i stopped fangirling and now i think i might be depressed.
i'm a fangirl (just gonna specify i mean that in the gender neutral sense) at heart and that's never changed, but i've been losing interest in things i truly genuinely love with all my heart recently and that's when i realised something serious might be going on.
i've always considered that i might have/develop depression because my entire family (father, mother, sister, and many extended family membership) has depression, from mild to clinical so i'm certainly at a genetic risk for it.
for the past few years i've been passively suicidal, feel like i don't love anybody (which makes me feel terrible, because not only do i know i feel genuine and all consuming love for my fangirl passions, but i also know i'm loved very much by my dear friends and family but i honestly can't tell if i love them back), and just can't really see a future for myself. none of this has interfered with my ability to feel joy and function/perform well in school, as a family member, as a friend, in society, in developing new interests/passions etc. but.
it's gotten much worse recently due to some personal circumstances which should thankfully soon pass, but the dread i feel every day is just crazy intense. university is exacerbating it, too. i went in knowing my program wasn't something i was passionate about, but could make me a living ethically and in a way i would feel good about, but i didn't realise the lack of passion among myself and my peers would get to me so much.
i'm legitimately on the verge of tears every waking hour. i burst into tears no less than 10 times today, all 'provoked' by nothing more than a passing thought ("i love this song", "i miss my friend even if I texted her 2 days ago", "oh, pink pocket lint"). i feel like it's not even the thoughts themselves that brought on the tears, but rather the thoughts making me suddenly remember i'm a human being that is conscious--which made me cry.
i also can't bring myself to be interested in anything: in my spring classes, my favourite book, new music, my favourite girl group, my favourite boy group, the essay i self-assigned and started writing, the movie i'm writing the essay on... none of it. it feels like my ability to feel joy was just suddenly stolen from me.
i almost wonder if i've had some sort of high-functioning (is that a thing?) depression my whole life that's only now become a maybe serious thing... anyone else have experience with this?