I need to commit this time.
I’m a 21 y/o college female who has never had a healthy relationship with alcohol. Since I started college, I can’t remember going more than ~5 days without drinking. My drinking was never casual. It was sneaky. And it was to cope with trauma and stress. Most recently, I’ve been consuming a 1.75 L of shitty vodka every 3-4 days. Normally 3. And normally drinking throughout the day. My addiction shows in my health, both mental and physical. My memory is shot, my psoriasis is worse than it ever has been, small scratches and bruises take forever to heal, my anxiety and depression is through the roof, I haven’t slept through the night in probably 2 years without the help of liquor to knock me out. Plus I’ve gained over 25 pounds in the past two years.
All I do is lie to myself and others. I’ve become a shell of who I use to be. I’m ashamed to admit I’ve only tried to get sober maybe 3 times and have actually made it more than 2-3 days. But this time I really want to be successful. It’s gonna mean fessing up to my family and friends, removing myself from the typical college hangouts where I’m surrounded by temptation, and a lot of determination on my part. I know I should get medical help detoxing, but I can’t afford to miss classes. I also can’t afford to die from withdrawals. I’m just so fucking lost. But I know what I need to do. I can’t live the rest of my life like this. I’m absolutely an alcoholic, but I’m also an artist and a great cook and an avid writer. Alcohol has made me stupid and fat and unmotivated to do anything I once loved. So it’s time to get real with myself.
My main concerns are the physical and mental effects I have experienced (horrible back/neck/shoulder pain, chest tightness, weird tingling in my upper right back, crazy fucking nightmares, anxiety, insomnia…). I get so anxious thinking about what is to come as I continue detoxing. I just want to be okay. I want to be the person I know I can be.
If anyone has advice for me, especially in navigating the physical symptoms, please leave it in a comment or message me. Honestly I’m just so scared. The physical pain is enough to make me want to go back to the vodka, but I’ve already experienced kindling enough to know I can never drink again. That’s just my life at this point. I got myself here, and it’s up to me to get myself out.