Returning to an office job after being "unmasked" for 7 years... oh man....
TLDR: I was a pro-level masker. I graduated in 2017, I worked office jobs for two years and did okay in them before leaving. Now I'm going back for the first time in 7 years, and things that didn't used to bother me are now causing me to struggle.
I did very well in school (good grades, honors everything) and fine in the office environment pre 2019. Socially it was rough. I didn't have the words for it at the time, but for the majority of my life, masking was basically my #1 goal every minute of every day. I would give myself a "strike" if I did something weird, said anything strange, or got bullied (I saw getting bullied as something I deserved for being weird). My goal was to end the day with as few strikes as possible. I would internally berate myself whenever I got a "strike". I also surrounded myself with bully-ish friends who's goal it was to "fix" me (because I was 'pretty and funny' and 'could be cool if I wasn't so weird') and allowed them to direct me as they pleased. This was what occupied my thoughts from ages, idk, 8 to 25?
In 2019 a bunch of stuff happened - I quit my office job to go freelance (since that was always my goal) and moved out of my parents house and in with my partner. I handle the work itself very well - never late, praised for good work, and I have a pretty expansive portfolio at this point. Sometimes I overbook myself and struggle with scheduling, but other than that, it's been alright.
Working mostly solo has been very freeing. My partner is also supremely sweet and really prioritizes my comfort and expressiveness, and for the first time since I was a child I've really been feeling this huge sense of relief, like I can finally just, idk... exist without constant anxiety. I have a wide circle of friends who are actually nice. I find joy in being creative again. Sometimes I find myself acting a bit "childish" - I collect stuffed animals and make little dolls of my ocs and play with them. I even went to therapy because (shocker, I know) turns out monitoring and punishing yourself every day for almost 2 decades does some pretty serious mental damage. I think there's parts of me that are permanently fried, and I still slip into occasional but serious bouts of self-loathing.
Recently, an opportunity came up where I'd be working in a standard office environment two days a week. The pay is very good, and with the price of, well.... everything... going up, I couldn't really refuse it.
And man... I don't remember struggling this much at my previous office jobs. I dread meetings and feel like I'm gonna barf from anxiety. I zone out when people talk to me. The glare-y fluorescent lights piss me off, the sound of my coworkers eating pisses me off, anyone interrupting me while I'm working makes me feel like I'm gonna snap. When people ask me a question I get so flustered that I flub my words and can barely string a sentence together. I constantly feel overwhelmed and get horribly paranoid that everyone in the office hates me. Even though it's only two days, I'm so exhausted by the end of it that I can't do anything but sleep.
I really don't remember this stuff bothering me at this level, and now suddenly it does. I have no idea why; I don't know if my traits just got more "severe" somehow, or if this is a result of being non-masking for so long. No idea where to begin coping with this. I don't want to quit - the work itself is quite easy and everything else is pretty standard, I just feel like I'm going to explode by the end of every day and idk how to fix it.