u/Intelligent-Sir-6319

Everyone has their own baggage, trauma, insecurities, anger, and unresolved issues. Most people hopefully process those things in healthy ways, but some people don’t. And when they encounter someone they perceive as an easy target, especially someone who has little leverage to push back or hold them accountable, that person can become an outlet for everything they’ve been carrying.

Sometimes it doesn’t even have anything to do with you.

They can suddenly become hostile toward someone who did nothing wrong, randomly lash out, have a disproportionate crash-out over something minor, or treat someone badly simply because they know there probably won’t be consequences.

What makes this especially disturbing is that some people seem to keep their anger buried for a long time. They may appear perfectly normal while quietly holding onto resentment, humiliation, anger, or unresolved trauma. Then, when they finally encounter a situation where they can unload it onto someone they perceive as vulnerable, they take the opportunity.

And I think mob mentality can make this particularly dangerous.

Sometimes the mob isn't necessarily creating the anger in the first place. The situation becomes an opportunity for people to finally release emotional baggage they've been carrying for years.

They may have been waiting for a socially acceptable excuse to lash out. Once everyone around them starts doing it, they suddenly have both the justification and the protection of the group. Things they would normally suppress can come pouring out because they feel there is little chance of facing consequences.

That's why I’ve started thinking that when you're in a situation where the power dynamics aren't in your favor, you don't necessarily need to prove yourself, take every controversial position, or make your personal beliefs known. So you won't be an easy target of the group.

Sometimes the smarter approach is to be a gray man.

Be polite, but maintain strategic distance. Don't overshare personal information. Be unpredictable by having options but seemingly act like everyone. Don't unnecessarily involve yourself in controversial issues when there is little upside and potentially a lot of downside. Don't reveal every opinion, vulnerability, relationship, or plan to people you haven't known long enough to trust.

You don't have to be cold or hostile. You can be friendly without being open.

The important part is to observe over time.

How do they treat people who have less power than them?
How do they react when someone disagrees with them?
Do they respect boundaries?
Do they gossip about everyone's private information?
Do they suddenly become cruel when they have an audience?
Do they take responsibility when they hurt someone, or do they immediately look for someone to blame?

Over time, you can start categorizing people based on their behavior rather than your first impression of them.

Safe / Unclear / Risky.

And if someone turns out to be risky, you don't necessarily need to confront them dramatically or announce that you've figured them out.

You can simply maintain distance.

I think this is especially important because sometimes you don't have the power to change the environment you're in. If the situation eventually becomes unsustainable, the goal isn't necessarily to "win" against everyone.

The goal is to make sure you still have an exit.

If you've avoided unnecessary exposure, haven't overshared, haven't unnecessarily antagonized people, and have maintained enough distance to keep your options open, then when you eventually have a viable opportunity to leave, you can leave safely rather than being trapped in a conflict you didn't need to create.

Sometimes you don't need to know immediately whether someone is good or bad.

You can just observe.

Stay polite.
Keep your distance.
Protect your information.
Don't volunteer for unnecessary conflicts.
Keep your options open.

And let time show you who they are.

Banyak reply yg ga gimana2 tp kena downvote banyak, mod jg sering gaje take down beberapa postingan yg simply ga aneh2 harusnya, ada beberapa komen yg terkesan kaya pake AI, also considering reddit udh bisa diakses umum di indo, asumsi ane jg banyak buzzer yg bertebaran di situ?

It's like some redditor in that sub (especially mod and other notable redditor) have their own hidden agenda or political interests?

I really miss r/indonesia in early 2020s tho.

I'll start.

I (M) have a woman friend who comes from a lower-middle-class background, but she tends to live a pretty hedonistic lifestyle because she feels the need to keep up with the trends and lifestyle of her woman friend group. She often posts on her Close Friends stories about her financial struggles and how hard it is to meet her daily needs (before she eventually removed me from her Close Friends list). Ironically, most of us also know that she spends quite a lot on non-essential things based on what she posts publicly.

What stood out to me even more was that she would frequently talk badly about other friends whom she considered to be "worse off" than her financially.

One day, she invited one of her wealthy woman friends to hang out with us. However, during the meetup, she started putting me down in front of that friend. Before even introducing me properly, she described me as socially awkward, nerdy, antisocial, and someone who's not good with people.

What made it worse is that she did this quite coldly and deliberately, even though I had never shown any bad intention toward her. I had actually helped her before with freelance work that gave her a decent extra income for her situation. Because of that, it felt like she might have seen me as a “safe” or easy target. After that incident, I decided to cut her off completely.

That experience made me wonder whether I had simply become her next target, someone she could put beneath herself to elevate her own social standing and cope with her insecurities.

Has anyone else witnessed something similar, where a person's unresolved issues ended up hurting the people around them?

25M here. I'd say I'm fairly attractive, lean, and generally do okay socially.

One thing I've noticed is that a lot of women who make the first move toward me tend to be women I'm not particularly interested in and they tend to be consistent showing interest towards me. But that's not really what this post is about.

What confuses me is a different situation. Sometimes I'm in a social circle where there are a few women who are conventionally attractive, the kind of women most men would agree are attractive. I usually don't go out of my way to approach them unless there's a practical reason to communicate. When I do talk to them, I try to keep things fairly formal and respectful.

