Dating Pains
My husband died 2 years and 3 months ago. We were together for 12 years, I met him on the eve of his 28th birthday when I was almost 23 years old and I am now nearly 37f. He died at 39 on 1-28-24 from a relapse and overdose. He was sober for the last 5 of the 12 years together, so you can imagine the anxiety I had throughout our time together. I should add that of course he was the sweetest most thoughtful and sensitive person, a hard and successful worker, a goofy and silly guy. He was also so handsome to boot.
I had some rebound dates at the end of last summer but I decided after his 2 year anniversary I would try dating more intentionally. I miss having a connection with a person and I know my husband would want me to move forward with my life after he lost his own to his illness. Dated a Dad this spring (46m) that ended pretty quickly, which lead to my latest date.
This guy I met last Friday (41m) we hung out on Sunday day and Monday night afterwards. Immediately hit it off. Had a biking date reminiscent of the dates my husband and I often had. I have been smitten. We texted, it has been so so long since I’ve had someone on the other line to text that I was crushing on. Then comes this Friday, a big event at my work that I ended up drinking too much at and not enough food. I was drunk texting this guy and it went from cute to desperate within a couple hours. He then told me he was overwhelmed and possibly not feeling at strongly as I was about him and he canceled our date that should have been last night (Sunday) to ‘take things slower’. I feel good about my responses to him, they were apologetic and honest without going too much into my psyche. He hasn’t responded since my last text Sunday night.
This all leads me to share that I have been diving deep into some feelings this weekend I have shut down for probably the last year. How much I missed texting my husband, having him check in on me and me him, and having him at arms reach whenever physically or technologically. Especially when inebriated and uninhibited (this doesn’t happen often, this was a fluke), I slip into my old habits from my 12 year relationship.
I am excited to have met this guy and hit it off, but understand I acted inappropriately for how little I know him. I understand it’s my anxious attachment, it’s something in my life I can’t control. I control my life to the point of very few surprises, and when they come I can figure them out. I have been super therapized as well over the last 7 years.
This isn’t the first time I scared one of the new dates off from my…overzealousness. I want the reassurance they like me. I’ve been letting myself tap in this weekend to what I’ve been missing from my old life and the tears haven’t stopped coming. I haven’t cried this much in a long time. I keep it surface level when it comes to my husband with others. Even when I share about his death on dates I try to brush past it. I don’t want to seem damaged and that I am totally fine and normal. This weekend really broke open how lonely I’ve been, and how much I want my old life back.
I barely know this person I’ve met, but was excited about the connection and now I feel I’ve totally ducked it up. I hate to blame any of my actions on my husband’s death. I take responsibility for my actions sober or drunk. I don’t want to come off having this baggage, or am too much to deal with. But the truth is I do have it and the grief can show up at any time without me knowing. It’s almost like it could be any guy on the other line of the phone, I was getting the attention I craved for a week and it was wonderful.
Thanks for reading this far. I am not sure if the point of this pos except I’ve been ruminating, journaling, and talking to friends all weekend about this trying to sort it out. I wanted to share with the widowers who might be in a similar situation. Maybe get some feedback or thoughts, suggestions, consolation.