r/ChildLoss

Does anyone else have trouble with empathy now?

I can't make myself care about anyone else's problems. Not my family, friends, anyone.

The only person I can even fake it with is my daughter.

It's been more than 2 years and I can't care about anything.

I feel like a terrible person and it gives me another reason to hate myself.

I don't care if everyone in my life hates me.

Is anyone struggling with this?

I’m 85 years old now, and my daughter cut me out of her life in 2012. The reason goes back to something that happened when she was 13 years old. Her stepfather, who is still my husband, exposed himself to her. He apologized, promised it would never happen again, and as far as I know, it never did.
For many years, our family moved forward. Then when my daughter had children of her own, she brought the incident back up and said she did not want her children around my husband. While she still allowed me to have a relationship with her and my grandchildren, things changed after I took the children to lunch one day. They were young at the time, and I told them that their grandfather would never hurt them, that he was a good man who had made a mistake many years ago.
When they told their mother what I had said, she cut me out of all of their lives. My husband had been a provider throughout her childhood. He paid for private school, bought her a car when she graduated, and was involved in raising her. She remembers him very differently than I do.
The years have passed, and my grandchildren are now adults. None of them want a relationship with me. I believe my daughter influenced how they see both me and my husband, though I know she would see it differently.
I have come to accept that I cannot change any of it. Still, acceptance does not erase the grief. I miss my daughter. I miss my grandchildren. And even after all these years, the loss still hurts.

I lost my precious baby boy of 7 weeks old 8 weeks ago. I can’t stand anyone in my family or friends they don’t understand and just act in ridiculous ways. I’m supposed to be happy and eating at an all you can eat. Or I’m suppose to be crying and breaking down. But it’s always on their time and not how it is realistically for me. I’ve found I can’t cry around some people. And also I’m filled with much rage. This is a long post… basically I wonder if anyone going through these loss. If anyone would want to talk. Preferably on the phone 📞 but messages can work too. I just want to connect with someone maybe that understands this horrible hideous void:..

Long story. So bear with me please.

So at the start of this year my child passed away. She had only just turned Ten.

It started off with a cold she had caught from camp. This was about September last year (2025). That was ok. Children get sick. So I took her to the dr and was given pamol for the fever and pain. It went away. But it came back a few weeks later this time with a sore throat. Took her back to the dr and was given antibiotics (were now mid October).
We finished the course and she was kind of ok but not 100% so we took her back again (start of November). Was given more antibiotics. To my surprise they still didn’t heal her so we went back again and got told to take probiotics (end of November).
Her birthday came around and we celebrated like we normally do. Went out for the day and she chose where to go. The whole day I could feel she was a bit off. Not her usual happy, joyful self so we headed home early and sung happy birthday and had cake at home. A couple days later her sore throat came back this time she had ulcers in her mouth too. Her throat was swollen shut and had pus. I took her back to the dr. for the 4th time. They gave more pamol, more antibiotic. She started to get a sore tummy. Couldn’t eat. Lost a lot of weight. Took her back again and they told me as long as she’s still drinking and pooing she’s ok and gave me a top up of the pamol and antibiotic. I don’t think anything of it. I thought the dr knew what they were talking about and trusted their expertise and word.
A few days b4 Christmas I took her back to the dr again because I was worried. Once again they sent me home. Her tummy was in pain. At this point I was doing everything to try get her to take her medicine but she couldn’t swallow. She was sore and crying all day. All I could do was love and cuddle her as much as I could.
My partner and I have 6 children together. 2 teens. 2 school aged children a toddler and a baby.
Christmas came and she still wasn’t eating. Her drinking had slowed right down. Started vomiting everything she could manage to get down. She woke up Christmas Day and opened her presents. Didn’t play with any. Watched her siblings open theirs and smiled at them all having fun. 2 days later her body crashed. I took her back to the dr. They called an ambo straight away without me even saying anything. As soon as I walked through the doors to the medical centre.
We were rushed to hospital where they done a ct scan. And found lesions all over the inside of her body. We were able to ring her dad and some of her uncles and aunty’s so she could tell them where she was b4 they put her to sleep. Her body was weak.
The medical staff put her in an induced coma. Her heart and lungs were failing. I never got told that till later.
From there we were flown upto Auckland’s Starship children’s hospital where they quickly put her onto an ECMO machine to help her heart and lungs. She was doing well.
From there they diagnosed her with defuse b-cell lymphoma. A type of blood cancer. And it had taken over her whole body. We were there for 28 days. During those 28 days, she had a lot going on. She was on the ECMO for 14ish days. They took her off and she was doing well. She was on a dialysis machine to help with her blood pressure and to still help her heart pump the blood around her body. It was also used to filter her blood. her kidneys and liver were riddled with the cancer. They started her on chemo. She underwent 2 operations to take out part of her bowel because her bowel had exploded inside her. In the end she didn’t win the battle. They cancer won. The treatment wasn’t working. Her organs were failing. And her little body had just had enough.
Fast forward to a month after her passing and her gene test had come back. The had a rare condition, one they had never picked up on when she was sick as a baby. In and out of hospital till the age of 4, called CTPS1 deficiency. Where only 30 others in the world have had this condition. Basically it’s an immune deficiency. But you have an overactive immune system that fights too hard.
Anyway. We go back upto starship hospital where they tell us all this info and we get the rest of our children tested. We wait 8weeks b4 the results come back and it turns out our son has it too.
So every few weeks we drive up to the hospital and go over treatment and make a plan to hopefully heal our son and prevent what happened to our daughter, happening to our son. They test us all again to see who if any of us are a match to be a donor for a bone marrow transplant.
May this year we were admitted into hospital where we spent 3 months. Our son underwent chemotherapy to wipe his body completely of the cells in his body. Then they transplanted him with the marrow of his matched sibling. We were isolated in a room for 31 days while his body healed. We were let out and were able to stay nearby as he had checkups 2-3 days a week. Eventually we went down to weekly checkups. And just last week we were able to come home and have been put on monthly checkups. He will be on medication for the transplant for at least another year. So far the treatment has been successful for him. We’re taking everyday one step at a time.
I feel guilty everyday for my girl. That I didn’t love her hard enough. I dismissed her cry’s tending to her siblings. A lot of what ifs and guilt and sadness. It’s all been so fast I havnt even really grieved for her. It’s like she passed away and we were straight into the next mission with the next child.
There’s probably a lot to this story I have missed. But it’s all happened so fast.

