Someone is manipulating me using BPD relational vulnerabilities and nobody will make it stop or help me.
My life is literally being destroyed and not a reflection of who I am. Its gotten to the point idk who that is anymore. I.
It's scary and sad.
I don't feel a strong connection or loved by friends. I just don't. I have admitted this to one person who understands. I know they're my best friend but I cannot feel it. I can't feel anything deeply besides romantic love and I feel like a bad person. The only time I didn't lose interest in friends and felt genuinely curious about them was when I was prescribed klonopin. The doctor's will not give it to me because they don't trust me or think I need it. Just antihistamines instead lol. And somatic coping skills I have tried so much but they don't fucking work. I actually wanted to talk to friends more and see how they were doing. Why can't I have it? Why do I have to have some catastrophic event before they believe me like my aunt who also has bpd? She got it when she was 40 and had blew up her life so many times she couldn't even maintain independence.
I don't want to drink smoke weed or cut when I have klonopin. I stopped doing all three for months to prove i could be trusted and needed it. Still they wouldn't. Tried coping with skills but they don't make me feel or help me calm down.
I feel like a bad person and like how I feel is my fault and try to force myself to change and feel things but I literally cannot. I can't. It's just who I am. I try to mask and shit but I can't and people found out how I am and don't understand. They are suspicious and make me feel like shit. I can't prove i care and know things but don't feel them.
I hate myself. I can't make any new friends either because people don't understand me or think I am not sincere. I hate having bpd.
I got feelings for someone too fast and now I'm getting triggered and have nobody to talk to.
Wish someone compatible wanted to eventually be in love the way I do.
Wish ppl understood BPD so I didn't have to manage insecurities around being completely under control of it if I even want friends who could maybe help but with their shitty ill informed, ableist opinions and standards for if I'm well enough to even hang out w them and """get help""" based on proximity.
Reminds me of rapists and bad people wanting me to introduce them to my female friends and I never would. Am I just like them?
Is perfection the standard or a conscious? When BPD cannot be cured but I try my fucking hardest and feel guilty even posting here about it.
I hate myself. Idk why my mom birthed me and I mean that 100%. She killed herself in a way I'd never forget... So I could live like this lol.
I hate myself.
i think about killing myself everyday.
I have spent my entire life building up my self esteem and mental fortitude until I entered an abusive situation I cannot escape because of other people.
I now think about killing myself every day and try to not make people feel like they did anything to me while they listen to abusers about who I am and lie about me.
Every day I think of killing myself but all the defenses I built up to survive with BPD and BPII while trying and failing to get healthcare that is good enough to actually help, disappeared. Were destroyed and made to feel invalid. Fake. Not enough. After protecting myself for my entire life.
I feel like my failure to protect myself and do better, to escape, is my fault.
I am so triggered constantly. Nobody understands how bad I need just people to be in my life. But also how bad i need to feel loved intimately. I'm told it's unhealthy by wellness culture at large, but that isn't built for or by people who share my life experience. but it is used against me by people who DO in my shitty white oppressive city.
I wish I never built myself up. Whatever could be waiting for me on the other side that is worth it? without me telling myself, "well, my expectations were too high and I deserve this actually :) even tho it feels bad".
I'm not supposed to be alive. I get nothing close to the empathy people 100% opposite of me get. I do not have enough money or will and belief that this will not at all keep happening. I will not be tested. I will not have to justify why i don't deserve that in my mid 30s to every fucking white person or person who doesn't agree with me.
if i never spent so much time reading and building myself using love from real friends, I would be dead by now. I would have done it easily. in fact, I believe all my experiences besides the time spent with people I related to are more real. if i ever did anything wrong or thought I deserved it or literally anything, the world would agree and blame me. I wish I diead in my sleep like I should have so many times but whoever is hacking me woke me up to fucking punish me for ever being born, along with people who make me endure it for fucking ever until I do and believe things I cannot bc I have a personality disorder i have always had to hide and manage... unlike them. but they put expectations placed on them their whole life on ME again while making conditions fucking worse to endure.
