A journal entry from ?
This is pointless
Nothing I am about to write on this page will matter because I have been stuck in this moment for at least 5 years. I am coming down from a binge, not high but not sober. The time where my life is in shambles, I am suicidal and depressed so I try to make plans to get my life together but nothing ever changes as is evident by my life. So I’m just typing to type, maybe I’ll delete from shame or maybe I’ll come across this in a few months or years and be sad at the more time I will likely waste in the interim.
My law school semester ended yesterday, I don’t know if I’ll pass this semester and I don’t know what’s next because I spent all of this semester binging in and out. I was supposed to graduate but I won’t be until 6 months to a year later if at all. I had a manic episode for months and destroyed all of my relationships right in time for everyone to go their own separate ways. I am for sure typing this in psychosis, but it would be cool to have some narrative skill.
I am just typing to type because it is 2:00pm and I have no energy from not sleeping, but nothing I produce today will last into tomorrow. I wish I knew how to paint a picture, because I am sitting on this ledge and I lost control a long time ago. I relapsed during my first semester of law school, and I relapsed my second. I went to rehab, came back and relapsed so bad I ruined every single relationship in my life.
All anyone knows of my past few months is that I was probably on drugs, but the way I acted on campus and the life that I have lived. Honestly I've lived months like that in the past, and I’ll probably do so in the future because I am incapable of change. I honestly have been thinking about walking in front of a train so often, I won’t do it but it's a thought and it keeps coming back.
I don’t really know where to go from here, I think the psychotic break at the start of the year and being in a 51/50 hold really was the beginning of the final end. I do not think I am the same person I was then, I do not know what has changed but something has. Although, I was doing pretty shitty before which probably led to the break but it somehow got worse after that.
I do not really know what to do with myself anymore, I have nothing to be excited about. I am all alone, I have nothing but debt I am dealing with addiction, suicidal lightly and now I moved back home for a while but even in elk grove its just me and a room. I don’t even want to accept this reality that I am, and I do not if I live through it all.
Genuinely, I hate my life and existence. If there is a higher power than it has forsaken me and had forsaken me from the very start without giving me any real chance at living a life that wasn’t set up for failure. This existence is a burden, I wish I was someone else.
I notice the birds crying and being upset so much more often now, I don’t know its because of my life circumstances or if I've been in psychosis for that long. There is nothing in this moment, inside of the realm of existence, that brings me any type of hope for tomorrow. I think I just put off the final semester, until it ended. No matter what that did for my life.