Immense guilt/anger at self after having sex
Trigger warning for SA. This is partly a rant, partly asking if anyone else feels the same way.
I'm 27/f. As a child, I was sexually assaulted. It then happened again a few times as a teenager. Pretty much every relationship I ever got into when I was young was unpleasant, and sex was never very fun for me.
In my early 20s, I got very ill and needed an emergency hysterectomy. My body and my sexuality have NEVER felt like my own - just something that other people own and pass around.
This past year, I met someone and for the first time in my life, I don't feel afraid when I'm with them. He is kind and respectful. And when we have sex, I'm not scared. I feel like I'm finally getting to know my own sexuality and it feels so, so liberating.
Then the UTIs started. I've had three so far this year. The last one really fucked up my body (suddenly turned allergic to Macrobid, was switched to Bactrim and dear god my gut health hasn't recovered and it's been a month - plus I feel like my pelvic health has decreased with each UTI and I'm worried I've caused permanent nerve damage).
Now I'm in this fucked up place where I want to have sex, for the first time in my life, and yet I shouldn't because I know it could cause me some really horrible health problems.
It's at the point where last night I had sex with my partner - freshly showered, peed immediately after, took d-mannose and drank a ton of water - and today I am racked with anxiety, shame, guilt, and self-disgust that I would even DARE risk my health again just to have some sex. I feel like a disgusting freak. The amount of self-slut-shaming happening in my head is unbearable.
How am I supposed to reclaim my sexuality when my body doesn't want me to be sexual? How am I supposed to have a healthy relationship when my body is doing all this to me? I finally have the chance to be a "normal" 27 year old - as normal as I can get without a uterus and with all my fucked up assault history - and suddenly it's being taken away from me because I keep getting stupid UTIs.
Does anyone else deal with this guilt? Is sex just not for me? I want to cry thinking about all the times I had sex without wanting to, and no infection happened (I did get a few UTIs when I was younger, but they were a lot rarer), but now that I actually WANT sex my body is rejecting it. What the fuck? Am I not meant to have consensual sex? Why is my body doing this??? Fuck. I feel disgusting and like such a failure of a woman. Any advice would be great. I can't really talk about this with my doctor (he just says that I need to stop being so picky with my antibiotics because there's only so many available and that side effects are just par for the course).