I wish i could explode on an entire street of people in my small shitty city and cover them all in my blood and guts after posting my suicide note everywhere. i wish i could make it unignorable and 1/8th as traumatic as my own experience.
literally nobody understands and will just let it go. i don't have to prove or know anything. i never could have in the first place. i wish i had just died instead. it is abusive and oppresive. i cannot live my life.
i know i sound crazy. i wish i were dead instead.
I am transmasc. I pass as "cis male". Being treated as such gives me dysphoria. I was a woman for 22 years or something. That person's experience is real and valid. I don't want to erase them or hide them. They're a part of me. I don't want to assimilate with cis normativity. I live in a very red state. I live in Utah. In the capitol. Still so much racist, ableist, homophobic, and transphobic pressure to be something I am not. I am not from here. I have no group I went to high school or something. I am filled with rage and unrest after entering an extremely abusive situation for 7 years I cannot escape and won't detail.
I feel like I can't escape dysphoria without outing myself. I don't want to compete with cis men who will sometimes be threatening physically if challenged or insecure, especially romatically. I don't want to have traditional ideas about masculinity projected onto me. I don't want to out myself to everyone because people don't understand and express it in varying manners... I don't relate to cis or medically trans men romantically. I sleep with them when I feel like I cannot be loved. Nobody gets it.
I should've been born in the future, probably right before the Earth implodes bc it would take that long to dismantle patriarchal systems. People protecting it would lead to the destruction of the Earth.
I don't have anyone I can relate to about this. I dealt with a mental break because of someone in my "communities" hacking me and everyone else protecting them in the name of me not being perfect and white enough. Wanting me to do and know things I just cannot bc it erases my experience and nobody can talk to me about it without revealing the person. Men will hide their transphobia so well and use it to kill or disable you permanently, people will never believe you bc they're indoctrinated. Some people will pretend to understand and their lie is violence in the end. This is a warning to other transpeople. Do not test yourself or try to challenge it unless you have a huge group of people behind yo I that know you well.
I hurt so much every fucking day. I want to move but cannot trust this all will stop bc people know ppl everywhere and are more concerned with ppl thinking they did something to me than anything, even tho I know I was fucked up and abused and so vulnerable after my mother's suicide on my birthday. I just need to know who it was that hacked me but I never fucking will... Lol. Everyone protects them. It makes me feel like I am not supposed to be alive, my values and beliefs do not align with literally anyone I know or knew.
I feel a lot of pain alone. I needed somewhere to vent this out. Hoping everything besides the last paragraph is relatable to lots of ppl. I need help. I need to not feel alone. I can't find it irl.
Set a boundary with myself and am not hooking up with strangers and being unsafe even though that for some reason sounds like fun. I don't think this is necessarily a BPD thing but don't know where else to put this and in my case, heightened sexuality paired with recklessly seeking sex with strangers is not me nor a reflection of what makes me comfortable with or feel good about myself.
Pls clap
"I didn't want it to happen but I also didn't stop it.
Sorry you're experiencing a hate crime for 7 years, go to therapy.
Sorry your mom killed herself on your bday. Idk this seems like a lot of emotional labor, go to therapy. Your grief is making me insecure bc idk how to handle it. Also you're insecure so go to therapy or build confidence bc I won't help you. Learn to sit with your discomfort and insecurities like I don't. All those things that add depth to relationships? Why? Makes me uncomfortable. So people should go to therapy so I don't have to deal with it. Too much emotional labor."
Fuck everyone
I almost died twice and I genuinely wish that I did. I don't know why people who hate me and wanted to commit a hate crime against me and ruin my life kept me alive. So they could make me wish I were dead. Along with other people intentionally making it more difficult to want to live.
And blaming me for how their shit treatment and dehumanizing makes me feel.
I hate myself because of other people. Nothing else could make me completely turn on myself. I can't even enjoy being alone because I'm not supposed to.
I wish I never met any of the people I did in specific period of time. They haven't done anything at all to make my suffering easier while they literally just watch on social media and never reached out. I wish I never met any of them.
I wish I were dead. Sincerely.