u/1-n33d-help

My eldest sister, a crazy son of a bitch really, but I love her. She had a furby when she was around 7 or 8. I would’ve been one or two at the time so I don’t remember this but oh boy does my mother and brother remember. We went to a fair, my sister brought her furby because she can. But they left it in the trunk of the car because she’s not going to be carrying it around the whole night. Remember how furbys get scared of the dark sometimes? This fuckass furby started wailing as loud as it could and people thought my mother left a live baby in the back of the trunk. So what do people do? They call the police. It got solved that it was just a furby but still. Police came for a fucking furby. Pretty sure my mum threw the thing out afterwards.

This is my first time doing this, I’ll do my best, feel free to give opinions on some of my matters ❤️.
I am a 14 year old female, so I get I’m in that ‘ changing ‘ zone. We’ll go from the start, I’ve always been a shy kid, quiet, would cry if I got yelled at, also the youngest of 3. My parents divorced when I was around 4, my dad’s an alcoholic but still loving and nice, my mother is hard to describe, but with these stories you’ll figure her out. In year 4 I had such bad anxiety I threw up every morning before school, i stopped in year 5 but I would still get sick if something was worrying me. In year 5 a teacher yelled at me for the first time because I owned up to doing something that other girls got in trouble for, when I went home I bawled my eyes out and sat in the corner of the bathroom curled into a ball, in this year I also wanted more meat as an extra snack at night after dinner, mind you I was really growing at this time, and my mother yelled at me that I was eating like a ‘ 40 year old man ‘. Year 6 came, I was doing okay, but I live mostly with mum for school, going to dads on the holidays, but I wanted to move to dads because I was happier there. I finally built up the courage to tell my mum, I told her ‘ just think about it, don’t answer until tomorrow ‘, but of course she didn’t just leave it for the night, the next day she yelled at me, said I didn’t love her enough, didn’t talk to me for like the entire day, when I couldn’t breathe and was shaking while crying because she was yelling at me, she yelled at me to stop faking. I’ve never brought up moving to dads again with her, though she still jokes about it like she didn’t yell at me that I was a horrible person when I was only 12. Now I’m in year 7, new school, new friends, I was nervous, I didn’t want to go, I got anxiety, quite normal reactions for me, my attendance got bad so of course I’d understand my mother yelling at me or telling me to go more, but she just had to say that if I didn’t go I’d have no future and more things that I’ve blocked out of my memory. Another time that year I ate a fair few chocolates, I knew I shouldn’t be doing it but I’m a child, I wanted chocolate and it was available, she started yelling at me that I’d get fat, and ugly, and no one wants a fat girl. It’s later in the year, we’re doing a prayer thing at school, it was a holy prayer so I couldn’t just take my loud ass jacket off in the middle of it, my vision went white and I couldn’t stand properly, I was about to faint, so teachers quickly took me out ( yes my fainting is linked to heat since I’m sensitive to head and have a whole other thing going there with heat and fainting that I haven’t really told my parents and should tell a doctor ) and naturally they called my mum to pick me up, when I got in the car she yelled at me that I was faking to get out of school and when at home to give her all my devices and to write her a letter on how I’m sorry and why I faked fainting, where I wrote down how I didn’t fake and that I was sad she’d even say that to me, she didn’t say much but gave me my electronics back. I’m now in year 8 ( this year ), I stayed home, and I was just enjoying the peace and forgot to wash up my dishes, not too many, but when my mum got home she freaked out on me, saying I was lazy and yelling at me. I naturally started to cry, and she started yelling at me for that, I cried that I was sorry but she yelled at me to say why I was sorry, I said for the dishes of course but she wasn’t happy with that answer. She proceeded to tell me how men will see how much I cry and take advantage of me, how I’m pathetic and weak, and even mocked my crowing and me saying sorry right to my face. She yelled at me to stop crying, but the tears wouldn’t stop, god I’m even crying while typing this, but it’s okay because no one will see this anyway, I naturally have long nails, so to stop myself from crying I dug my nail into my wrist as hard as I could, at the end of it she played it off like she was doing me a favour and just warning me. When I went into the shower and kept crying I looked at my wrist and I dug my nail so far into my wrist if I went any harder it would be bleeding, the scratch was maybe about 5cm long and I just told people at school it was from my cat. Whenever I tell my mum about things she always turns it into a lesson about ‘ evil men ‘ and how I’ll get taken advantage of, even when I told her I wouldn’t let that happen and ‘ I only got caught off guard so I jumped ‘ she would just say ‘ doesn’t matter they’ll see you’re weak and take advantage of you ‘, even tried telling her that I’ve stood up to these boys before but she ignored me and kept talking about how I’ll get taken advantage of. My mum has also yelled at me saying there’s something wrong with me, but after drilling that idea into my head, says ‘ nothings wrong with you ‘ when I take the point and say myself that somethings wrong with me.
I don’t like being self aware to the point I feel guilty just at thinking things deemed ‘ mean ‘ or ‘ wrong ‘, I understand my emotions but can’t fix them. Is there something wrong with me? is it my parents? Is there a psychological disorder or issue that I could possibly fit into and investigate? ( not as diagnosis,just to see what may help and to explore tactics )

