Don’t make assumptions!
Most people think that asking, “How many kids do you have?” or, “Is he your only one?” are harmless small talk questions. But to those that have lost a child or children it is complicated beyond belief.
Should I be honest? Who is asking? Is it a complete stranger? A checker at the grocery store? A potential new friend?
When my loss was fresh I didn’t care who was asking. Everyone who asked these personal questions was going to learn about Cora and damn it if it ruined their day or made the situation awkward. It was how I felt I needed to honor her and her life.
It’s now been 5 years since my daughter died. I give a more curated response when answering. I often say “he’s my only son”, or “I have 1 son”. But I’m running into a new problem. Now these people think I’m one and done, and I need advice on family planning (my son is 3). It is getting hard to bite my tongue.
The worst interaction I’ve had recently was a checker at the grocery store who said, “oh they grow up so fast, you should have another but put them in the freezer so they stay little”. Cue images of my dead baby in the morgue, and memories of holding her cold body before the funeral and internment. As you might imagine the rest of that transaction was incredibly strained and awkward.
Thanks for reading, I just needed to vent to the only other people who would understand. I know members of this club have different strategies on answering these questions. Have you had any success in navigating this?