u/2061221

i made a post yesterday about not understanding what the point of dissociation is. sorry about that. afterwards i went to write a journal entry. my handwriting looks and feels completely different to everything else in there. i feel lost and confused around my interpersonal relationships like i’ve forgotten how to interact with all of them. i know i understood dissociation at some point but i don’t anymore.

i don’t know if i’m the new host or if i’m just here or what’s going on but i don’t know what to do. i hate that my whole life can be yanked out from under me and all im left with are the tools to function (doing fine at work) and nothing else (i don’t have interests. i just lay here in my free time. i don’t know how to talk to the people i’m supposed to care about.)

i’m trying to be transparent with my closest friends about it because they’ve been through this before, where i have to re-learn how to interact with them, but i hate it. i hate this. i feel so guilty. it can’t be worth being friends with someone who will wake up at random and forget how everything’s supposed to go and expect everyone to be okay with that.

i have no idea what to do. i don’t know who i am i just know i don’t know anything. any sort of help or empathy is appreciated.

i don't know how to phrase this well so i'm sorry in advance and i promise i'm not trying to apply this mentality to literally anyone but myself, but... i just don't see the point in trying to function as a system. it's all "one person" regardless of how disconnected i feel in a given moment, and i only feel that disconnection because of a maladaptive coping mechanism. i don't understand how it would benefit me to try and foster more disconnection, if that makes sense? it's kind of a stupid question, sorry.

i’ve been to five different therapists in my life. it doesn’t matter the modality, the therapist, the structure, in-person or online… i can’t talk about myself. at all. i tell the therapist this and they go Surely it can’t be that bad and then they get increasingly confused on what to do with me because i just won’t give them anything. it’s not on purpose. i try. the more i try the more catatonic i get as everyone tries to stop me from talking about myself. even making this post is like pulling teeth and it’s going to take monumental effort to not delete it.

but i’m not doing well on my own. i have no support system, no coping methods, and nothing works to instill those things. i hit rock bottom earlier this month and barely managed to scrape out of it before things got serious, and i don’t know if i’ll be able to do that again.

i know the obvious answer is to just keep trying more therapists and maybe someday i’ll find something that works, but it’s so much of a hassle that it doesn’t feel worth it. throwing money in a hole in hopes it’ll fix me would have the same effect if not less harmful because i think my last attempt at therapy seriously fucked me up about it with how adamant that therapist was on not understanding anything about me. i don’t see a path where therapy makes me better.

i seriously just don’t know what to do. i know it’s self-absorbed and victimizing to think i’m “unfixable” but it really does feel that way, because i’m incapable of getting out of my own way. the walls just come down no matter what.