I just spent 1,000 euros on OnlyFans.
I am not looking for pity here. I know I am a horrible person; I just need to hit rock bottom and face the truth. The title is true. I do not know why I did it.
A bit of context about me: I am a man with a job, a loving family, and friends. But I have always had serious issues with porn and sexuality in general. My first realization came with my ex-girlfriend when I was 18. She was a very sensitive person, and I realized I had a problem because I used apps like Snapchat and Kik to sext others. At the time, I knew it was wrong to do that while in a relationship, but I did not see it as an aberration. It continued until one night I was messaging a girl on Instagram I used to flirt with. I lied to her, saying my girlfriend and I were having sexual problems, just to have an excuse to be unfaithful. We planned to meet. The next day, I woke up and realized what I had done while drunk. I knew it was a mistake, so I told her not to meet. A few days later, I felt so sick that I confessed to my ex. It hurt her deeply. Later, the sexting came to mind. I thought "There is no way she will ever find out," but thankfully my morals were still working on some level, so I decided to tell her, which only made things worse. She left me, but we kept talking.
Things got much worse after that. I started recalling strange behaviors and very weid content I had consumed. The worst of it, and I know it is abominable, is that I once hired a sex worker and masturbated to a photo of my aunt. That is when I realized I had a huge problem. Something clicked, and I could not stop confessing things, each worse than the last. I fell into a depression, isolated myself from friends, and only saw one close friend who only knew 1% of the truth. I went to a therapist and was diagnosed with OCD.
Eventually, this girl and I got back together, and it was the worst years of both our lives, all because of me. It was a constant cycle of me confessing things to her, even when she begged me to stop. There was a point where I could not even walk down the street; I would keep my head down because if I saw a woman, I would think I wanted to cheat on her, along with darker thoughts I will not mention. I was not doing drugs or drinking, but after a couple of years, the relationship was toxic, with constant arguing, no sex, and no affection. She finally left me, and it was the best thing she ever did. I spiraled for a week, barely sleeping. Then I realized I did not even love her. She told me we had a codependency issue and to think about it for a week. When I called her back, I thanked her for everything and told her it was best we go our separate ways.
I continued therapy and improved significantly. I was able to forgive myself, or at least move on. A couple of years passed, and I was relatively stable. My therapist discharged me after a test showed my OCD was no longer acute. Everything went well for a while. I reconnected with friends and met a girl, but it only lasted a few weeks because I started showing signs of codependency and that compulsive need to confess everything. It all fell apart when I told her I had been unfaithful in the past. We stopped talking shortly after. In the meantime, I graduated and got a good job.
Everything was fine until the day before yesterday. I remembered a profile on OnlyFans that I found attractive. Out of curiosity, I checked it out. The subscription was only 3 dollars. I knew I would feel horrible but I thought "Why not?" I paid. Of course, she messaged me, and I knew deep down it was either a bot or someone on her team. I paid the first 25 dollars. She kept promising content, and I kept paying, until it reached 600 euros. The post-nut clarity hit me, and I realized how stupid I was. I stayed up all night, tried to ignore the thought, but it was too strong. Today, I masturbated to the content she sent and decided to delete the account. I have been thinking about this all day. It turns out my bank had blocked my card, thinking it was fraud. They called me, and it was the most embarrassing conversation of my life: "Was it you who made these purchases on OnlyFans?" "Yes, it was me." "Perfect, we have updated your account settings so you can continue making those purchases."
I do not know why, but I started searching for free OnlyFans, but it was not the same. Deep down, I wanted to buy more content. I remembered another girl, and although the experience was more satisfying because she at least responded, after finishing, I checked my account. I had spent a total of 1,000 euros (yes I don't live in the US), and they blocked my card again.
I have a serious problem. I know I am a horrible person. I am not looking for compassion; I just want to put this out there, hear how much of an idiot I am, and face it. Deep down, I just want to be loved, but I know nobody will ever love me if I tell them all of this. Lying is not an option for me, so I have come to terms with the idea that I will be single for the rest of my life.
TL;DR: I have struggled with OCD, porn, and compulsive behavior for years. After thinking I had recovered, I relapsed hard on OnlyFans, spending 1,000 euros and having a humiliating call with my bank. I feel like a complete piece of trash.
PS: In the midst of all this, I have also developed a habit of smoking 2 or more cigarettes in a row. Even though I always thought I was just a "bad person" and that I didn't suffer from OCD I think I genuinely have a compulsive personality.