, she wakes up and is asking for me to help pay for the electricity bill, I've helped before but I told her right now I'm not sure cause I just paid for the car, our phone, our Internet. She didn't take too kind to that and went to her default mode of "well you can just move out then!" Trust me, if I could I would. I unfortunately don't make enough at my job and there's no way I could get a place on my own. I help pay other bills but in her mind, I don't help her with anything even though I also do all the housework and yardwork. She got fired from another job last September and since then she vowed she wasn't going to return to work and will retire. She legit just sits on her ass all day and plays Candy Crush but here I am with a full time job and a side hustle that is sometimes fruitful. She complains her retirement isn't enough but no one told her to retire! I'm venting but oh my god I wish I was in a better situation where I could leave her and never look back. At this point I'm hoping the cigarettes and sitting on her ass speeds up the inevitable process cause maybe that's when I'll finally start being able to live.

I just found this group today. I hope you can help me figure out if I was in the wrong or if my mom has just driven me to the point of feeling like I'm insane.

In April 2024, my husband broke up with me. Shortly after that, I was forced to move back in with my Mom and brother in June of that year. Things didn't go well while I was living there. Even though I was told I could always come back home, the same patterns from my selfish mom were still there from when I had moved out when I was 19. And my brother has basically become a recluse unless he had to go to work.

It came up that my mom was scheduling her surgery at a time when I was still recovering from my knee-replacement surgery and wasn't cleared to drive or lift a lot of weight yet. Which didn't help since she was going to be a fall risk. I was also going to be out of town for a conference and was basically completely unavailable. I told her that and she scheduled the surgery anyway.

I was working on trying to find someone to stay with her while my brother was at work, since he couldn't get off either, so she wouldn't be alone. She kept telling me it had to be me and that I owed nothing to the people at the conference I couldn't get out of that weekend.

She got my brother to talk to me that evening about it, and it led into a bad argument that led to him saying some awful things to me and saying he no longer had a sister. Now angry, I confronted him and told him he couldn't talk to me like that. He shoved me, I shoved him back. He tried to hit me and I held him back. He tore my shirt as he forced me backwards and then started choking me screaming in my face "Is this what you want!"

I don't know how long I was on the floor, but I do remember his asking me if I was scared. I told me no. He said I should be and I told him "F*ck you" and she squeezed tighter. I didn't black out, but I kept trying to fight him off of me. He eventually let go and I kicked him off of me. That's when our mom came out asking what was happening. She saw me on the floor with my shirt torn, and I told her what happened while getting up.

She basically blamed me for what happened and told me to stop trying to help after talking to my brother. We argued for a while and she basically said if I leave to go anywhere that isn't work, to leave my key.

I eventually contacted my friend to let them know what had happened and they said I needed to call the police. I told them with tears in my eyes that I couldn't. They then made another call, called me back, and said to pack what I needed and to come to them. And I did that and haven't talked to my Mom and brother since.

I did get the authorities involved, but my family basically lied and said mybrother was fighting me off of him and my mom saw the whole thing. The officier on the case didn't get the evidence from the forensic nurse because he didn't want to drive that far away. My brother ended up pressing charges against me and I had to drop them since nothing I said was being believed. But then I had to do therapy, which I'd been doing for year, and show I was taking my meds, which I'd also been doing for years, for 6 months and give them the proof that I had done so, along with the forensic evidence, and then my charges would be

dropped.

I eventually got my stuff out of that house and haven't talked to either of them since. My mom attempted to contact me after my cat died, but I had my phone blocking all communication so I missed it until recently when I changed the settings and saw the messages. But she also turned it back be about her by saying her cat also died and she was still sad about it.

It's been 2 years since everything happened, and I'm still having nightmares, anxiety, and fear that they will find me. I've forgiven them, but I can't get over the betrayal of my family. I lost everything in a few months time and it feels like everyone else can live their lives except me.

So what do I do now? I have a boyfriend who absolutely adores me and is helping me work through all of this. He was also there for me with the court case too. But I still have so much anxiety and fear that I'm dealing with.

Should I try to contact my mom? Should I keep the no-contact going? Am I in the wrong for all of this? Did I bring this on myself somehow? I don't know.

I just know this happened to me by my own brother, that used to see me as a second mother, and I have no idea how to unpack that. I also don't know how to unpack that my mom took my brother's side after seeing me on the floor with my shirt torn and freaking out.

There are days I think I brought this on myself. But I really don't know anymore.