u/t3m1sgmev

I need advice, not judgment.

Since going back to work after losing my daughter, I’ve realized how many people in my life knew about her. I work remotely and have friends, clients and business partners all over the world, so now that I’m reconnecting with people again, everyone asks about my daughter. But it also happens in everyday life, at the gym, in the street, at doctors appointments, everywhere.

My daughter died on February 6th. She was 13 months old.

The problem is that I still can’t say those words out loud to most people.

So when people casually ask, “How’s your daughter?”, I often just say:
“She’s fine,” or “She’s at home.”

And afterwards I feel awful for lying.

But saying “she died” to someone I’m not emotionally close to feels almost impossible. I feel like I would completely break down every single time, especially because most people are asking casually and aren’t expecting an answer like that.

I honestly don’t know if this is a normal grief response or if I’m handling this badly. Part of me feels guilty, but another part of me feels like I’m just trying to survive these conversations without collapsing.

Did anyone else experience this after losing a child? How did you deal with everyday conversations when the outside world kept acting normal while your whole world had fallen apart?

My daughter passed away on February 6th this year. She was 1 year old.

Because of coroner/legal procedures, I wasn’t able to organize her funeral until two months later. On Thursday, April 9th at around 7pm, I was finally told I could arrange everything, and the funeral had to be the next day (Friday) at 5pm.

As soon as I knew, I informed my family. They live about 4.5–5 hours away by car.

The next morning, my brother messaged me around 8am saying he would organize things and leave work at 10am to come. But at 1pm, he told me he couldn’t make it because he stayed late at work. His message was basically: “sorry, I can’t come, stay strong.”

None of my family came to the funeral.

Now they’re telling me I’m being too hard on them for distancing myself. Their argument is that they only had about 24 hours’ notice, my brother had work, and it was difficult to organize the trip.

From my perspective, I didn’t choose the short notice. This was my daughter’s funeral. I feel like if they truly wanted to be there, they would have found a way, especially given the circumstances.

To me, it feels like a lack of support and respect, both toward me and toward my daughter.

Because of this, I’ve told them I don’t want a relationship anymore. They say I’m overreacting.

Edit / Additional context:

Some people asked why the funeral had to be the next day.

My daughter was with the coroner/justice system for almost two months, and I had been fighting that entire time to have her back. When I finally got the authorization, it was extremely important for me not to leave her there one more day. I had already been waiting and suffering for so long without being able to properly see her and say goodbye.

My family knew about this situation and how difficult those two months were for me.

Also, regarding my brother’s work: his employer already knew that my daughter (his niece) had passed away two months earlier, and that it was only a matter of time before the funeral would happen.