u/Powerful-Jelly-2333

i can’t sleep or eat and just want to take sleeping pills (NOT TO IVERDOSE BUT RO SLEEP) but it’s bad idea bc i sleep so long after

seriously i’m 20 fucking years old and i am so so so aware of all my actions and yet i feel there’s a force inside me that i can’t change.
i overthink every little thing my partner says and if it’s anything even remotely close to where i think he’s losing feelings or even IMPLIES leaving me (even tho i do this all the time) i literally take it equivalent to him sleeping with another girl like that’s how bad i take it.
this is so unfair to him and i think he’s better off without me (sad truth) but i can’t bring myself to leave him 1. i do love him 2. i don’t want to be alone
i have pushed him away a lot, i can see him losing feelings for me or already patience, and i continue to do it. it tears me apart but i feel a weird sense of relief because i always think it’s gonna happen anyways?

this sucks i feel like i’m never going to change
any advice lollll, please no harsh or mean comments

i keep scrolling on my phone. i deleted tiktok which is good but i keep instagram for work, so i scroll there. i go to the gym which is a nice way to keep myself busy but i’m looking for hobbies where i don’t have to spend so much money and that are simple.
i am working on a puzzle and have 6 reptiles to take care of while working 44-50hrs weekly, and when everything quiets down i’m so bored and don’t know what to do lol.
anyways just thought i’d take some suggestions on what u do to keep urself busy or when ur bored.

I was supposed to have my force test yesterday morning, but my bp was so high 160/85.. lol.. i am a very healthy 20f 5’9 about 160lbs.. is this normal with nerves? I couldn’t calm myself down lolololol. My group was so nice too so kinda sad to see them go. I was the only girl who couldn’t take it because of my blood pressure. the rest were 35+ year old men.
i went to doctor an hour later and it was 125/80

a lot of my therapists thought i had something called bpd. i was diagnosed with it actually at 18 and was in DBT a lot of my child hood. i never fully agreed with this but i did fit a lot of the symptoms, if not all besides psychosis related things like hallucinations or delusions.
i was able to afford a psychologist recently and have been seeing her for 5 months. we talked a lot about my childhood and things and she sent me for an adhd assessment and turns out i have it.
the biggest give away was impulses and impulse control. i am SO bored all the time, this causes me to do things that’ll spike my dopamine levels like; reckless driving, causing arguments over nothing, this might be tmi but random suicide attempts or seeing how many pills i can take before i explode or whatever, very bad up and down mood swings, and honestly not caring about a lot of what others think or do if it doesn’t affect me personally. I can come off as manipulative or just in general more emotional and that’s probably why I was misdiagnosed.
I of course have other symptoms besides impulsivity, but it goes to show how so many people can present differently!
i also think some psychiatrist are more prone to diagnosing females with something like bpd or bipolar rather than adhd because of our gender

this happened about a year ago and i don’t want to seem dramatic but that was actually very traumatic experience for me and for 3 weeks after i actually felt like i was in the after life living as a ghost. i have no one to talk to about it because no one understands a how devastating and scary it really is being the person who actually went through it.
i’m trying to request ambulance records because in canada that is separate from hospital records. May 25 2025 I will never forget that date.

please tell me your guyses experience

i have my medical interview soon and i’m wondering about what kind of access they have to my AHS records. I can not remember being hospitalized before 18, but a part of me thinks I have been (i’m 20 now), if I was it wasn’t anything serious probably just a health concern and with my worried parents they took me to an ER. Do my medical doctors have access to my AHS records. I honestly think it would be easier for me if they did so I don’t have to recite everything from my memory.
I also have old self harm scars which you can see clearly, but they were from 6 years ago and there was no suicidal intent honestly a lot of my friends did it when I wad that age and wanted to join in (stupid and i regret it so much) I was wondering how that would go as well? I also don’t have a family doctor.
Any advice on how this will go for me?

i have never been able to do many pushups, i go to bmq in 3 months and i was wondering how many i should aim for before bmq? i can do around 5km in 35 minutes im trying to get under 30 though. sit ups 30+ in a row.

any general tips either way, regardless of physical fitness?

I feel changes in my body changes in the room like it’s a second language. I feel everything physically, that is why it’s so hard to cope with some things. Like i’m so physically ill or so riddled with anxiety I feel it in my whole body. This might not be for everyone but when I get high or drunk I feel it RIGHT away like I could take the lowest dose, but I can handle a lot. I am so hypersensitive to what is around me and that is SOOO exhausting. Mentally and physically. Anyone relate lol?

I just finished my first year of RT school but got an offer to start nursing school. If anyone knows some of the pros and cons please let me know. I know nursing pay can be a lot better but i’ve always liked RT.
I just want pros and cons of the job, right now i’m young and a little bit of an adrenaline junky so I would want ER OR ICU atleast when I graduate. Besides of course the debt of my first year adding on what do you guys think?

i’m in school with this one girl and we got along really well. over the summer we sort of drifted apart and she proceeds to tell me “i love you (i think), u don’t come see me anymore” this actually is ruining my night so much. i don’t have many friends only my boyfriend really which some think is unhealthy, i’m okay living like that. but i don’t want my bf to be the only one who hangs out with friends and stuff. anyways, me and this friend have both have equally big put in effort to see eachother, i also work ALL THE TIME at two different jobs and it’s not like concrete work hours everyday( i do not have the privilege to not do this and she does, she is not bratty or spoiled or anything ). that comment just bothered me a lot it’s almost like she’s shifting the blame onto me, but i can kinda tell she doesn’t care to much so bringing it up in a conversation is stupid because it won’t be a big deal to her.

i guess all i’m asking is how can i not take this so deeply? i’m sure during school we will become close again but what she said just deeply offended me. i want to be okay with losing friends because they seriously do come and go.

this is kind of just a rant. before i used to think i could never find love and it was always my fault and ill never change. But that’s not true!! There are a lot of rocks (bad partners) out there, and i don’t even believe in god but i feel i have to thank someone for such a loving, understanding, and patient partner.
i will admit, u have to do some introspection. i of course near the middle of our relationship started doing alll the obsessive things u do and he was patient but made boundaries. if i continued doing everything i did at the beginning he would no doubt be gone and i had to weigh the consequences. i will do anything and try my best for this man, even if it’s hard or some days i mess up, i love him with my whole life. He is perfect.
but then again u have to find the right person, someone that doesn’t make u insecure or overthink. someone who chooses u over anyone else. someone kind and gentle. he is my life and i can’t imagine living with anyone else.

keep hope and live another day.