Please don’t respond unless you have clinical depression or similar- or actually actually get it.
Okay so- I’m hoping other people with conditions understand but I have been struggling so much lately and there’s no one I can talk to about this right now. Sorry for the long post.
Soooo…. Ok. I have intrusive thoughts. Actual intrusive thoughts, not just inconvenient or naughty. And I can’t make them stop lately. I can’t sleep for hours and hours, it’s killing my confidence, it’s effecting my work. Same thought over and over.
Before I say it, I don’t actually believe this. My brain is vomiting this up into me and I don’t want it.
But I keep thinking “Kill yourself”. Over and over and over and over and over and over. It’s my second thought when I wake up, I can’t sleep unless I’m watching something loud enough to drown it out. Sometimes the only way I can make it go away is saying it out loud. The louder and meaner the longer I can go without it coming back. Sometimes alone at work I just say “yourself” with the bile in my brain to make it stop so I can get anything done without crying. I’ve accidentally said it out loud !without meaning to! and I get terrified that someone heard me and will think I mean it.
I just moved back home, LA to a big middle America city, and haven’t found a new therapist yet, but even in therapy I don’t tell them bc they’d have to report it and I DONT ACTUALLY WANT TO DO IT. it’s an INTRUSIVE THOUGHT. yes I am really depressed but bc I want a better life and my work isn’t paying off right now and I sometimes have to relive shit similar to what fucked me up and that’s rough.
Some people hear this and only think “no don’t do it, you have so much to live for” but that’s not the reality of where I am. I don’t want to, you’re correct and I agree. It’s an intrusive thought that gets worse in my depressive episodes.
I wish I could turn it off so badly. I’m so exhausted. I live with my worst hater in my brain 3 months out of 6 and I’m so tired. Sometimes I think maybe someone cursed me but I don’t really, but holy shit that would be such an easier explanation than just “yeah your brain is an asshole”. I’m tired, I’m lonely, I’m sad, I’m struggling. I don’t even know what would help until my high months come back.
And before you ask
I know it’s a weak ass excuse but I have medication trauma and I avoid new ones if possible. Already on thyroid, adhd, and weight loss. I just wanna ride out this out and not add more shit that causes extra shit like rashes or worsening dark thoughts.
Again- no. I don’t want to die.
Depression, anxiety, adhd, cptsd. Some professionals think maybe bipolar type 2.
As soon as I have the energy I’ll book a therapist. Idk about you but every time I call off psych today they’re fully booked and actually NOT accepting new patients. I’m too tired to keep calling every week.