At what point does temporary instability become a pattern that should concern me?
Please bear with me as I attempt to give the proper context so I can get the most accurate opinions.
I am 31F husband is 35M. We have been married almost 2 years now. Since being married he has been diagnosed with ADHD. One of the agreements that we had when my husband moved in with me (I already owned a home in another state) is that he would get into nursing school (his goal, not mine) ASAP and he must already have a job and be able to contribute financially to the household a certain amount every month.
At the time I met him he was working as a teacher for a few months and living with his grandparents because he had went through a divorce w/ a 7 year old son (who mom has custody of) and had been trying to get back on his feet.
Everything was going okay (not great just okay) up until the top of the year when my husband got pulled over for speeding and it was revealed that he had a suspended license in the state he was originally licensed. He claims he knew nothing about this as he had not been living there for over a year (which is a problem in itself because why didn’t you change your license???).
But anyway, now here we are.
Not shortly after he gets kicked out of nursing school after only one semester for failing to get his immunizations completed before the next semesfer.
He claims he was never made aware they were due at that time during school and that he did not check his email during the winter break.
Shortly before this I found out he was let go from his job he got prior to moving in. This was due to according to him, hostility from management and not being flexible in his work schedule.
I will admit he was hired on the basis of him working Saturdays but does not work on this day due to our religious beliefs (NOT SDA) so it was only a matter of time before this job was over for him so I was not too shocked.
After losing his job he wants to be an entrepreneur and start barbering (very on brand for ADHD people I’m learning). So I pay for him to enroll in barber school because it’s something he really wants to do and actually can work a more flexible schedule in nursing school (which he is still in at the time). He over estimates how quickly he can acquire income in this area and is not able to support the household financially for several months.
I go through serious resentment and give him an ultimatum: Get another job in 6 weeks or else we will have to discuss separation.
Lo and behold. He gets a good job through a temp agency at a local factory.
Works there for almost exactly 90 days and gets fired for taking 2/3 unapproved days off to pick up his son from out of state and important attend church events . Apparently his time off was approved by his direct supervisor but not HR/temp agency? Idk? Either way I’m not surprised.
Finally, he reveals to me that he lied about having a warrant for his arrest in another state due to a FTA in court for driving with suspended license. He knew the night he got pulled over and just neglected to tell me out of shame.
Also he can’t get his barbers license because he can’t afford to pay the final balance on his tuition because he doesn’t have a job.
Also he just reveled to me he is about $1400 behind on his child support and needs to pay it in the next two weeks.
I am going to end this by saying my husband is a loving, kind, caring, faithful man. He is gentle and patient with me but the realities of this moment are heavy.
We are in therapy but my husband always goes back to the defense that this is just a temporary circumstance. Which I understand but I question how long am I required to endure carrying the load?
I realized all the money he was giving me that gave me the illusion of being able to meet our financial agreement the last couple of months was money he wasn’t giving to his child for child support. That stings. I feel like I was delusional to even think he was doing both but hindsight is 20/20.
Anyway. The reason I am asking in here is because I don’t have a lot of examples of healthy marriages around me. I don’t have anyone I can talk to to give me perspective or kind advice. My parents are still together but are obviously biased.
Please help me to understand better. At what point does temporary instability become a pattern that should concern me?
Thank you for reading.
TL;DR: My diagnosed/medicated ADHD husband is loving and kind, but repeated instability (job loss, poor follow-through, delayed honesty, suspended license issues, nursing school dismissal, and hidden child support arrears) is making me feel increasingly parentified and resentful. We’re in therapy, but I’m struggling to tell the difference between ADHD-related executive dysfunction and deeper accountability/integrity issues. I love him, but I’m scared I’m building a future based on potential instead of actual stability.