This is my first time doing this, I’ll do my best, feel free to give opinions on some of my matters ❤️.
I am a 14 year old female, so I get I’m in that ‘ changing ‘ zone. We’ll go from the start, I’ve always been a shy kid, quiet, would cry if I got yelled at, also the youngest of 3. My parents divorced when I was around 4, my dad’s an alcoholic but still loving and nice, my mother is hard to describe, but with these stories you’ll figure her out. In year 4 I had such bad anxiety I threw up every morning before school, i stopped in year 5 but I would still get sick if something was worrying me. In year 5 a teacher yelled at me for the first time because I owned up to doing something that other girls got in trouble for, when I went home I bawled my eyes out and sat in the corner of the bathroom curled into a ball, in this year I also wanted more meat as an extra snack at night after dinner, mind you I was really growing at this time, and my mother yelled at me that I was eating like a ‘ 40 year old man ‘. Year 6 came, I was doing okay, but I live mostly with mum for school, going to dads on the holidays, but I wanted to move to dads because I was happier there. I finally built up the courage to tell my mum, I told her ‘ just think about it, don’t answer until tomorrow ‘, but of course she didn’t just leave it for the night, the next day she yelled at me, said I didn’t love her enough, didn’t talk to me for like the entire day, when I couldn’t breathe and was shaking while crying because she was yelling at me, she yelled at me to stop faking. I’ve never brought up moving to dads again with her, though she still jokes about it like she didn’t yell at me that I was a horrible person when I was only 12. Now I’m in year 7, new school, new friends, I was nervous, I didn’t want to go, I got anxiety, quite normal reactions for me, my attendance got bad so of course I’d understand my mother yelling at me or telling me to go more, but she just had to say that if I didn’t go I’d have no future and more things that I’ve blocked out of my memory. Another time that year I ate a fair few chocolates, I knew I shouldn’t be doing it but I’m a child, I wanted chocolate and it was available, she started yelling at me that I’d get fat, and ugly, and no one wants a fat girl. It’s later in the year, we’re doing a prayer thing at school, it was a holy prayer so I couldn’t just take my loud ass jacket off in the middle of it, my vision went white and I couldn’t stand properly, I was about to faint, so teachers quickly took me out ( yes my fainting is linked to heat since I’m sensitive to head and have a whole other thing going there with heat and fainting that I haven’t really told my parents and should tell a doctor ) and naturally they called my mum to pick me up, when I got in the car she yelled at me that I was faking to get out of school and when at home to give her all my devices and to write her a letter on how I’m sorry and why I faked fainting, where I wrote down how I didn’t fake and that I was sad she’d even say that to me, she didn’t say much but gave me my electronics back. I’m now in year 8 ( this year ), I stayed home, and I was just enjoying the peace and forgot to wash up my dishes, not too many, but when my mum got home she freaked out on me, saying I was lazy and yelling at me. I naturally started to cry, and she started yelling at me for that, I cried that I was sorry but she yelled at me to say why I was sorry, I said for the dishes of course but she wasn’t happy with that answer. She proceeded to tell me how men will see how much I cry and take advantage of me, how I’m pathetic and weak, and even mocked my crowing and me saying sorry right to my face. She yelled at me to stop crying, but the tears wouldn’t stop, god I’m even crying while typing this, but it’s okay because no one will see this anyway, I naturally have long nails, so to stop myself from crying I dug my nail into my wrist as hard as I could, at the end of it she played it off like she was doing me a favour and just warning me. When I went into the shower and kept crying I looked at my wrist and I dug my nail so far into my wrist if I went any harder it would be bleeding, the scratch was maybe about 5cm long and I just told people at school it was from my cat. Whenever I tell my mum about things she always turns it into a lesson about ‘ evil men ‘ and how I’ll get taken advantage of, even when I told her I wouldn’t let that happen and ‘ I only got caught off guard so I jumped ‘ she would just say ‘ doesn’t matter they’ll see you’re weak and take advantage of you ‘, even tried telling her that I’ve stood up to these boys before but she ignored me and kept talking about how I’ll get taken advantage of. My mum has also yelled at me saying there’s something wrong with me, but after drilling that idea into my head, says ‘ nothings wrong with you ‘ when I take the point and say myself that somethings wrong with me.
I don’t like being self aware to the point I feel guilty just at thinking things deemed ‘ mean ‘ or ‘ wrong ‘, I understand my emotions but can’t fix them. Is there something wrong with me? is it my parents? Is there a psychological disorder or issue that I could possibly fit into and investigate? ( not as diagnosis,just to see what may help )