u/143LAURA

I wanted to go no contact with my mother when I was 19, but I didn't. I kept hoping things would somehow get better because she was still my mother.
Instead, I stayed in that relationship for another 16 years.
I finally went no contact at 34.
One example why it happend…

When I was about 13, my father was drunk, as he always was. My mother was sitting at a table writing what looked like a suicide note. She wasn't planning to kill herself. She was trying to manipulate my father into feeling guilty.
The problem was that he was too drunk to care.
I realized what she was writing, panicked, and ran after her because I genuinely believed my mother was about to kill herself. I still remember that fear.
Nothing happened.
She never intended to go through with it. It was just another way to manipulate people around her.

The cruel irony is that six years later, I found another suicide note on that very same table.

It was my little brother's.
He had already taken his own life. He climbed an electricity pole and jumped. I was the one who found him.
While my brother was struggling enough to end his life, my mother was center of the attention, everyone was worried about her and why she did not go to work and so on-Well she was drinking with my father.

I still carry guilt. Intellectually, I know I wasn't responsible. I was a child growing up in a deeply dysfunctional family.

Even now, she still tries to contact me.
Every email ends with one word:
Mother

As if that title alone gives her authority. As if simply calling herself "Mother" should erase everything that happened or obligate me to respond.
To me, being a mother isn't a title you sign at the end of an email. It's something you earn through love, safety, and protecting your children.

I miss my little brother every single day.
Going no contact at 34 didn't change the past, but it finally ended the cycle. I only wish I had found the strength to do it sooner.

I went no contact with my mother four years ago, and lately the guilt has been creeping back. I'm wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

I grew up with two brothers. My father was an alcoholic, and my mother was deeply codependent. There was constant emotional and physical abuse in our home. I was hit with a belt as a child, and I witnessed my parents fighting both physically and emotionally. One time my father punched me in the face simply because I didn't know where my mother was.

For most of my life, I believed my mother was the victim. We lived in poverty for years, and there was even a period when I slept on the floor. Despite everything, she always chose my father.

When I was 19, my younger brother died by suicide. At the time, my parents were out drinking together. After that, my mother stopped drinking, started taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication, and eventually left my father, largely because my older brother pushed her to. My older brother has always been her favorite child and has taken on the role of taking care of her.

Around 2020, I finally started realizing that my mother's behavior toward me was also toxic. She never respected my boundaries. If I asked her not to do something, she would do it anyway. She constantly called me to vent about her problems, and I became her therapist. I spent years trying to help and support her, but I never felt appreciated, and nothing I did was ever enough.

One moment that really stayed with me happened when my child started crying after seeing a fly. Instead of comforting my child, my mother had a complete emotional meltdown herself and ended up crying hysterically on the floor. My oldest son later told me what had happened. That was one of the moments that made me realize how emotionally unstable she was and that I didn't want my children growing up around that.

Eventually, I reached my limit and went no contact.

The problem is that I still feel guilty. I feel like I've taken their grandmother away from my children. At the same time, I don't want a relationship with her. Sometimes I even catch myself thinking that it would be easier if she were dead. I know that sounds awful, but it would mean I wouldn't have to keep struggling with this decision or worry about her trying to contact me.

I haven't seen my father in about ten years, and oddly enough, that's much easier because he doesn't try to contact me. My mother still reaches out occasionally to wish me a happy birthday or sends other messages, and every time it brings all of these feelings back.

I've also struggled with obsessive thoughts since I was a teenager, and this situation has become one of those recurring thought loops. I keep questioning whether I did the right thing, even though I remember exactly why I made this decision.

Has anyone else gone no contact with a parent and still felt overwhelming guilt, even though you know it was the healthiest choice? How do you cope with it?