To be clear, I'm not saying all attractive women behave this way. In most social circles, only one or two women, maybe up to three if the group is large, will show this kind of behavior. The other attractive women in the same circle usually remain consistently polite, friendly, and formal, pretty much the way you'd normally interact with a stranger or casual acquaintance.

Another thing I've noticed is that these women often don't behave this way with the other men in the group. With other guys, they tend to interact much more normally.

Sometimes they'll joke around, tease me, or act a little flirty. When that happens, I usually just mirror their energy. I don't escalate anything or actively pursue them.

Then, out of nowhere, they'll suddenly become cold or distant. At that point, I usually assume something like: "Okay, maybe they don't want things to get too personal, and I don't want to come across as if I'm chasing them." So I go back to being more formal and give them space.

What's confusing is that after I pull back, some of them become playful or flirty again. A few have even seemed to flip the narrative and act as if I'm the one who has a crush on them, even though I've never initiated anything and have only mirrored the energy they started.

There have even been times when I got tired of the dynamics and simply stopped engaging beyond basic politeness. Instead of leaving it there, some people seemed to interpret my withdrawal as me being upset, overly sensitive, or secretly emotionally invested. In other words, if I engage, the dynamic continues, but if I stop engaging, I'm suddenly seen as the one who's "catching feelings" or taking things personally.

So what's actually going on here?

Are they genuinely interested but unsure of themselves? Are they just naturally flirtatious? Are they testing reactions for fun? Or do some people simply enjoy getting attention and validation from someone they're not necessarily interested in?

I'd be interested to hear both men's and women's perspectives on this. Thanks.

From my experience, confronting people and enforcing boundaries is often presented as the solution to dealing with toxic behavior. But I have found that this is not always enough.

Sometimes you encounter people who already have hostile intentions toward you but hide them well. Whether it's resentment, jealousy, feeling threatened by your presence, or simply disliking you, they are not usually looking for a healthy resolution. Instead, they are waiting for an opportunity to act against you while maintaining plausible deniability.

This reminds me of the "Now I've Got You, You Son of a Bitch" (NIGYSOB) game described by Eric Berne in Games People Play. The person is looking for a justification to attack, criticize, undermine, or embarrass someone, even when the target never intended any harm.

The problem is that when you confront these people directly, they often deny everything. They minimize their actions, claim you're overreacting, or insist that their behavior wasn't that serious. Because they have already thought through how to protect themselves, simple confrontation may not change anything.

In my experience, what works better is unexpected consequences.

When someone has already decided to play games with you, simply telling them where your boundaries are often gives them information, not deterrence. They now know where the line is, but they also know how far they can push while pretending they never crossed it.

What actually disrupts their thinking process is when they suddenly realize that their actions have created consequences they never anticipated.

For example, in a workplace situation, imagine someone constantly distorts information, takes credit, subtly undermines you, or frames situations in ways that benefit them while hurting your position.

At that point, I don't think repeatedly confronting them is effective.

Instead, quietly gather information, document everything (even if you have silly ways to gather it like bringing small recorder to record any of his statements), build alliances, and maintain a strategic distance. Let them believe their manipulation is working. Let them become comfortable.

Then when the right opportunity comes, such as during a meeting where decisions are being made, present the facts directly, publicly, and unexpectedly without informing the manipulator. Not with emotional accusations. Not with exaggerations. Just facts, documentation, timelines, contradictions, and evidence. Execute it without any warning before, so the impact will shock them enough.

The goal is not to appear reactive and effectively shaming them. So you can shame them publicly, but in a professional way.

The goal is to demonstrate that you understand exactly what happened and that you have the receipts to prove it.

I've found that this creates a much stronger impact than a dozen private conversations ever could.

The same principle applies to personal relationships.

Sometimes a person you trust turns out to be secretly jealous, competitive, or resentful. They talk behind your back, damage your reputation, or try to make themselves look superior at your expense.

What makes these situations difficult is that the betrayal often comes from someone you genuinely trusted.

Many people say you should simply enforce boundaries and have another conversation.

I disagree.

When someone's actions reveal a consistent pattern of manipulation or bad faith, I think the most effective response is to give them unexpected consequences.

Create distance.

Stop giving them access to your life.

Make sure people who matter understand what actually happened, so other people know how bad he-she/they is/are.

Then cut ties before they get another opportunity to pull you back into the same cycle. Don't ever let their hover attempt make you forgive them. Cut them and give them no mercy. Do this unexpectedly and out of the blue without any warning and explanation prior to cutting them off. This way, it will shock them enough. It seems manipulative, but I don't see anything wrong if we do it towards manipulative people and let them taste their own medicine (manipulative behaviors).

One thing I've learned is that manipulative people often interpret repeated forgiveness as tolerance. They don't necessarily see it as kindness. They see it as confirmation that they can continue behaving the same way without meaningful consequences.

That's why I think boundaries matter, but boundaries without consequences are often ignored by people who never intended to respect them in the first place.

My view is simple:

Confrontation informs. Consequences teach. Even if you have some cruel ways like shaming them publicly and unexpectedly to make them thinking twice of disrespecting you again.

Respect is based on some fear. People respect people whom they can hurt them but choose not to.

What do you think?

Have you ever dealt with someone who responded to confrontation with denial, gaslighting, or plausible deniability? Did boundaries work, or did it take consequences before anything changed?

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