That’s all from me. Thank you for listening.

“FOREVERTEN”

Has anyone ever tried to find answers about losing a child through mediums? I don’t know why I constantly feel the need to understand what happened to me and why I suddenly lost my three-year-old daughter. Life feels so incredibly unfair, and I keep wondering what God’s plan could possibly be in the midst of all this pain and misery. I just want to understand why.😭

Genuine question. My 25 y/o niece committed 😭 3 days ago because of a heartbreak. I want to help her (aside from prayers, of course) but I don’t know what else can I do. 😭 Nahihirapan akong i process kasi naiinis na nalulungkot na naaawa ako kasi all my pamangkins are our babies. Sa totoo lang, mas mahal namin mga pamangkin namin kesa sa mga kapatid so just imagine grabeng sakit for us nitong nangyari na ito. 😭😭😭

Please help! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

😭😭😭

Almost three months ago to the day, we lost our youngest daughter ("A") after nearly three years of MANY medical problems. She had made some really strong strides that gave us a false sense of security. Then around January, some slips started coming. We lost her in May.

My biggest concern as a father, is how do I stay present with my other child ("C", daughter, 6)? If I'm not keeping myself busy with a task, my mind immediately drifts to my youngest.

"C" got shorted so much when her sister was here, just because of the amount of care her sister required. Now, not only is "C" missing her sister, her mother and I struggle to stay in the here and now. I'm worried that in effect, she's getting even less attention. At least when "A" was here, "C" was helping with her cares; our family centered around "A", but "C" was a big part of it. With "A" gone, it feels like the glue holding everything together is gone.

How do I stay grounded in the here and now with the child I still have, when all I want is to be with my child that is gone? My 6yr old wants to cuddle with me in bed, and all I can think about is how much I miss my 3yr old sleeping on my chest in the recliner. I'm rapidly running out of cuddle time with my oldest, and I can't seem to enjoy what's left because I'm missing what's already gone. I'm acutely aware of what is happening, but it feels like I'm powerless to change it.

Any advice from those who've already traveled this path?

We lost our only son at 22 months old 6 months ago to SUDC. We're still navigating this heartbreak and utilizing resources (including the SUDC Foundation and therapy). We have always wanted to have more children and are actively exploring our options.

I know IVF has the advantage of genetic testing, but our son's genetic testing came back with 5 variants of uncertain significance so no clear genetic cause. I did do carrier blood testing and am waiting for those results.

I'm hoping to connect with others who have gone on to have another child after sudden loss. And get advice on the trying to conceive process as well as navigating pregnancy and parenting after loss.

I posted last week on Liams first birthday after death. And now we are here. 1 year death anniversary. I took the day off. I feel after this, we can handle most things. I know there still will be rough days. But this is like THE day. No more firsts in regards to a calendar year. So far for me, his birthday was harder. But we also got a puppy the day after his birthday. To make August have some positive moments. The puppy has our attention so its helping.

My big todo if I have time today...I want to write a letter to each person who has showed up to help this past year. Thats where I break down the most. I also found some new pictures or him on some family members Facebook. I am remembering him less. His voice. How he looks. His pictures just feel so far away. They dont look like him and that doesn't make sense to me because they are pictures of him.

Anyways, miss you little guy. Tonight maybe I'll order from the Restaurant that had a train on the ceiling. You loved watching it go around.

Like why don't you just slap me in the face? The audacity to ask a grieving parent why are you still fighting for answers for your child on why this happened. It's been seven months, I'm worried about you, and want to make sure you're approaching this from the "right angle". I care about you and don't want you getting more hurt in the pursuit of all this. I'm already hurt I'll never not be hurt. And like excuse my French but what the fuck are you talking about.

