u/0l0l0l0l0l0l0l0

I’ve been stuck in a constant debt loop cycle thanks to my prostitute addiction that started last year. It’s crazy to think I went from a complete virgin at 20 to a sex addict blowing close to a 100k/all my life savings on one specific prostitute that I am no longer in contact with.

Yesterday I drove past the streets I see prostitutes after not being around there for atleast a month now and felt immense fomo. If I didn’t have financial responsibilities now beyond just my debt I would’ve fell into temptation so I ultimately didn’t fall for the trap. But it’s not like I don’t want to. My mindset overall has not changed after reaching rock bottom. Several times it feels like. I still see this addiction as something ongoing. It’s just paused because I’m drowning in daily expenses.

I feel like the biggest loser and disappointment to my entire family. I look at those around my age (22) all with their nice newer model cars while I lost my car after mechanical issues, no funds to fix it, and junking it and now driving a van with over 300k miles that I haven’t even finished off paying. Dude my life is a mess. I have a bank account that’s been negative for almost 2 months that I just can’t afford to take care of right now because of high interest loans I’m stuck with. (200%+apr). every single day I get calls from all sorts of area codes which are most definitely debt collectors because I haven’t paid off my student loans in months. I’m trying my hardest to stay afloat. I’m taking it day by day but I’m getting so damn impatient man. I feel like I haven’t had “fun” in so long and now I just want to fix everything over the next 2/3 months which I think is possible if everything in my business stays busy. But I also feel just so shitty overall and unmotivated knowing I’ve spent all this year paying off debt and only having relapsed about 5 times total this year and feeling like I haven’t made a dent meanwhile last year I was paying for sex almost every other day.

But I only am working this dam hard to ultimately relapse. I fucking hate that I’m a slave to this stuff. I feel as if I’m to worthless to ever build a real relationship with a real women. I don’t have the looks or the money or the social skills/charisma. I feel as if every aspect of my life is lacking. I’m just an empty vessel stuck in this miserable addiction. Knowingly looking for love in the wrong places. I thought I found it and became someone who I am not and lost everything. Story of my life. I’m trying to recreate myself. Do better. It’s hard to see the vision when everyday is just another expense none of my earnings are going to me. I’m just so frustrated with what I’ve done to myself. I know I’m a crazy person. Who In there right mind ruins their life this early when the entire thing was avoidable and still want to partake in said actions. I’m an evil person. I’m sorry.

everyday. So many reminders. Mother’s Day was yet another reminder of where I was last year, stuck in my prostitute addiction in love with the same one for a year straight.

I remember it vividly. I wasn’t home at all last Mother’s Day. I had no morals whatsoever. I put this prostitute above everything. I wasn’t even gonna get anything for my mom, the prostitute had to convince me to get flowers for her. I had just opened a credit card that day because I was low on funds. Maxxed out the card at a nice restaurant with her. Then Spent the last bit of cash getting drunk with her all day.

I had a closer connection to her than what most John’s and sex workers would normally have. I considered her a friend although the basis of our relationship is a transaction at the end of the day.

I look back at all the memorable times we’ve had way too often. It goes beyond sex.

I know I know I know. I was looking at everything in a way she just couldn’t. This is her a job. I get it.

It’s been 5 months since I ran her out my life by being way too possessive. I don’t have the same excitement in spending money on prostitutes anymore although I’ve spent at least 3k this year paying for sex. Every single time I’m just met with the same shitty feeling. At least with the prostitute I loved she would still hangout with me after the deed was done. I miss the feeling she gave me. I try to replicate it with these other women and just feel stupid trying to convince them to make me their priority. I don’t have the time or money to do that anymore like I did last year.

I’m in a weird part in my recovery. I’m having a hard time accepting it was never about sex. I was trying to get love with money. And that’s just not possible I guess. I reread all my old posts. All the replies I’ve been given by members of this sub. You all tried to steer me away from her. I thank you for telling me what didn’t want to hear. I gave every excuse as to why I couldn’t let go of her. I mentally couldn’t handle letting go of someone I sacrificed so much for. Imagine you gave your life savings to someone and now you’re being told to remove her out of your life. I did not want to hear what needed to be told to me early on. It took me losing everything including her to listen to the advice I’ve been given.

I’m stuck in my head of what’s next. Idk if I’ll ever let go of yearning for her. It’s all said and done. It’s over with. But she’s still in my damn mind. And usually it results negatively. I’m sad with my life circumstances so it’s easy for me to just think about when it felt like life was going good.

I just hope to be happy again. I’ve been nothing but stressed and depressed watching my money go bye bye thanks to the debt I’ve put myself in. I really hope things change.