u/00ZenFriend00

To start, I definitely want children one day. So does my husband. We’re in our mid/late twenties and are waiting until we can get a bigger apartment/house and for me to finish or get close to the end of my degree so that I am not freshly postpartum and struggling with school. I’m pretty sure my in-laws at one point REALLY wanted us to have kids bc they asked me if I was pregnant almost every time I saw them while we were dating (they stopped once my husband told them to) and brought up how they’d be the ones watching these children at their house while my husband and I worked (something that definitely was not discussed with us and won’t be happening). My MIL and I had a major falling out and barely pieced back together relationship change during my engagement and now things are amicable but there is definitely a wall there.

Now, our friends and family around our age are having babies left and right. At first I would joke about “oh darn, everyone is pregnant but me” but everyone knew our plans were to start trying in a couple of years. But then, every time we’d see a child either in person or in funny internet videos and they were either hyperactive or moody or anything else (how babies and toddlers typically are) my in laws would look at me and say “you still want kids?” Or “you see how babies can be?” In a putting down way like “do you really still want them? They’re hard to manage and blah blah blah.” Yes, I know how children are. I love kids. I understand that there are bad days and great days and that children are a gift and a massive responsibility. I don’t need someone patronizing me every time a stranger’s kid cries in a restaurant or a friend’s toddler needs their mother to stay on their feet with them. I think my in-laws are trying to be funny with me but they really know how to beat a dead horse with their jokes until even they are saying them with no humor anymore. Maybe I’m even more critical and easily reactive bc of all the controversy in the past. I don’t know. Does anyone else have any experience? Or any advice on how to keep my peace and handle this with grace? My patience is worn thin already and I just don’t want to put myself or my husband in any uncomfortable situations just bc my MIL said something one too many times.

I thought she was able to class up after the wedding. She acted like a high school bully when I first got engaged to my husband. We almost broke up over it. A couples counselor had to listen to my horror stories and explain to my husband that his mother is not his wife and every attack on me is an attack on him. MIL had a sudden beef with my mother during that time bc they shared a friend and that friend wasn’t helping the situation. At the end of the day, MIL was the biggest villain, then my husband was the bad guy bc he took sides while his mother acted holier than thou and borderline abusive, then me bc I could’ve handled it better and not continuously threatened breaking up at everything that woman did to me, then WAY down the totem pole would be the friend and then my mother who basically got grief for existing. My relationship got better with counseling, we had space from my in laws that got easier to deal with over time, and my mother was kind enough to invite my in laws to my bridal shower and obviously they came to the wedding. They were fine those two times.

In between the engagement, my wedding, and now, I have had two deaths in my family. We held catholic wakes and a funeral for each. The wake is public viewing so my in laws came to both despite my family not really interested in seeing them. My family acted polite but still hold grudges bc of how my MIL treated me. The in laws came and stayed for 45 minutes + both wakes (in a place where if you don’t know the deceased personally and are just there to support a friend, then you stop in briefly and leave). They were greeted kindly by my family but this most recent wake they showed up and stayed until after the last prayer and were hanging around to take my husband and I to dinner despite us obviously either going out with my family (who had the death in the family) or going home bc I was spent and had to get up early for the church funeral the next day. Not only that, but my MIL came in, my mother reached out and said “thank you for coming” and then this bitch said “anything for her (meaning me)” and turned away from my mother. She then hugged my step father, my sister, and I, purposely snubbing my mother. The fuck is wrong with this woman? I thought we made progress with the wedding and bridal shower. I’m so over this. I try to give my husband’s family grace but they’re so hostile even amongst each other. Every time I see them they have beef with at least one other person in their family, they call each other bitches and losers behind their backs. I just feel so sick around them sometimes and I was treating so poorly when my husband and I got engaged (think high school bully and silent treatment vibes) that I was ready to cut them off before and didn’t for my husband, now I’m so frustrated I need a good long break from them again. They can treat each other like enemies then best friends on a whim, but they can’t treat my family that way.

I told my husband what happened after the fact and said she is no longer allowed at my family functions no matter what that might be and that I will need a lot of space from them for now. I also told him if he cannot tell his family not to come to anymore wakes and such, then he can’t keep telling his mother things the moment they happen at all or else I won’t be telling him my family’s private life events anymore and he can stay home. He just sort of nods and says he didn’t see the snubbing and that he doesn’t think his mother would do that (despite me saying I saw it with my own eyes and how else would anyone read that situation) so I think it’s time to go back to counseling.