u/LavenderMoonRose29

I’m currently going through a very stressful time—looking for a job and an apartment. I’ve just finished a very demanding training course that required me to take four exams. (I can't find a job in that field now 🫩). The phases where I have nervous breakdowns are becoming more frequent. Hysterical crying, terrible thoughts. My dog ​​picks up on all of this too, and today I reached the point where I realized I was no longer able to use my DBT skills. I have to take medication again. I’m scaring myself, and I want my dog ​​to be okay. I blame myself endlessly, thinking about how stressed she must be because of me. I have this feeling that I really shouldn't be responsible for another living being. I can barely manage to take care of myself, after all. But she means the world to me, and I love her so much. I didn't know I could love a living being this much. That’s why I need to get myself together again now. I only stopped taking medication a year ago (after being on it continuously for ten years before that). I was so proud of myself and could finally feel more again. Unfortunately, both positive and negative thoughts were heavily suppressed by the medication. It surprised me that I cried watching movies. I also feel joy a bit more (when it actually shows up, lol). Anyway, I’m just disappointed in myself. Perhaps a life with BPD without medication isn't possible? 🙁

To put it briefly—everything in life is always hard for me. I can't remember a time in recent years when I didn't have to struggle. From job loss, to a very traumatic relationship, a job change with very demanding further training and then not being able to find a job. To a very stressful living situation. Years without a real vacation. I’ve never really been able to save much money because of situations like these. It affects the little things, too—like heading to the river because it was so warm today. Instead of a 40-minute trip, it takes an hour and a half because the train is delayed. Then getting stung on the foot by a wasp on the way there. I sort of feel like I attract bad luck. When I spoke to my mother about it recently, she said that she, too, had often had that feeling in life—of being cursed, of always having to fight, and of never getting things through luck or ease. I know people who are lucky—people who live with a certain sense of ease, or at least go through phases like that. People who have things fall right into their laps without lifting a finger. Are there people who simply have no luck in life? And why is that? Was I born under the wrong stars? Everything feels so exhausting.

I’ve been involved with animal welfare since I was young. I stopped eating meat at 12 and went vegan at 23. I’m 29 now and don’t watch videos of slaughter or animal cruelty anymore. I think I’m traumatized by them; sometimes I have flashbacks and end up crying. Last night, after a long time, I had a nightmare again—one where blunt force was being used against animals. I screamed and cried so much in the dream that I woke up. Do other vegans experience this too? On one hand, I’m glad I faced the truth about animal products. On the other, I’m just traumatized 😞💔..