It's been seven months almost eight, just hate when people say oh I'm saying this cause i worry about you. No you're not, not really, you're saying it because grief makes you uncomfortable. And I'd much rather you say hey I'm uncomfortable than say what do you hope to gain by all of this?

Idk buddy, answers to what keeps me up at night, making sure no other parent has to go through this, research and grief support. I'm looking for understanding and change to an already broken system who turns a blind eye to grief because it's "uncomfortable". But I guess I can say it louder if you really want to know what I hope to gain.

I’ve been to therapists on and off throughout my life. I haven’t had any specific mental health struggles, I just occasionally needed a tune-up and I’m not scared to need help. Since my daughter died 5 months ago, it’s the first word out of everyone’s mouth. It makes me instantly furious. What is therapy going to do?

I’m functioning and I have gotten a good balanced approach with my other daughter (lots of research here). I’m not suicidal or anything of the sort. I have a big support system, have read a few books, am a firm believer in an afterlife, and my own parents lost a child and have connected me with a network of people who have lost children. I’m doing the best I can and I don’t feel unable to cope or lost or alone or unsupported.

what sets me off is when people suggest it like my grief is something to be fixed. like i mentioned having a harder day and someone’s like “you should try some therapy for that.” Like being sad is wrong..? sorry, but it’s not going away. I’m going to be grieving my daughter for the rest of my life until I die and can be with her again. a therapist won’t bring my baby back. And it’s been FIVE MONTHS. i would think something would be MORE wrong if I didn’t cry at least once a day. I miss my baby and my best friend. Just let me grieve my daughter in peace and I’ll seek help if it starts interfering with my life in or I feel like I need it.

On july 10th, i recieved the worst call of my life. I was at work while my daughter was at home with her father. He called me in a panic, saying she was unresponsive. The autospy chalked it up to sids, although i came to conclusion it was her colic problems i tried so hard to make notice to her doctor about. Her own father had to give her cpr which left a stain on our couch from all her spit up from her lungs. Everyday is hell. Its the world stopped for me. I’ve been in the same spot since that day. I can literally feel myself going crazy from the moment i wake up to the moment i close my eyes. I cant stop replaying every second of the day in my head. I seriously don’t think I can be here any longer …. I just see no point of a future or a life without her in it. My life was shit before her, she was my reason why. and i lost that.

My daughter would be 6 years old.
How on earth can something just be taken away so quickly with no warning, and you’re just expected to move on.

I’m not grieving my baby anymore. I’m wondering if her hair would curl like mine, if her ginger hair stayed, what her favourite colour is,
Does she enjoy nature the same way I do?
Or does she like sports like her dad did?
I’ll just never know.
I have all these unanswered thoughts that will always be just that.

I wish she knew how excited everyone was for her too. I was young but everyone loved her so much.
I’ll never get to tell her about the hat her great grandma knitted her, or how her grandma couldn’t wait for her to come.

Some nights I wake up still just in panic like I do have a child. It’s fucking crushing.
Why am I awake at 4am, 6 years later because I heard a noise and my first instinct is my baby that isn’t here .

The report finally came back about what killed my 8 year old daughter. Now I feel even more guilty than I did before. Apparently her pancreas gave out due to being an undiagnosed diabetic. She never showed any symptoms of diabetes. Even the night she died she had only been throwing up on occasion so we just thought it was a stomach bug. I feel so guilty that she died of something that could have been prevented apparently. I already felt guilty about her dying but now it's 10 times worse and I absolutely hate myself for letting this happen. Not to mention come Monday we will be able to pick up her ashes from the funeral home. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just trade places with my baby.

I jumped off of something. Not super high. Not super low either.

I guess I just wanted to know what it feels like. To feel something other than sadness.

To experience pain that’s physical. Measured. Real. Instead of this endless emotional anguish.

To fall and actually hit the bottom, instead of this free fall we’re all in.

It hurt. I’m fine. And now I can walk home thinking about how bad my feet hurt, instead of my heart.

Missing you always, Charlie.

Love, mama 🤍

I found my 30 year old son dead Wednesday. He had struggled for years with mental illness and addiction. We supported him in either an apartment and food. He had no transportation. Car was stolen when he was looking for drugs. Lost his job and had been arrested twice. Last time a fellow addict bailed him out and gave him a burner phone and he was thinking his demons within days. Didn't hear anything for a couple of days after he had agreed to a sober living treatment but the next day he was defiant announcing he wasn't going and then nothing. I drove over Wednesday morning with a key to his apartment and in the pit of my stomach I knew when I opened the scoot my life was going to be forever scarred. He was cold and already rigor mortised. It was beyond anything I would wish on anyone. I just saw the kid who loved baseball and working out and just a quiet simple life now stolen by pure evil. I don't know what I'm doing here other than sharing my heart. Did we do too much? Was he enabled? Did we do all we could? Probably a yes to all three but I don't really care it's not bringing him back. My heart is torn in two and all I can do is hold my wife and his siblings close and be the father I couldn't for him. Thank you to anyone listening.