I want to have sex. Just not with him.
Can't believe I've ended up here. 23F (23!!! ugh) with boyfriend of 5 years, 25M. It's been half a year now since the last time we've done anything at all. And tbh I didn't really want to the last time either, but I thought I'd give it a try.
The problem is I'm the "LL" here since I've historically done most of the rejecting but I feel so justified to not want to have sex. The sex has never been particularly great, but after a couple stints of simply BAD sex, he became a ball of anxiety, always afraid of messing up, and ruining the mood. There were many times where I just asked to stop in the middle of sex because after I got him off, he only put minimal effort into returning the favour or had flat out ineffective technique (yes, I told/showed what I liked) and I couldn't pretend I was having a good time anymore. Part of what gets me going is I want to see the desire in the other person, and it always felt like he was completing a chore, hesitantly.
And frankly I'm fucking upset. I'm upset that every time we have sex I have to try so hard and give him so many chances to try to improve and always come out fucking unsatisfied. I've had good sex with other partners and I miss that SOOO much.
Yes, I know y'all will say I should leave him. BUT IT'S SO HARD. I like him so much as a person and our living situation is so comfortable (we live together) and the double income is so nice. I'm also afraid of feeling lonely if I leave. I've spent most of my young adult life with him.
I can't believe I'm sitting here really really horny and the one person who could help me out with it, I really do not want. I could try, sure. But I'm so afraid of getting hurt and disappointed again. Yes, we have talked about this issue many times, but we can't seem to find a way to actually move forward. Can you even become attracted to someone after you've lost attraction to them? He was never the most conventionally attractive person either, but between this and him putting on some weight (never exercising), it's really hard to lust over him. (For reference, I'm a fit and conventionally attractive woman).
Do I really want to uproot my life to try for someone else?