u/Ponyo0o_

She recently underwent major surgery. Although it was elective, like any procedure involving general anaesthesia and surgery, it came with risks. Naturally, she would be weak afterward and need help being taken care of.

She sent me the hospital location the night before. I saw it and ignored it. I did not want to go—not out of spite; I just couldn't fake being worried about her. The truth is, I'm not. After everything she has done to me, I no longer feel the same empathy toward her that I would normally feel toward another person.

I texted the neighbour who went with her and asked her to let me know if my mother woke up and was okay. That was it. I went about my day.

I had cancer as a child, so I know what it feels like to wake up after surgery feeling vulnerable, in pain, and in need of someone. When I heard that nobody had come to visit her—not even her "flying monkey," my brother—I started to cry. The image of her waking up with nobody by her side was incredibly painful for me to think about.

Later that day, I decided to stop by before she was discharged. I could tell that her ego had taken a big hit because she had not expected six of her children not to show up. For the first time, I felt strange about the boundaries I had put in place with my mother and started questioning myself.

I'm 26 years old, and it took years and years of abuse for me to reach this point. My mother physically abused me as a child and emotionally abused me as an adult. She has also turned my father against me several times. I have financially supported her despite the abuse, yet she still damaged my relationships with my father, my siblings, and even myself.

It was always for my own sake, to be liked and accepted by people, every time I do it what I’m really thinking about is how this person is going to perceive me and if they’ll like me after I do this for them, of course a part of me does want to help them but really the root of it is very selfish. I have a fear of being visible or losing control of how people see me it is a common theme for me hence why i am also an avoidant and someone who hates conflict. I don’t know how to go on about this, people always tell me that I’m nice which causes 2 reactions first is the instant relief, then it sits with me that they don’t see that I do this for my sake rather than their own. Pushing back, setting a boundary, showing my real authentic self with my flaws causes a deep sense of fear and rejection. and because of this I know that I can harm people…

People pleasing is a form of self isolation, it’s the way to never allow yourself to form real relationships. Nothing feels meaningful and even those who try to get close are always pushed away or treated with excessive pleasing that turns them away. The thing that I’ve been told that when people love you they love you at your lowest too, they want to go through it all with you (conflict, vulnerability and dependency) this is what is needed to form relationships that last forever. I know this logically , but I can’t imagine it, like what does it feel like to let loose and be me and how will people feel.

If you’re a people pleaser and think that you’re not selfish it’s okay it might be stemming from something else. If you feel exposed by my statement then it’s worth looking into it. This is a tiring way to go on…

It was always for my own sake, to be liked and accepted by people, every time I do it what I’m really thinking about is how this person is going to perceive me and if they’ll like me after I do this for them, of course a part of me does want to help them but really the root of it is very selfish. I have a fear of being visible or losing control of how people see me it is a common theme for me hence why i am also an avoidant and someone who hates conflict. I don’t know how to go on about this, people always tell me that I’m nice which causes 2 reactions first is the instant relief, then it sits with me that they don’t see that I do this for my sake rather than their own. Pushing back, setting a boundary, showing my real authentic self with my flaws causes a deep sense of fear and rejection. and because of this I know that I can harm people…

People pleasing is a form of self isolation, it’s the way to never allow yourself to form real relationships. Nothing feels meaningful and even those who try to get close are always pushed away or treated with excessive pleasing that turns them away. The thing that I’ve been told that when people love you they love you at your lowest too, they want to go through it all with you (conflict, vulnerability and dependency) this is what is needed to form relationships that last forever. I know this logically , but I can’t imagine it, like what does it feel like to let loose and be me and how will people feel.

If you’re a people pleaser and think that you’re not selfish it’s okay it might be stemming from something else. If you feel exposed by my statement then it’s worth looking into it. This is a tiring way to go on…

I’ve always noticed this pattern with friendship and situationships, I’m usually very “nice” and can do small talk well which charms people, once the other person rightfully reciprocates, I feel a hint of genuine connection, I suddenly feel this nagging urge to reject them, ghost them, or just switch up. I know this sounds horrible but it’s the truth and I do it subconsciously. I’ve been thinking why ? because deep down I crave connection so badly but my behavior doesn’t make sense. at first I thought I’m just an avoidant and I need space. True to some extent but I knew there was something deeper.

I realized that I have a fear of being seen with no control, the closer you get to someone the more likely they will see you for who you are and that’s how people get close. To me this thought alone scares me, I feel physically threatened and mentally trapped with the idea of someone perceiving me without me being the one who controls the emotions. Because what if they end up not liking me or seeing me differently. Very childish, very sad too. I am a friend to all who can never have a deep conversation with anybody because I sabotage every potential opportunity to foster a friendship.

This is a trauma response as I learned and there are triggers that I noticed for me:
\- if someone expresses strong emotions to me
\- if I feel like I’m needed by them
\- if they genuinely like me and I feel a sense of sincerity and purity, I get so scared
\- arguments
\- physical connection ( like sex)
\- and if they constantly need reassurance

I know some suffer a lot with people like me and to be frank, when I cut people off I do it with the sole purpose of protecting my emotions, i know that this person is hurting because of me and it makes me hate myself a lot, which then triggers more avoidance. These people don’t deserve to be rejected for being human, and I’m sorry I really am. I never wish to intentionally harm someone but I cannot deny that this pattern is toxic and needs to be addressed.

I’m a child of a narcissistic mother with a lot of emotional abuse. I wanna get better and I wanna be okay with showing me, with my flaws. I’m crying as I’m writing this because i feel like I’m trapping myself
Any tips of how to start working on this ?