u/MiserableRanger8331

My mother was a boomer mother that didn't truly want kids. She did everything that was expected from her and did it only so people around her would admire her. She was a horrible mother that put mine and my siblings life in danger. Multiple times. She was a pediatrician - the irony. Both my sister and I were anorexic because of her pressure to be skinny and she never once took us to the emergency care when we were severely unwell due to undernutrition. When I once asked if she would give me money to buy pizza she told me that my ass and boobs are so big that I look like a whore and better stop eating and start dieting. I was 13. She didn't really care about my overall wellbeing she only cared about what other people say about me and my sister. She was estranged by her parents and brother and left without any inheritance. I was blaming them for not helping us when we were struggling financially but as the time went by I realised that they wanted to escape her. She was a master of emotional manipulation and guilt tripping. I even felt personally responsible for her getting cancer. She basically said to us that we were worrying her so much that cancer is the result of that. My father was also a narcissist that was abusive to her and almost killed her. However she refused to leave him even when I bagged her to do so. I have almost no interaction with him. When I do it's me screaming at him for everything he did to us as kids with his behaviour towards her. And that is so therapeutic and healing for me. Seeing him embarrassed and guilty really felt good for me. All I want is to do the same with my mom. I was 19 when she died. I spent decades and thousands of dollars on therapy trying to find some peace. Accepting that I shouldn't and couldn't save her took almost 10 years. Whenever I have these memories of her doing horrible things to us I get crazy mad and want to explode. I would give everything in this world to just scream at her face. To tell her how wrong she was. It intensified when I became a mother. I wanted to understand her so badly, to justify her wrongdoing, to see her as a beautiful and loving person but that couldn't happen. I was even feeling guilty for being angry at the dead person. Every single session I have at the therapist ends with talking about her. I'm almost 40 and drained. I just want to finally put her behind and find some peace. If anyone has a similar experience and can share some insights on how to finally get on with my life it would be much appreciated.

This is the game I'm playing. I'm female, 38, married with a small child. I live in my apartment, my husband makes a decent amount of money, I'm developing my new business that I only started because I've got a grant based on my business plan. I've only submitted it because I firmly believed I would be rejected. I've scored maximum points. There are many things I know how to do and literally 0 things that I want to do. I quit my last job a little less than a year ago. I was extremely disappointed with how I was treated. My salary decreased (in this economy) because someone else made a mistake. A woman that was promoted to a manager while I was on maternity leave (I live in a country where it lasts a full year) had 3 years of experience. I had 10. I felt like everything I did, and I did a lot means nothing. I feel invisible and I'm starting to get comfortable with that. I have no interest in speaking with a few friends I have. One of my dearest friends moved to another country and simply stopped texting. She clearly showed she wants me out of her life. My marriage is good on paper but I feel completely empty. The only joy I find is in my son. I need to stay alive and productive and that seems more difficult with every new day. Where do I find motivation? There are days when I'm completely comfortable without leaving a house or speaking to anyone. I've dealt with depression before and I was much more disturbed. I would cry often and have anger outbursts. Now I'm just numb. I don't feel the need or desire to do anything. Just sleeping.

Epa svašta doživeh u životu ali da se očekuje od mene da nosim u banku čokoladu i kafu nisam mislila da ću. U banku odem 3 puta godišnje i to uvek jer im nešto u sistemu nije kako treba. Sada je isto bio slučaj. Inače Erste kod pozorišta. I tako gospođa pored mene predala kesu ukrasnu, službenica brzinom svetlosti stavila ispod pulta. Onda došao neki lik preskočio red od 2 metra druga mi kaže ako nema veze nije on preko reda ja samo da mu pogledam ovo. On vadi kesu stavlja na pult. Posle toga sam izašla i otišla u drugu filijalu u 7. juli i prvo što mi je žena rekla pre dobar dan bilo je a što niste otišli u filijalu gde ste otvorili račun. Ja odgovorila gužva je ona kaže pa dobro malo sačekajte. Filijala prazna. I tako sedim i razmišljam da li treba da nosim i u banku kafu i čokoladu. Častiš doktore, častiš sve u državnim institucijama, častiš konobara na svom slavlju častiš na tuđem ovde izgleda samo mene niko ne časti. Jel ovo postao standard?