r/DarkPsychology101

At the heading says , my best way is repeating what ever the opposite person said or paraphrase it . To make them feel I understood and then give my opinion.

I think I did something kind of unprecedented with my narcissistic ex and I need someone to explain the psychology behind it because I genuinely think I interrupted the final discard and made everything worse.

We had a huge fight and he finally left my apartment after weeks of chaos. Calling me crazy, threatening smear campaigns, trying to break my phone, involving police, all of it. Then he disappeared for two weeks like I never existed.

During those two weeks my brother tried to un***ve himself 😓. He’s been dealing with the grief of our dad dying in February.

I think that context matters because emotionally I was drowning. I just needed ONE thing in my life to stop hurting so I reached out through mutual friends trying to get my ex to contact me. My ex got the messages but NEVER REACHED OUT. I needed something familiar. Something grounding. Instead I found out he was apparently all over the city sleeping with everybody, hanging out with people he swore he hated, acting single while I was grieving and losing my fucking mind.

So out of anger and humiliation I made a dating (hook-up) profile just to force myself back into reality again. No identifying pictures or anything. I wasn’t even trying to seriously date yet.

Guess who messages me?

Him. My fucking Narcissist.

Mr. “I would never cheat on you.” Whole dating profile active and clearly not new either. I was honestly sick reading it because suddenly every gut feeling I ever had made sense. I entertained it just to see how he talked to people and how far he’d go. He gave me the address where he was staying and when I showed up he looked like he saw a ghost.

I told him about my brother and somehow we ended up trying again.

Biggest mistake of my life. HUGE.

What followed was the absolute worst phase of our relationship. He’s colder. Meaner. More distant. No sex. No chemistry. Constant tension. Constant lying and gaslighting. It felt like emotionally he had already discarded me and I dragged the relationship back to life anyway because I was desperate for comfort during one of the worst moments of my life.

Now I’m wondering if interrupting the discard made him resent me more. Like I forced a dead relationship to keep breathing for a few extra miserable months. Did he come back just because he needed a place to stay? When I go to work, he’s gone for all hours of the day and night. He always has some weird excuse as to where he’s been or what he’s been doing. What unwritten role have I broken by interrupting the final discard?

Has anyone else ever experienced this?

even the same person anymore he turned from so soft and gentle and loving to stone cold im afraid if i pull back and focus on me too he'll run even further i also dont wanna cater too much to him because hes been beyond unforgivable lately hes cruel but im also kinda to blame i used to be so harsh and unforgiving whenever he lied and he lied for everything

Becoming respected through kindness alone is a beautiful yet naive strategy, because respect without fear demands discipline.

Despite your flaws, you did all you could to be the best partner possible for your ex.

You always offered assurance, love, and stood by his side no matter how hard it was on your end.

Until you realized he cheated on you with the girl who was merely a “friend.”

The psychology behind this?

Humans fear far more disappointing a leader with power rather than a leader who merely loves, because prehistoric humans were evolutionarily programmed to evade immediate danger than disappointing their clanmates.

It was meant to be a survival mechanism for humans.

It does not necessarily make us all bad people, although in an infidelity scenario it definitely screams lack of character from your ex.

What if I told you that kindness and affection causes people to resent you in the long term?

Assume you had a son that you gave consistently to, rejecting your needs in the process.

The moment you decide to consider for yourself or no longer have the resources, your son will forget all the privileges you gave and instead bash you.

This is because respect without fear demands discipline.

Here is a true story of mine.

Back in highschool, I was so desperate to fit in with a group of friends that I lent them cash and shared cigarettes with them just to get their attention.

Pathetically, I went as far as letting myself get ripped off for vapes by them because I was desperate for validation.

When I finally decided to stop serving them, they treated it like it was betrayal.

During a messaging spree with one of them, I asked a series of questions why he kept taking advantage of me, what was the root cause of the behavior, and what kept him from feeling any remorse.

Despite efforts for constructive conversation, he began lashing out, especially after asking him if he began feeling worse about himself after getting cheated on by his ex.

Despite recoiling in fear for a minute or two, I grabbed the courage and forced him to confront his low self-worth.

I told him to go ahead and spread the most pathetic rumors about me or get his pals to beat me at school.

Behind the "tough guy" persona, was a sobbing little boy that never got the love he needed when he was a child.

He bullies as a tactic of self-deception for avoiding confronting the void within him, to lie to himself that hes strong when everyday hes only centimeters away from being broken apart.

The moment silence becomes his mere companion the feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred return with a vengeance.

Because his bullying was merely self-avoidance and never solved his core issues, I told him that suicide would be the only permanent antidote to his struggles.

Specifically, I encouraged a painless death through overdose of acetaminophen.

That way, he can put himself into a deep, peaceful, and permanent sleep where the pain will truly be no more.

I was not acting out of hatred.

This was mere strategy to declare independence.

After that, nothing bad happened at school for the rest of the semester.

The friends, or bullies that used me as a doormat were now scared to look me in the eye.

My boundaries were now acknowledged.

This was when I learned fear breeds respect, as long as you do not abuse the control you have over others.

Niccolo Machiavelli, author of the Prince, wrote in his book that it is much safer to be feared than loved, as long as you avoid being hated.

Kindness must be strategic to be respected.

Boys are nice and get treated like doormats.

True men are monsters that choose to consider for others.

Being appreciated without being feared demands higher emotional maturity and meta awareness from others, which most do not have.

People don't become emotionally unavailable because they're cold or broken or incapable of love.

They become unavailable because they were available once.

Completely. Fully. Dangerously open.

And they got destroyed for it.

So they learn. Slowly. Without announcing it.

They stop calling first — not because they don't want to, but because they finally noticed the pattern.

They were always the one calling first.

Always checking in. Always showing up.

And the moment they quietly stopped —

Nobody noticed.

That kind of silence changes a person permanently.

And here's the darkest part — it works.

Teaching yourself not to need anyone actually works as a survival strategy.

The loneliness is brutal. But it's predictable.

And predictable pain is significantly easier to manage than the specific agony of being let down by someone you genuinely loved.

So they get good at it.

They laugh at parties. They answer texts casually. They seem completely fine.

They become very good at seeming completely fine.

But ask them — really ask them — if they'd ever let someone fully in again.

And watch how long it takes them to answer.

That pause isn't them thinking.

That's a person doing a very quiet calculation of exactly what it cost them last time.

Not that I would ever give details or send money and I know a few of the rules for the game I am playing so I think I am safe but what are your thoughts on this ?

Is this kind of wrong ?

Is there anyone else who found themselves in this position ?

I think one of the fastest ways people emotionally burn out
is constantly being the person others rely on emotionally
without receiving the same support back.

At first,
you don’t really notice it.

You listen.
You understand people.
You stay emotionally available.

But eventually,
you realize something uncomfortable.

You became everyone’s safe place
while quietly having nowhere to put your own emotions.

And after enough time,
something changes psychologically.

You stop opening up as much.

Not because you stopped caring.

But because emotional exhaustion
eventually turns vulnerability into silence.

During most of human history the world was pretty violent. Survival chances were low and wars were common. Sadly, women probably didn’t have any power to choose their own destiny in most cultures, they just got taken by the guy that could eliminate the other prospects or make a deal with her father.

If the man died (which was common) women had to often find a new provider and if they attached they would have a biological disadvantage. Romantic love as we see it today is a modern construct.

You guys have to realize there was no justice while Homo sapiens were ongoing the evolution we see today. Guys are pretty violent by nature, life would have been hard for women so the last thing they would biologically think of would be love.

Argue all you want but there seems to be no counter argument to my thesis purely from a psychological perspective