u/-Patient_Astronaut

I'm really sorry if question sounds hopeless, didn't know how to write it differently, but please let me know.

I'm(29, amab) in a place that I kind of accepted I'm trans person, but also still confused. It seems I'll be posting here a lot, asking questions, so please bear with me!

There were always some kind of unrest in me, and general pattern is me trying to found cause of it or trying found things that helps me to ease this unrest, but there is always anger there, even if I look like chill person on the outside(and tbh, I think my face often shows I'm not happy ). Things like religious beliefs, existential stuffs, beliefs about social systems, human psyche and so on and on. Then you learn something and say oh okay, that is the cause of it, then you get angry and sad, because things would be nicer. To escape those feelings, you get some hobbies, but there is still anger there and the feeling that you still perform, still you're not yourself.

But when I figured out maybe I'm trans girl/woman, there wasn't anger there, idk how to describe it, but more close to happy sadness???

I haven't started anything yet, like, haven't come out to close friend(s) in irl, and I'm not in a place where I can just start hrt. I should be angry I think(??), but I'm not.

The things I'm doing these days are reading sources about being trans person, reading posts from the community, watching trans related media and so on, to hold onto this special feeling. Don't know how much longer these things will help.

I'm 29, amab(and not from usa). My egg cracked couple of weeks ago. These couple of weeks have been filled with confusion, happiness and sadness alike, while I'm in my room doing non-stop research. I've read dysphoria bible and asked many questions in search engine and looked into A LOT OF answers from this community(and can not thank enough for that). My doubts still continue, but apparently this is similar story for large portion of the community.
I'm very depressed, have social anxiety and all in all, in a very difficult point in my life I guess.

This is my brief life story:
The things I remember mostly about my childhood is me being hyperactive or me bring in front of tv or me trying to be good at school. This last part became my identity as time past, and I carried myself kicking and screaming into international math olympiad and got an award when I was 16 and then a year later I got into an okay university in some other country, pursuing math degree. This was the first time I was away from my family for a long duration and kind of building my identity. This period wasn't that okay: I was mostly in my room, not really good at academics, watching anime, reading manga and books and unfortunately getting into unhealthy masturbation habit. After 4 years, I left the university without graduation and got into another university(in same foreign country), pursuing computer engineering degree, hoping this new beginning will help me. After one semester, I was depressed again ,and first time in my life I went to psychiatrist office of the university. Diagnose was major depression, social anxiety and got prescribed anti-depressant medications. I was determined to overcome these mental health problems and again, I was dreaming this new beginning will help me. I felt okay after 6 or so months using medications and I was getting into student communities: theater club, aikido, juggling. These were my new hobbies, I was feeling happy mostly and also there were anger out there somewhere, and my academic life was okay. And then I was 26, still struggling with graduation, with money, with social relationships[There were times during this period that I have to go back my country and live again with my family and relatives which felt like prison for me(don't have nice relationship with these people, mostly masking everything)]. Then came drug/weed/nicotine/alcohol period (I wasn't almost using any of these substances till I was 25) for almost two years. In this period I wasn't attending my classes, wasn't engaging in any hobbies(and not feeling okay even if I do), and watching time past as I fail again and again and again. Trying to make money doing some jobs then leaving. Last semester was okay, but then again, for last two months, I'm in my room again, rarely leaving, cutting social interaction, living like homeless person in my home.

TL;DR---AND now I'm here. Even though it felt like I'm really in mind/body after accepting maybe I am trans person, even though I felt happier after this realization, even though some memories gushed back in and lots of things made more sense, I feel trapped and unable to move. Will this be just another part of my existence that will start and die along the way without maturing enough? Like, in some twisted way, I feel okay that I kept her inside, like,. I protected that person inside me while not even realizing she is there and now I see her and I'm happy she is there, but I can't just let her to get hurt, once she is outside while also feeling like all this time I've been living some fake life. I think, most of the time when I feel something, even some basic emotions, I look myself from outside and I wonder if that is really how I feel, and if I was a robot, I would describe that thing as some short-circuit in my system.